Notes on a Plane Crash

I don't really have a prolific output, sadly, sometimes I think it would be nice to be able to churn out work at a rate of knots. Maybe someday. Anyway, this also includes a very badly recorded audio version: it's bad because my microphone is interfacing rather nastily with my PC at the moment, and it's included because... well, I'm not really sure why, maybe I just like the sound of my own voice or something.


Notes on a Plane Crash
the man in the window seat

We saw the sun come up beneath our wings
and heard the mourning stars, the fading lights
that trickle gently into dark.
Our head against the window-pane
we saw those sighing lights sink down,
extinguish all their fury and their fight,
for what? "They burn their lives away at night,"
he said, "they set themselves on fire for love
and dwindle, grey and widow-old
and trickle gently into dark."

We see the sea stretch out beneath our feet
and tread its carefree paths, the running waves
that stream from portside into night.
Our trembling wingtips dipping low
we feel the water's grave, it calls
like lonely sirens by their wave-washed hearths.
"Their only husbands are the dead," he says,
"they sing their salt-songs choked with guilt
and dwindling, grey and widow-old
they stream with sadness into night."

We will be rushing winds, be streaming skies
who tumble down to meet the arms of land,
the all-embracing arms of God.
The man in seat 11b,
his aching fingers holding tight with hope
will be at peace, to smell the ocean air,
to dance beneath the waves to no-one's tune.
His seatbelt chain will slip from 'round his waist,
and in his face they'll say they saw
a transformation of such grace:
a freedom born of loneliness,
the knowledge of new birth.


audio

I'm sorry, but this is just my opinion. Don't take offense. I though it was horrible. I couldn't catch the flow OR the rhthym.

I thought you did a wonderful job. I did, however, find it a bit odd that there's some lines that rhyme (lights/night/fight, waist/grace) while most of it is free verse.

Secondly, I thought there were some unnecessary punctuation marks.

to sing to no-one's tune

should be "no one's".

will be at peace, to smell the ocean air

Don't need this comma. It throws off your flow.

Our trembling wingtips dipping low
we feel the water's grave, it calls
like lonely sirens by their wave-washed hearths.

I would put a comma after "low" and change "it calls" to "calling". It's less choppy and makes the sentence not a comma splice.

Other than that, I thought you had some beautiful imagery, and I'm glad it actually made sense to me. Sometimes I read really pretty-sounding poems and at the end I'm like "What?", but you put it together very well. Great job and keep writing!

I loved this; the rhythm fitted the theme very well and the imagery was haunting. My only real nit-picks would be the overuse of the word "trickle" in stanza 1 and the fact that I think you're missing a "his" in the 4th to last line. The final stanza had a few minior awkward moments -- you might want to smooth out the line breaks a little?

Otherwise, a beautiful poem. Your work always makes me think

@bubbly:

I think you're missing a "his" in the 4th to last line

face/palm. Yes, I am! Cheers.

the overuse of the word "trickle" in stanza 1

Using it twice is kind of the point, dear it's the same in stanza two, it links the two sections of the verse together.

@wiggywiggywiggy:

to sing to no-one's tune

should be "no one's".

Just the difference in american/english spellings, I think: "no one, no-one and noone" are all correct.

Don't need this comma. It throws off your flow.

Yes, that's originally what I thought, but if you listen to the audio file (if it's working... is it?) or read it aloud to yourself, you'll find that you naturally paused for breath there. It seems odd, but it came in on the second or third draft, and I'm pretty sure it belongs.

I would put a comma after "low" and change "it calls" to "calling". It's less choppy and makes the sentence not a comma splice.

But... that would change it from having a rhythm (iambic) to having no rhythm... take another look at it:

our TREM-bling WING-tips DIPP-ing LOW / we FEEL the WA-ter's GRAVE, it CALLS / like LONE-ly SI-rens BY their WAVE-washed HEARTHS.

Rhythmic! Does it make sense now?

I did, however, find it a bit odd that there's some lines that rhyme (lights/night/fight, waist/grace) while most of it is free verse.

Hmm, yes, noted. I'll try and work on that one, I'm not just not so great with consistantly rhyming - I like my freedom too much!

@writingforloveisapas:

I'm sorry, but this is just my opinion. Don't take offense. I though it was horrible. I couldn't catch the flow OR the rhthym.

