Think

Chapter One

I didn’t even realize it was happening the first time it happened. I thought he had said it, I thought the words had been spoken. I thought wrong. Because even though my face showed shock and disappointment when I looked over at my parents they were still both eating silently, not even the slightest interrupt in the rhythm of their eating. It was four words, four words I was never meant to hear but did anyways. I’m having an affair. The words had come from my father’s mind, like venom flowing from the fangs of a snake as it bit into me. I was ten. My fork was hanging half way between my plate and my mouth as I stared at him in disgust and shock.

“Are you alright?” My father asked annoyed at my expression. Usually I had good self preservation and could hide my emotions from my parents. It was what made me their “trophy daughter,” the one that they showed off to all of their friends before shipping me off to the best boarding schools in the farthest away countries, or to the finest summer programs no where close to home. I hated it, I was a complete outsider. I felt so invisible to the teachers and the students alike. The people that did notice me looked at me as a vulnerable puppy, waiting to be picked on. I was so terribly shy. I portrayed perfectly the saying “little children should be seen and not heard,” because it was how I was raised, or rather taught, at school.

But when I heard those words I was so utterly confused and shocked that I couldn’t even understand that he was actually talking to me. At that point it was mostly the meaning of the words that shocked me, not the fact that I could, but wasn’t supposed to hear them. It wasn’t until later that I realized something was very very different about me.

“Answer your father dear.” My mother had said quietly not looking up but delicately putting another piece of her salad in her mouth. I assured them both that I was fine then excused myself. As I walked down the hall I passed the nanny and I heard her thoughts,

…Now if only the wife would go to bed Jack and I could have ourselves a real nice time…

The next week I was back at school in London and I hadn’t told my mom anything. I couldn’t exactly tell her that I knew father was having an affair because I had heard it in his thoughts, and the nanny’s. She would have sent me off to a mental institution, and besides I couldn’t be their trophy daughter if I was insane.

This was the time in my life I thought about as I sat on the airplane headed to the last place on earth my parents would have expected me to go. Money was not a problem and they both had such high expectations of me that it nearly gave them both a heart attack when I told them I would not be going to Harvard to study law as planned. I would still study law but not where they wanted me to. No I was going to the smallest university in America to still be considered a university and not a community college. I was going to the small town of Legend, Kansas.

I began to feel very alone since the first night I began hearing thoughts; despite the fact that only a week later I could hear thoughts flashing through people’s minds as I walked past them in the hall, in my house. Whatever that person was thinking at that exact moment would appear in my head like a bad song that I couldn’t forget. No one was exempt, everyone was vulnerable.

I thought of my new ability as a constellation prize, like I deserved it for everything I had put up with when I was younger, with my parents, teachers, and the kids at school. But that didn’t stop me from feeling bad about using my ability, my gift. I felt so embarrassed every time I read someone’s mind, so invasive. I was so afraid of what I might hear, like that first night. Soon I learned how not to listen, how to push through the involuntary thoughts that were not mine but still resounded in my head. But it was harder when I came into close contact with someone, or when there were so many people around, it was so much information to process, too many thoughts to hear. When I was a bit older I would often skip classes at school due to headaches from an overdose of thoughts.

So when I stepped off the plane in Legend I was prepared. I was ready to get my bags and get out and not listen to any thoughts as I did so. I walked past a group of elderly oriental women who where not speaking to each other but thinking in a language I didn’t understand. I had no idea what they were saying but from the looks on their faces it couldn’t have been good. There was an old man with flowers tapping his foot thinking …where is she? Where is she?... There were little kids jumping around a frazzled mother thinking about candy and what they could get at the airport gift shop when there dad got here, the mother was thinking about how she was glad her husband was finally coming home from Iraq.

There were others, of course, but I managed to make it through the clusters with only a little twinge at the temples when I arrived at baggage claim, which I assumed was empty. It was a rather small room taken up mostly by the conveyor belt that was spinning around luggage over and over, but for some reason I couldn’t spot my bag. The walls and doors were glass but they did the trick at blocking out the thoughts. I heard nothing, no thoughts, nada. It was beautiful. I looked back at where all the people where that I had just left and realized that my plane was the only one that had come in today.

