The Werewolf of LA

I have an idea for a story but i neeec help heres my ideas so far he a Boy named Max whos 16 lives in LA and lives a roughly normal life excepte from his abusing step Dad and one night he bitten by a were wolf i need help now

Okay, first of all, you really need to make your posts readable. It sounds like total jiberish when read aloud.

Also, this is probably best fit in the "About the Writers" section.

So, a kid who gets turned into a werewolf, huh? There are a lot of things that you could do with this. He could fight crime, fight good, try to undo his curse, meet other werewolves, try to live normal life while trying to cope with being a werewolf; fight other werewolves, wererats, werechipmunks, etc., the list goes on and on and on.

Thanks right here it goes.

Max was a brave boy he had black spiky hair and blue eyes and a strong build but the real reason why Max was brave was his Step Dad would always abuse him and his Mum.
His Mum was near to having a nevous break down, his Mum was quite slim long straight hair and had hazel eyes.But the story about Maxes Farther was not plesant supposedly he was a caring man but always skint so he took the easy way out borrowed money from the Mafia to buy Maxes mum a Aniversary Day gift but Maxes farther never thought how he would pay it back so a month after he was never seen again.

Some people says he comminted suicide other say he was killed by the mafia boss that the reason Max believed.Max was trapped in his room not literally but enough to stop Max coming out you see Daniel Maxes Step Dad was a bad drunk if their was no alchol anywhere in the house he attacks Maxes Mother.But today he left without saying a word so Max went out to club for a while not knowing what would happen that night.


When arrived at Club Crazy he saw the love of his life Amy Johnston a year above him she had cascading long blond hair and blue eyes also she was quite skinny,supposedly she was the most sexy girl in the school.But he saw her with his best freind and just went home not noticing something walking behind him on 4 paws.

Why are you describing all of their physical appearences?

When you do describe character, do not use slang like, "six pack." My first thought was "a six pack of what? Beer?" After all, you said he had a six pack. Oookay? Avoid terminology like that. Also! Read this, I beg you: forum/viewtopic.php?t=2520

The article is by me and it has lots of tips for forming realistic characters.

Another thing: before I started writing about a drunk, I researched everything I could about alcohol to determine how my character would act on the influence. If you have first experience with drunks, this may not be important, but I suggest that, if his fathe is so important to the story, please research about how he will react while drunk.

And what is the story? You gave us a couple of descriptions of characters (rather bad ones at that). What do you want to do with this story?

Thanks right here it goes.

Max was a brave boy he had black spiky hair and blue eyes and a strong build but the real reason why Max was brave was his Step Dad would always abuse him and his Mum.
His Mum was near to having a nervous break down, his Mum was quite slim long straight hair and had hazel eyes. But the story about Maxis Farther was not pleasant supposedly he was a caring man but always skint so he took the easy way out borrowed money from the Mafia to buy Maxis mum a Anniversary Day gift but Maxis farther never thought how he would pay it back so a month after he was never seen again.

Some people say he committed suicide other say he was killed by the mafia boss that the reason Max believed. Max was trapped in his room not literally but enough to stop Max coming out you see Daniel Maxis Step Dad was a bad drunk if their was no alcohol anywhere in the house he attacks Maxis Mother. But today he left without saying a word so Max went out to club for a while not knowing what would happen that night.


When arrived at Club Crazy he saw the love of his life Amy Johnston a year above him she had cascading long blond hair and blue eyes also she was quite skinny, supposedly she was the most sexy girl in the school. But he saw her with his best friend and just went home not noticing something walking behind

Now Max was just halfway home when he saw his shoelace undone "Any excuse to slow me coming home” he mumbled quietly.
Suddenly something jumped on him bit him and ran off "weird Max said out load”. When he arrived at his street he could hear his Dad abusing his Mum. “Where the Drink shouted Maxis Step Dad evilly
"It down the sink replied Maxis Mum bursting into tears."
"Well it not much good down their shouted Maxis Step Dad angrily".
By now Max was at his door and was really angry he looked up at the sky and in the sky was a Full Moon suddenly a primal rage engulfed his mind saying one thing kill. He kicked open the door grabbed a knife went for his step dad killing him in 30 second then standing over his Step Dad carcass and howling meanwhile his Mother had backed up against the wall whimpering scaredly. Just then some clouds covered the moon and the rage subsided with Max falling down unconscious.