Mhm, thank you for that entirely useless comment, do try and include something vaguely constructive in the future, yes? Also, try learning about rhythm before you comment on it: the fact that you don't understand it's written in iambic form doesn't mean it's not there.

I didn't quite get it. Like was the plane crashing, was he talking about killing himslef, or just being really depressing??

At first, I thought it will be about that man by the window who'd wallow in self-pity and that anticipated tragedy but i was fairly taken aback on how seriously altruistic he has become all throughout the poem. That was breathtaking in its first recognition.

I fancy your honesty regarding loving your freedom too much in poetry?

*High five!* If you'd take some time to browse through mine, I usually free flow my way to the ending. I'd sound so style-ignorant even in two lines of my work. LOL.

Damn you again for such lovely poem.

Warning: Don't disappoint me next. All kidding aside.

<3 JACE

I Love you already....damn you again, again.

Cheers for your crits, guys.

For those of you who want to hear my awful voice reading this out loud (just for the rhythm and all!) this link, http://www.esnips.com/web/backgroundbob-Music should work, as long as you hit the "listen" button on the bar above the actual player. For some reason the player itself doesn't seem to work. Enjoy!

Damn... it's been taken off. This was abstract but it didn't bore me instead I read each bit and eventually got the picture. This is really great Bob. I really wish I could be more constructive but this poetry isn't my forte. I admire work like this greatly. Seriously this is just wonderful I glanced at it again the word choice the langauge techniques.

Overall: This earns a star from me. Really Bob. I want to review this but instead I'm blown away by it's splendour.

Good luck
VSN

I'm not sure. I listened to the audio and read it outloud to myself, but I'm not sure what I think. Prehaps thats a good thing? Maybe.

I agree with Vernon, it's very abstract.

And when I see the phrase "plane crash", I think--blown engine, screaming people, panic, emminent death--but your poem is almost calm.

Sorry, I can't be more helpful. All I can say is that it made me think.

In contrast to the complaint on the lack of savagery and chaos one would expect from a plain crash, I rather enjoyed the serenity of the images in this. also, I can't help but think that if I was a little less dense and a little less impulsive that I would have really given this the three or four spaced out readings I believe it deserves before attempting critique.

Other than that let me just say that you've left me with some sublime images to contemplate while I lay in bed and pretend to sleep. Though you can rest assured; because this is one I intend to return to.

The idea of this is pretty brilliant, and there are some lovely, lovely lines. But I did find myself, at the end, wishing for more concrete imagery - something beyond the abstract waves and wings and distant personifications of light. I was never moved by this poem, not truly, because there was no place for me to get a grip on the reality of it; and that might be intentional, but it doesn't make for that visceral beauty, which is possible here but not achieved.

That said, I liked it a lot and thanks for the good read.

I really like the way this poem sounds. It has a very nice flow and the words chosen match the solemn-ess of the subject. Also, I usually find something wrong with where the line are broken, but in this poem I saw none that bugged me, so wow for that!

There were a couple of things that I did catch though:

The first is this line:

"Our head against the window-pane"

"Window-pane" should either be one word or two seperate words, but either way take out the hypen. Also, in this line you say "our head agianst the window-pane", when it should be "our heads against the window pane (or panes)"

Other than those two little things, I thought this was an interesting and unusualk poem. I certainly made me think

I thought this was a really good poem. I liked the imagery, the wording and the structure. Like alleycat13 mentioned above, this is abstract and a unique way to write about a plane crash. I have absolutely nothing to nit-pick about this (since the others have done it, ).

I'm looking forward to more of your work. Keep writing, and a gold star for you!

I really liked this!

It was rather depressing, obviously, but I still loved it. It was dramatic and it really made me think about what you were saying.

I'm not a very good critique so I wouldn't take my review to seriously! But even though that is true I will try to do the best I can to review you poem!

This poem was great in my opinion. It's full diffirent feelings. It was truly gripping and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

It almost felt as if I was the main character of your poem and I absolutely love it when a poem or a story has that effect on me.

The first few lines of the poem was an excellent opener and you did do something that many other poets find hard to do by saying little but saying a lot. You should definitely be proud of that!

I didn't really understand the poem much but that is only because I'm not very good at reviewing and I get confused easily. The better the poem the more I seem to not understand it!

Overall, I adored your poem!

I can't wait to read more!

Keep writing

Meg x-x