“Wow this town really is small.” I muttered to myself. I felt a movement behind me and turned suddenly. I jumped and made an odd high pitched noise that made me blush.

There was a boy, about my age standing in front of me now. He a good six inches taller than me, which wasn’t really hard to be, he had chin length dark brown hair that fell slightly over his face because he was looking down at me. He had his hands shoved in his pockets and was donning a leather jacket. I didn’t get nervous until I looked up into his eyes. They were completely black, even the parts that were supposed to be white, and they were so fixated to mine. I wanted to talk to move, but I couldn’t, his eyes were locking me into place.

In what seemed slow motion he blinked and when his eye lids came back up his eyes where a deep shade of blue. I looked down and realized something was wrong. I was trying to read his thoughts, for the first time in my life I actually wanted to hear what someone was thinking- I thirsted for it a little. But there was complete silence, the only sound in the room was the hum of the conveyor belt and our breathing. We were still very close.

“I didn’t mean to scare you.” He said in a voice with a British accent that would have put the angels to shame.. He had completely brushed off whatever had just happened and was apologizing for sneaking up on me.

“That’s…okay.” I said slowly trying to register what was happening. He moved away from me and to the conveyor belt and suddenly everything felt cold.

“Sometimes it’s just hard to tell if someone is a reader or just a highly trained and skilled protector of their mind.” A smile slid across his attractive face and I nodded even though I had no idea what he was talking about. The was a feeling a familiarity in the way he talked to me, like he knew me already, like we talked all the time. He set his bags on the ground and turned to face me. “Are you going to get your bags?” He said the faint reflection of that smile still on his lips. I nodded again and walked to the conveyor belt just as my bags came around the corner. They were black and had a pink tag attached to them with my name on them. I grabbed them as the conveyed past me and set them on the ground next to the boy’s. He reached his hand and I took it and shook it.

“I’m Edward.. He said.

“Emery.” I replied. Despite the dry feeling in my throat that made it feel like I couldn’t talk. He picked up his bags and I followed suit, then he led me out of the baggage claim as a sea of people poured in. Soon all of the thoughts were inside the baggage claim room and the entirety of the airport was silent, which made me wonder again why his thoughts weren’t invading my mind; we were standing right next to each other.

“Are you a student?” He asked glancing at me. I nodded again then elaborated.

“I’m a freshman, you?”

“Sophomore, what level are you?” and then I was lost again.

“Level?” I was concentrating on my feet now because I was blushing at my own ignorance. He stopped and turned to me.

“Yeah, level. Like, I’m a level four.” He brushed his hand through his hair and looked into my eyes, but it really felt like he was looking into my soul.

“I’m sorry I don’t follow.” His expression changed from one of subtle humor to seriousness.

“You really have no idea what I am talking about do you?” He whispered, I shook my head, “Do you even know what you are?”

“I’m sorry, what I am?” I was really confused now.

“You see that girl over there.” He motioned to a teenage girl sitting just outside the baggage claim room staring at her nails.

“Yeah.” I said looking back at him.

“What is she thinking?” Something exchanged between are eyes, a flash of surprise and understanding. She was thinking about changing her nail polish color, but I lied.

“I don’t know.”

“Yes you do.” He said with eyes full of knowledge that were burning a hole in me.

“How should I know what she is thinking?” I folded my arms across my chest trying to convince him I had no idea.

“Because you are just like me.” He said.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” I said beginning to walk away, but he grabbed my arm.

“Yes you do. Aren’t you curious to find out why can do what you do, and why couldn’t read my mind?” I nodded but then tried to walk away again. His grip held firm. I didn’t feel safe telling my “secret” to anyone but I felt safe with him, it was scaring me.

“Let me give you a lift to campus.”

“No that’s okay, I’ll catch a cab.”

He laughed and shook his head, “There are no cabs in Legend, Emery.” When he said my name a shiver ran down my back, it sounded nice when he said my name.

“Then I’ll walk.” I said trying to pull my arm away but failing.

“Come on, its way too far. I’m not going to hurt you, but you already know that.” He said the last bit in a softer tone. And I did already know that he wouldn’t hurt me. I have no idea how I knew it but I did, and when he let go of my arm I almost felt like crying. Edward let me to his car which was parked in the closet spot in the rather small parking lot. The airport was on the top of a plateau that overlooked all of Legend. There was so much forest that it was hard to see the town. I could clearly see the university building though, due to its size. It looked like a castle, it was beautiful. One of the things I had read about Legend was that all of the buildings were so old and Victorian, part of the reason I wanted to come here. I loved old things, antiques.

