the falls leafs flow in the breeze, another school year begins, another year of hope, wishing, praying, that someone would come and take me away, take my heart and make me whole again, but that will never happened because you already have my heart locked away from the world, hidden away broke and shattered to pieces
This is not a critique as I am sure you were hoping it was. I am just here to inform you of the rules. You must to two reviews before posting any of your works. Keeping a 2:1 ratio between reviews and posts.
"the falls leafs (shoudnt it be leaves..?) flow in the breeze, another school year begins, another year of hope, wishing, praying, that someone would come and take me away, take my heart and make me whole again, but that will never happened because you already have my heart locked away from the world, hidden away broke and shattered to pieces"
This is good.
BUTTT--
you desperately need to seperate it into lines. Also, capitalization and punctuation need to be added.
It's definitly dramatic and has potential, but can you explain it further?
Who has your heart locked away?
How about your friends?
ANy adjectives?
You do a good job at conveying emotions in your poetry however, poetry isn't just about emotions. It's also about how the words flow. Your words need to have more of a meaning behind them.
I recognize that you're new to YWS. Well, welcome.My name is Tamara.You can private message me anytime you want for help.
Cute piece. I felt the emotion tons.
7/10 because of the ppor arrangment.
However, if u edit it and put it into lines and add some of my suggestions you could bring it up to an 8 or possibly higher.
I'd rather write about this world than live in itand I'd rather play music all day and read and wander around bookstoresand watch humansbut not be one of them.
It seems really random. At first, you have leaves and I thought you were going to tie that in with the imagery at the end, but you don't. Instead, you just go one about how somebody has your heart in a lock box. Don't do this! Incorporate the imagery you have in the beginning of the falling leaves and do something with it so that this piece feels more cohesive.
Hope that helps!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
The grand in the hotel rings with broken tunes; the guests frown; the concierge winces. But the blue-hatted boy is happy and braver than they. — TheMythMaster
