Here I am

Here I am...
Typing, typing just typing.
Typing as if everything depends on it.
Because it does.

I type to stop the tears.
I type to stop reminiscing.
I type to stop the feeling.
I type to stop the pain.

You left.
I don't know what you felt.
You knew how I felt.
But it doesn't change the fact that you left.

The memories you left behind.
Will be the memories I will forever hold onto.
All the fun we had
and all the tears we shed.
And you turned away to leave.

Now you're gone.
Here I am.
The left behind.
Typing, typing just typing.

Hi!

Typing, typing just typing.

This was nice, but add a comma after the second typing. Do the same in all the "typing, typing" bits.

I type to stop the tears.

I type to stop reminiscing.

I type to stop the feeling.

I type to stop the pain.

Again, nice job. But since there's "the" in all the other lines, it'd sound better if there was one in the third line, as well. In that case, however, "reminiscing" may not be the best word choice. Hmmm... complicated bit you've got here.

You left.

I don't know what you felt.

You knew how I felt.

But it doesn't change the fact that you left.

Although the structure is a little vague, I like the "left – felt" thing.

The memories you left behind.

Will be the memories I will forever hold onto.

Delete the point after "behind".

And what's with the sad face in the end? I don't think it's a part of the poem...?

All the best
Demeter

That's about all I can say.

maybe make ur poem less clear

Ok, this poem is a little juvenile. It seems you've missed the point of what Dramatic Poetry truly is. I would suggest even reading the sticky 'what is dramatic poetry?' by Brad at the top- that will make things a little more clear.

This disappointed me, even from the very beginning:

Here I am...

Typing, typing just typing. Right away- no. Too much telling. It's like telling us you were walking, walking walking. Why? How? When? The reader is crying out for more imagery.

Typing as if everything depends on it.

Because it does. Too many short sentences. Each time you do this the reader is shut out. We don't want to be put out so quickly. The purpose of the first stanza is to draw us in.

S2- too much of the same old same old.

I type to stop the tears.

I type to stop reminiscing.

I type to stop the feeling.

I type to stop the pain

'Feeling'- everyone feels. How do you feel? What image could you conjure up to help us imagine it better? Can you make a sound rhyme scheme? Can you use poetic devices to create ownership of this piece? Right now- it's too basic. You need to weave your thoughts and personality through the sentence structure. My eyes are being met with a wall of statements.

You left. Short statements like these can be effective, but not in this amount.

I don't know what you felt.

You knew how I felt. How did you feel? Like you'd never be happy again?

But it doesn't change the fact that you left. Not really necessary.

I hope you understand I'm not trying to tear this piece apart. I liked it. I wouldn't have discussed so much if I didn't- moreover I'm trying to pull more uniqueness out of it.

The memories you left behind.

Will be the memories I will forever hold onto.

All the fun we had

and all the tears we shed.

And you turned away to leave.

There's too many cliches in this- add colour, add aural sounds, can you think of how you feel when you're crying? You're throat stings, you feel exhuasted. Bring details in like that. What does regret/ hurt feel like? What memories?

Now you're gone.

Here I am.

The left behind.

Typing, typing just typing.

Try not to end you're poem how you started. If you want to- keep a few words. And there's no room in poetry for emotions-I mean the smiley at the bottom. I would suggest maybe reading poetry- Keats and Frost are great. But it's really up to you.

Oh, and welcome to YWS-I hope you stick around. Just take a moment to read the rules and guidelines, we ask that for each poem/story you post for members to critque two poems/stories beforehand.

Eimear

Hello and welcome to YWS! You're going to want to read the rules which can be found on every forum. Basically, it says that you have to post two reviews for every piece that you put up, one because it's nice, and two because it'll get you more active in our community. And we'll love to have you.

First of all, nice poem! I know you probably wrote it in the heat of the moment, so it might be a little bit touchy for you, but that's okay. I liked the repetition in the beginning and I think it's cool that you actually were typing and doing that stuff, so it was very realistic. to

The thing I would suggest, if you want to make poetry out of this, is show us a couple of things. I am slightly nosy (sorry) so I, as a reader, want to know the juicy details. Which... I can understand that you might not be too keen to reveal because it's still hurts a little, but that all comes in the editing process, which you can do later. So tell us about the juicy details, in a poetic way of course. And it'll be much better.

Happy editing!

Hello, and welcome to YWS!

This is a nice poem, sad, but nice.

Snoink wrote:The thing I would suggest, if you want to make poetry out of this, is show us a couple of things.

I agree there, show us a bit more.

I really don't have much to say about this, it was a nice poem, but it could improve, I'm just not sure what all needs improving >< Sorry for the little help there.

Best of luck with this!

~Arris