We put our bags in the trunk and then climbed into the car. Edward turned the engine to life and soon we were headed down a road leading to the town.
“I know this must be weird for you, I can’t imagine not knowing.” I couldn’t decide if he was talking to me or to himself, it seemed like both. I was so comfortable around him yet so alarmed.

“You make me feel normal.” I said and immediately regretted it. My cheeks flushed again and I looked out the window. I could tell he was smiling.

“It’s okay I get the feeling.” He said looking over at me. He reached his hand over and put my chin between his thumb and fore finger and turned my head back to face him. We came to a deserted intersection and he stopped at the sign, still looking at me. He ran his thumb along my jaw bone making my skin shiver. I had never felt this way before at all. He moved his hand through my auburn hair and onto my neck, still holding my gaze. I wanted to kiss him, but I was scared. I had never kissed any one before, and I barely knew him, but it didn’t feel that way. He leaned in and a thought floated into my head, a thought that wasn’t mine …come on MOVE!... then there was a loud honking noise from behind us and Edward hit the gas peeling through the intersection.

Neither of us said anything until he pulled to a stop, I didn’t even notice where we were.

“I’m sorry.” He said, still gripping the steering wheel.

“Its okay, really.” I said monotonely. I looked at the building we had pulled up to which was also castle-like and old, only it wasn’t the school. It was a library.

“Why are we here?” I asked opening my door and climbing out.

“There is someone you should meet.” He said also getting out of the car. I followed him into the library worried, because he wasn’t making eye contact with me anymore or smiling.

---------------------------------------------------------------

I just started writing it...i kind of like it...well i like the idea...hope you like it

RoryLegend wrote:Chapter One

I didn’t even realize it was happening the first time it happened. I thought he had said it, I thought the words had been spoken. I thought wrong. [s]Because[/s] [s]e[/s]Even though my face showed shock and disappointment when I looked over at my parents they were still both eating silently, not even the slightest interruption in the rhythm of their eating. It was four words, four words I was never meant to hear but did anyways. I’m having an affair. The words had come from my father’s mind, like venom flowing from the fangs of a snake as it bit into me. I was ten. My fork was hanging half way between my plate and my mouth as I stared at him in disgust and shock.(I don't know, ten seems kind of young to really understand what an affair is. I could be wrong, I've never really experienced that kind of thing.)

“Are you alright?” My father asked annoyed at my expression. Usually I had good self preservation and could hide my emotions from my parents. It was what made me their “trophy daughter,” the one that they showed off to all of their friends before shipping me off to the best boarding schools in the farthest away countries, or to the finest summer programs no where close to home. I hated it, I was a complete outsider. I felt so invisible to the teachers and the students alike. The people that did notice me looked at me as a vulnerable puppy, waiting to be picked on. I was so terribly shy. I portrayed perfectly the saying “little children should be seen and not heard,” because it was how I was raised, or rather taught, at school.

[s]But[/s] [s]w[/s]When I heard those words I was so utterly confused and shocked that I couldn’t even understand that he was actually talking to me. At that point it was mostly the meaning of the words that shocked me, not the fact that I could, but wasn’t supposed to hear them. It wasn’t until later that I realized something was very very different about me.

“Answer your father dear.” My mother had said quietly not looking up but delicately putting another piece of her salad in her mouth. I assured them both that I was fine then excused myself. As I walked down the hall I passed the nanny and I heard her thoughts,

…Now if only the wife would go to bed Jack and I could have ourselves a real nice time…(Usually the mistress in an affair thinks she is in love. this thought sounds a bit slutty and I think she would be more in the delusion of love than of the sex.)

The next week I was back at school in London and I hadn’t told my mom anything. I couldn’t exactly tell her that I knew father was having an affair because I had heard it in his thoughts, and the nanny’s. She would have sent me off to a mental institution, and besides I couldn’t be their trophy daughter if I was insane.