I'm sorry, really, but...OMG...you have quite a bit of flaws in your writing. You do have a very good idea going here, just make sure you make it believable and not like every other werewolf story you read. I suggest you research how to write before you actaully start writing. Let me fix the mistakes for you:

(Take out "Now") Max was just halfway home when he saw his shoe lace undone(,) "Any excuse to slow me coming home (Try: "Any excuse to make the trip going home slower,") he mumbled quietly. (The next sentence is a little unbelievable, you really should make this happen when you get more into the story and give more detail like maybe he's in the woods behind his house.)
Suddenly something jumped on him bit him and ran off(,) "(W)eird(,)(") Max said out lo(u)d.
When he arrived at his street (Maybe describe the houses and surroundings) he could hear his Dad abusing his Mum(,) "Where(')(s) (my damn beer?!) shouted Maxe(')(s) (You say dad then step dad make sure you make up your mind) (s)tep (d)ad evilly(.) (Make sure you say if they're outside or inside and if he can hear them even from down the street or what because it's confusing)
"It down the sink(!)(") replied Maxe(')(s) Mum(,) bursting into tears.
"Well it not much good down their(!)(") shouted Maxe(')(s) (s)tep (d)ad angrily".
By now(,) Max was at his door and was really angry(.) (maybe say because of his parent's constant fighting. He didn't like seeing his dad treat his mother like that.) (H)e looked up at the (dark) sky (that was threatning rain) and in the sky was a (f)ull (m)oon. (S)uddenly a primal rage engulfed his mind saying one thing(,) KILL. (You make this next part movie to quickly but like I said in the beginning you should wait until you make him into a werewolf so that we get to know him more and what everyday is like for him) He kicked open the door(,) grabbed a knife(,) (it's silver blade looking sharp and lethal in his hand) went for his step dad (and) kill(ed) him in (thirty) second(s)(.) (Isn't his dad bigger than him? I'd think his dad would be able to hold off a sixteen year old.)
(T)hen (while) standing over his (s)tep (d)ad(')(s) carcass(,) and (let out a high pitched howl)(.) (M)eanwhile his (m)other had backed up against the wall(,) (quietly) whimpering(.) Just then the moon (was) covered by (dark) clouds and the rage subsided with Max falling down uncousios.

I think you know how to write, you just don't know how to put everything together. Your descriptions are pretty good with him turning into a werewolf, just too quick. Like I said, we really need to get to know everything about Max before making him into some serial killer. Best of luck!

I know but u see this is the tranformation taking effect and he getting the were wolf strengh very quickly anyway his Step Dad is just shocked so he tries nothing to fight back i''l correct othere when iam not at school

You need to put in punctuation and grammar. Because you don't use it the story seems like gibberish. Also, add some suspense. You've just thrown in the part about the werewolf biting him and him killing his father. Add some detail! Where did the wolf bite him? Why didn't it hurt? Finally, pay some attention to legend. Usually werewolves try to kill their victims and werewolves don't change five minutes after being bitten. It's usually at the first full moon. Let's face it, you have quite a lot to work on. But luckily, as I know from experience, the more you practice the more you improve. You can improve by practising. Good luck with that.

-Cobra

I completely agree with the other critiques above me, the plot seems good but the writing seems like total gibberish, add some suspense to hook the readers. To be honest, the book needs more work, if i were to read this book, i wouldnt go far, just a few paragraphs or so.... The story seems too cliched, you need to make it more original, believable and different from the other books about werewolves that have been written. But hey, thats my opinion.