This was the time in my life I thought about as I sat on the airplane headed to the last place on earth my parents would have expected me to go. Money was not a problem and they both had such high expectations of me that it nearly gave them both a heart attack when I told them I would not be going to Harvard to study law as planned. I would still study law but not where they wanted me to. No I was going to the smallest university in America to still be considered a university and not a community college. I was going to the small town of Legend, Kansas.

I began to feel very alone since the first night I began hearing thoughts; despite the fact that only a week later I could hear thoughts flashing through people’s minds as I walked past them in the hall, in my house. Whatever that person was thinking at that exact moment would appear in my head like a bad song that I couldn’t forget. No one was exempt, everyone was vulnerable.

I thought of my new ability as a [s]constellation[/s]consolation prize, like I deserved it for everything I had put up with when I was younger, with my parents, teachers, and the kids at school. But that didn’t stop me from feeling bad about using my ability, my gift. I felt so embarrassed every time I read someone’s mind, so invasive. I was so afraid of what I might hear, like that first night. Soon I learned how not to listen, how to push through the involuntary thoughts that were not mine but still resounded in my head. But it was harder when I came into close contact with someone, or when there were so many people around, it was so much information to process, too many thoughts to hear. When I was a bit older I would often skip classes at school due to headaches from an overdose of thoughts.

So when I stepped off the plane in Legend I was prepared. I was ready to get my bags and get out and not listen to any thoughts as I did so. I walked past a group of elderly oriental women who where not speaking to each other but thinking in a language I didn’t understand. I had no idea what they were saying but from the looks on their faces it couldn’t have been good. There was an old man with flowers tapping his foot thinking …where is she? Where is she?... There were little kids jumping around a frazzled mother thinking about candy and what they could get at the airport gift shop when [s]there[/s]their dad got here, the mother was thinking about how she was glad her husband was finally coming home from Iraq.

There were others, of course, but I managed to make it through the clusters with only a little twinge at [s]the[/s] my temples when I arrived at baggage claim[s],[/s]; which I assumed was empty. It was a rather small room taken up mostly by the conveyor belt that was spinning around luggage over and over, but for some reason I couldn’t spot my bag. The walls and doors were glass but they did the trick at blocking out the thoughts. I heard nothing, no thoughts, nada. It was beautiful. I looked back at where all the people [s]where[/s]were that I had just left and realized that my plane was the only one that had come in today.

“Wow this town really is small.” I muttered to myself. I felt a movement behind me and turned suddenly. I jumped and made an odd high pitched noise that made me blush.

There was a boy, about my age standing in front of me now. He was a good six inches taller than me[s],[/s]; which wasn’t really hard to [s]be,[/s]do. [s]h[/s]He had chin length dark brown hair that fell slightly over his face because he was looking down at me. He had his hands shoved in his pockets and was donning a leather jacket. I didn’t get nervous until I looked up into his eyes. They were completely black, even the parts that were supposed to be white, and they were so fixated to mine. I wanted to talk to move, but I couldn’t, his eyes were locking me into place.

In what seemed slow motion he blinked and when his eye lids came back up his eyes where a deep shade of blue. I looked down and realized something was wrong. I was trying to read his thoughts, for the first time in my life I actually wanted to hear what someone was thinking- I thirsted for it a little. But there was complete silence, the only sound in the room was the hum of the conveyor belt and our breathing. We were still very close.

“I didn’t mean to scare you.” He said [s]in a voice[/s] with a British accent that would have put the angels to shame.[s].[/s] He had completely brushed off whatever had just happened and was apologizing for sneaking up on me.

“That’s…okay.” I said slowly trying to register what was happening. He moved away from me and to the conveyor belt and suddenly everything felt cold.

“Sometimes it’s just hard to tell if someone is a reader or just a highly trained and skilled protector of their mind.” A smile slid across his attractive face and I nodded even though I had no idea what he was talking about. There was a feeling a familiarity in the way he talked to me, like he knew me already, like we talked all the time. He set his bags on the ground and turned to face me. “Are you going to get your bags?” He said the faint reflection of that smile still on his lips. I nodded again and walked to the conveyor belt just as my bags came around the corner. They were black and had a pink tag attached to them with my name on them. I grabbed them as the conveyed past me and set them on the ground next to the boy’s. He reached his hand and I took it and shook [s]it[/s].

“I’m Edward.[s].[/s]" He said.

“Emery.” I replied. Despite the dry feeling in my throat that made it feel like I couldn’t talk. He picked up his bags and I followed suit, then he led me out of the baggage claim as a sea of people poured in. Soon all of the thoughts were inside the baggage claim room and the entirety of the airport was silent, which made me wonder again why his thoughts weren’t invading my mind; we were standing right next to each other.

“Are you a student?” He asked glancing at me. I nodded again then elaborated.

“I’m a freshman, you?”

“Sophomore, what level are you?” and then I was lost again.

“Level?” I was concentrating on my feet now because I was blushing at my own ignorance. He stopped and turned to me.

“Yeah, level. Like, I’m a level four.” He brushed his hand through his hair and looked into my eyes, but it really felt like he was looking into my soul.

“I’m sorry I don’t follow.” His expression changed from one of subtle humor to seriousness.

“You really have no idea what I am talking about do you?” He whispered, I shook my head, “Do you even know what you are?”

“I’m sorry, what I am?” I was really confused now.

“You see that girl over there.” He motioned to a teenage girl sitting just outside the baggage claim room staring at her nails.

“Yeah.” I said looking back at him.

“What is she thinking?” Something exchanged between [s]are[/s]our eyes, a flash of surprise and understanding. She was thinking about changing her nail polish color, but I lied.

“I don’t know.”

“Yes you do.” He said with eyes full of knowledge that were burning a hole in me.

“How should I know what she is thinking?” I folded my arms across my chest trying to convince him I had no idea.

“Because you are just like me.” He said.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” I said beginning to walk away, but he grabbed my arm.

“Yes you do. Aren’t you curious to find out why you can do what you do, and why couldn’t you read my mind?” I nodded but then tried to walk away again. His grip held firm. I didn’t feel safe telling my “secret” to anyone but I felt safe with him, it was scaring me.

“Let me give you a lift to campus.”

“No that’s okay, I’ll catch a cab.”

He laughed and shook his head, “There are no cabs in Legend, Emery.” When he said my name a shiver ran down my back, it sounded nice when he said my name.

“Then I’ll walk.” I said trying to pull my arm away but failing.

“Come on, its way too far. I’m not going to hurt you, but you already know that.” He said the last bit in a softer tone. And I did already know that he wouldn’t hurt me. I have no idea how I knew it but I did, and when he let go of my arm I almost felt like crying. Edward [s]let[/s]led me to his car; which was parked in the closet spot in the rather small parking lot. The airport was on the top of a plateau that overlooked all of Legend. There was so much forest that it was hard to see the town. I could clearly see the university building though, due to its size. It looked like a castle, it was beautiful. One of the things I had read about Legend was that all of the buildings were so old and Victorian, part of the reason I wanted to come here. I loved old things, antiques.

We put our bags in the trunk and then climbed into the car. Edward turned the engine to life and soon we were headed down a road leading to [s]the[/s] town.
“I know this must be weird for you, I can’t imagine not knowing.” I couldn’t decide if he was talking to me or to himself, it seemed like both. I was so comfortable around him yet so alarmed.

“You make me feel normal.” I said and immediately regretted it. My cheeks flushed again and I looked out the window. I could tell he was smiling.

“It’s okay I get the feeling.” He said looking over at me. He reached his hand over and put my chin between his thumb and fore finger and turned my head back to face him. We came to a deserted intersection and he stopped at the sign, still looking at me. He ran his thumb along my jaw bone making my skin shiver. I had never felt this way before at all. He moved his hand through my auburn hair and onto my neck, still holding my gaze. I wanted to kiss him, but I was scared. I had never kissed any one before, and I barely knew him, but it didn’t feel that way. He leaned in and a thought floated into my head, a thought that wasn’t mine …come on MOVE!... then there was a loud honking noise from behind us and Edward hit the gas peeling through the intersection.

Neither of us said anything until he pulled to a stop, I didn’t even notice where we were.

“I’m sorry.” He said, still gripping the steering wheel.

“Its okay, really.” I said monotonely. I looked at the building we had pulled up to; which was also castle-like and old, only it wasn’t the school. It was a library.

“Why are we here?” I asked opening my door and climbing out.