One more thing, try to use grammar and punctuation and stuff...

Overall, i think if the plot is developed, the book will go far, and i wish you the best with that.

This is incredible, where on earth is the next part? Need more.

I like the basic idea for this story and will probably start thinking about my own story with similar circumstances minus the abusive farther and mafia bit, and la bit theirs better locations. Anyway. Since I also miss stuff out when I wright I can kind of put the connectives in as I red through your story but even for me their were some parts of this story were I was little shocked about how bad the writing was.

A good idea can only take you so far. Build suspense. The change has no effect to readers since we don't know what Max was like before. The end point of you story should be at least in the third chapter of your book on something like page 36, that's twelve pages a chapter which is easy if your plot and characters have any development.

That's all I've got too say their isn't anything positive about this story except well it's attempted story.

I think this is the story so I'll comment on this one. Comments in red.

Vernon wrote:Thanks right here it goes.

Max was a brave boy. He had black spiky hair and blue eyes and a strong build but the real reason why Max was brave was his Step Dad would always abuse him and his Mum. One, this is a major run-on. Two, do I really need to know the hair and eye color? Three, show me don't tell me.
His Mum was near to having a nervous break down. His Mum was quite slim, with long straight hair and hazel eyes. But the story about Maxis Farther was not pleasant supposedly he was a caring man but always skint so he took the easy way out borrowed money from the Mafia to buy Maxis mum a Anniversary Day gift but Maxis farther never thought how he would pay it back so a month after he was never seen again. ...There are so many things wrong with this run-on. One, where the hell did he get Mafia contacts? Two, I'm sure the Mafia wouldn't just abduct him - they'd take the money back. They don't care if you die, only for their money. Three, just a month? Seriously? Four, what kind of anniversary gift is that?!

Some people say he committed suicide other say he was killed by the mafia boss that the reason Max believed. I give up trying to fix your run-ons. A good grammar book is in order here. Max was trapped in his room not literally but enough to stop Max coming out you see Daniel Maxis Step Dad was a bad drunk if their was no alcohol anywhere in the house he attacks Maxis Mother. All telling, and not the excusable kind. But today he left without saying a word so Max went out to a club for a while not knowing what would happen that night. Not knowing what would happen that night feels kind of cheat-like to me.


When Missing a word. arrived at Club Crazy he saw the love of his life Amy Johnston a year above him she had cascading long blond hair and blue eyes also she was quite skinny, supposedly she was the most sexy girl in the school. ...Whaaa...? That sentence - even the grammar book might have a hard time helping. :/ But he saw her with his best friend and just went home not noticing something walking behind

Now Max was just halfway home when he saw his shoelace undone "Any excuse to slow me coming home” he mumbled quietly. ??? You usually think these things.
Suddenly something jumped on him bit him and ran off "weird Max said out load” Whaat? Okay, I quit my line by line at this point.. When he arrived at his street he could hear his Dad abusing his Mum. “Where the Drink shouted Maxis Step Dad evilly
"It down the sink replied Maxis Mum bursting into tears."
"Well it not much good down their shouted Maxis Step Dad angrily".
By now Max was at his door and was really angry he looked up at the sky and in the sky was a Full Moon suddenly a primal rage engulfed his mind saying one thing kill. He kicked open the door grabbed a knife went for his step dad killing him in 30 second then standing over his Step Dad carcass and howling meanwhile his Mother had backed up against the wall whimpering scaredly. Just then some clouds covered the moon and the rage subsided with Max falling down unconscious.

One, I know you can write better than this so I don't know why you're doing this. Everyone here is a cardboard cut-out, there's hardly any explanation or personality in the piece, no voice, no nothing. 0o

Yeah. Sorry if this review is a little harsh.

Sincerely,

Kara

This is five years old.

*Locked*