“There is someone you should meet.” He said also getting out of the car. I followed him into the library worried, because he wasn’t making eye contact with me anymore or smiling.

I like the idea of it. It sort of reminds of Jumper(the movie not the book). My main issue is word usage, you seem to miss some like you used are instead of our. And grammar issues as well. Commas instead of periods or a comma instead of a semicolon. Most punctuation errors. Nothing a read through probably wont fix.

It is very nice so far. It needs polishing, going through and flowering some stuff up. the beginning was sort of confusing cause you jumped so much from she's ten and now we're going to college. Maybe make that transition better. Something that flows together better.

Otherwise it is a nice start. I like the idea and you have good content.

NITPICKS:

I didn’t even realize it was happening the first time it happened.

This is not good for a beginning sentence. I've learned that beginning a piece with I is never good. I would suggest something with better flow, and more interesting.

I’m having an affair.

This should be in Italics.

The words had come from my father’s mind, like venom flowing from the fangs of a snake as it bit into me.

I've read through the piece and realized that she is a mind-reader, but putting this in the very beginning completely threw me off - and not the good kind of being thrown off. I was confused, and reread it, and felt distanced from the piece. I don't know what to suggest what you should do instead, but I don't think you should leave it as it is.

It wasn’t until later that I realized something was very very different about me.

One very is enough. Two makes it look unprofessional.

He leaned in and a thought floated into my head, a thought that wasn’t mine …come on MOVE!... then there was a loud honking noise from behind us and Edward hit the gas peeling through the intersection.

This is a run-on sentence. You need either to split this into two sentences or plug in some commas. Also, I would put MOVE in Italics.


WATCH OUT FOR:

-Punctuation. You have many run-on sentences (that I didn't have time to point out), and you did this: "Yes." She said. When it should be this: "Yes," she said.

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

It was interesting. A pretty solid beginning, I guess. One thing that bothered me was how she just met this mysterious young man and how quickly they are about to kiss. If she's the kind of girl to kiss anyone she meets, you need to make this more clear earlier in the piece.

Hope this helps. Good luck with editing.

Thanks for the crits..I wrote it really late at night and I typed it in word document and it has some pressets that change words around, i dont know it is really weird. I did put the parts in italic that you said to originally but when i copied and pasted i assumed it would stay that way but I guess it didn't..This was definatly my first draft and I felt a little weird about the almost kiss thing too..I'm definatly going to rewrite it...thanks again

I like the idea. I think ten is old enough to understand what an affair is...I understood, anyway. I just have one question - does his name HAVE to be Edward? I automatically think of a vampire, lol.

lyrical_sunshine wrote:I just have one question - does his name HAVE to be Edward? I automatically think of a vampire, lol.

What?

Ah yes Edward as in Edward cullen..I don't know I just thought the name was fitting..I think i have officially given up on it though..it survived about four days..I think that's a record for me..thanks for the crits again

You are an excellent writer, Rory! I was pulled in when I started reading and the title is so simple but it makes you wonder. Your characters are lovely, this Edward guy is very mysterious and I can't wait to find out more about him. Emery, I love that name!!! Please keep going with this, I think that this will be a great story,
Angel

(WARNING: evil editor at work!! XD I'm not a very nice reviewer.....)

RoryLegend wrote:I didn’t even realize it was happening the first time it happened. I thought he had said it, I thought the words had been spoken. I thought wrong. Because even though my face showed shock and disappointment when I looked over at my parents they were still both eating silently, not even the slightest interrupt in the rhythm of their eating. It was four words, four words I was never meant to hear but did anyways. I’m having an affair. The words had come from my father’s mind, like venom flowing from the fangs of a snake as it bit into me. I was ten. My fork was hanging half way between my plate and my mouth as I stared at him in disgust and shock.

I agree with the others; what's a ten-year-old going to know about an affair? I think it'd be funny if she asks her dad, "What's an affair?" XD Then she realizes that she wasn't supposed to hear...

And I also don't like the beginning...I don't know. It's just one big block of information and past stories. We don't know that she can read minds. Avoid telling us anything about the mind, but suggest it. Make us come to our own conclusions.

Oh, and that green sentance? That's a runon. haha.

…Now if only the wife would go to bed Jack and I could have ourselves a real nice time…

yeah. Green. haha.

She would have sent me off to a mental institution, and besides I couldn’t be their trophy daughter if I was insane.

The word 'besides' is used when the ideas aren't related. 'Mental institution' and 'insane' are very related. haha.

He had his hands shoved in his pockets and was donning a leather jacket.

Tell me, how can he have his hands in his pockets and be putting on a jacket at the same time?

He reached his hand and I took it and shook it.

Took it and shook it, huh? Sounds like a dance....XD

“I’m Edward," [s]He[/s] color=red]he[/color] said.

Sorry. There can only be one popular freaky mind-reading kid named Edward in the bookstores at the moment. Particularly if his creepiest moments are when his eyes are dark....XD

Anyway....the corrections are in red. haha.

Oh, I missed one correction!

"I'm [s]Edward[/s] Billy-Bob,"...

HAHAHAHA!! Just kidding, mate, just kidding. XD Couldn't resist. Sorry. Back to the review.....haha.

“Come on, it[color=red]'[color]s way too far.

XD



OVERALL, I like the idea and the characters, but it just seems like you crammed waaaaay too much on the first chapter....spread it out a little bit. You don't want one big clump of butter on your toast, do you? XD

~Vee

It's very interesting, but there's a couple of mistakes:
(quote)

"I didn’t feel safe telling my “secret” to anyone but I felt safe with him, it was scaring me."

Confusing... I don't really get what's going on in the sentence. So... she doesn't feel safe telling her secret, but she does feel safe with him, and she's scared at the same time? I don't get it... try to break it down a little more.

Also, at the beginning, you say she is ten, and later you go on and say she's a freshman?
And she's by herself in England?

I don't quite get those two parts.
Overall, good story, but watch the logics. Also, let the reader figure out what's going on. Don't just tell them.
Also, a little too much info for a first chapter. Lot's going on.

Good luck with your editing!
HorseFreak

I don't think you should give up on the story! If you work through it, it has potential.

And I disagree with the ten year old not knowing about an affair. I think, in this day in age, a ten year can be completely mentally capable of recognizing what an affair was and what the implications meant.

On the other hand, kissing... I don't think ten year old girls are hasty about kissing. Maybe eleven and twelve year olds.

"I didn’t feel safe telling my “secret” to anyone but I felt safe with him, it was scaring me."
Like horsefreak said, this sentence doesn't flow right. You could try : "I didn't feel safe telling my "secret" to anyone but I felt safe with him, and that scared (or scares) me."


one thing about the beginning:
At one point Emery is 10 and then next thing the reader knows is that she's going off to college.

“Answer your father dear.” My mother had said quietly not looking up but delicately putting another piece of her salad in her mouth. I assured them both that I was fine then excused myself. As I walked down the hall I passed the nanny and I heard her thoughts,

…Now if only the wife would go to bed Jack and I could have ourselves a real nice time…

The next week I was back at school in London and I hadn’t told my mom anything. I couldn’t exactly tell her that I knew father was having an affair because I had heard it in his thoughts, and the nanny’s. She would have sent me off to a mental institution, and besides I couldn’t be their trophy daughter if I was insane.

-8 years later ( I'm just assuming she's 18 now) - <------ you could have this to separate Emery from being 10 to her going off to college.

This was the time in my life I thought about as I sat on the airplane headed to the last place on earth my parents would have expected me to go. Money was not a problem and they both had such high expectations of me that it nearly gave them both a heart attack when I told them I would not be going to Harvard to study law as planned. I would still study law but not where they wanted me to. No I was going to the smallest university in America to still be considered a university and not a community college. I was going to the small town of Legend, Kansas.


To be honest I'm not much for Sci-Fi but this story just captivated me. I like how this story sucked me in. I have to say the name Edward doesn't seem to sit right with me but other than that I loved the story line I hope to read more.

P.S. Please pm me and let me know when the next part comes out

I like the gist of the story. I'd decided id read the first paragraph and if it didn't capture my attention i wouldnt continue. it did, and im glad.

I do have to point out i REALLY think the name Edward is a bad idea. There are just too many connections, black eyes, tall, can read minds. It just autonatically makes im a vampire and turns Emery into Bella. And you don't want that. That said, I think if you changed his name you could have a really interesting character, fleshed out a bit more.