A Revelation

The doorbell rang.

Elizabeth looked up from her cornflakes and frowned.

The day wasn't going well. First she overslept 'til one in the afternoon. Then she discovered they were out of Reese's Puffs. And now she was going to have to *work*.

All part of the perfect summer.

She got up and peeked around the corner, just enough to see through the front door's window. As expected, Mr. Major stood waiting on the porch.

Elizabeth had been regularly babysitting the Major siblings since June. Normally she wasn't a masochist, but given the sparse opportunities for summer fun, she figured she might as well make a little money on the side.

Unfortunately, cash did not come cheap.

"Running a bit behind today, are we?" Mr. Major sniffed when Elizabeth answered the door. He flicked his eyes from her head to her feet then back again, making no effort to conceal his disapproval. Somehow, even though they were the same height, he always managed to look down at her.

"Oh. Right. The pajamas," she mumbled, giving an apologetic smile.

"Hm," said Mr. Major.

He was flanked by his two children. Nora, the youngest, was sporting a garish barrette and a downturned mouth, as though she'd rather be home watching cartoons. Her brother Nathan was old enough to resent having a babysitter. His precious blue cap sat on his head at an angle, and he was smiling because no one was happy.

Nice try, Prok, but it doesn't work amazing. ^_~ I think this would actually be better as a poem, especially if you lengthened it, added more detail. It's a great pun, a great rhyme, and the general idea is great, but there isn't enough here to do anything for me. It's just that.

It isn't terrible, of course, but you could try a lot harder and do a lot better.

But it's supposed to be short -- lengthening it kind of misses the point.

Pork

I thought it was good. I can't really critique it, but yeah, I thought it was witty.

Brevity is the soul of wit--so 'tis said. I rather think wit gives brevity its soul, in the end.

Though aside from that slightly impertinent sidenote, I wonder. You've stated everything; said nothing.

But is the paragraph, blank, sans word or punctuation following your two-sentence submission meant to be the rest of it? It would, in a neatly ironic sense, say it all. ^_~





IMP

Interesting.

Dang, I know that rhyme will be stuck in my head for days now...

Very deep. Big theme covered in small amount of time .

Extremely... short? I realize that you meant it to be this way, but should this be in Other Fiction then? It's witty, I'll give you that. I guess I don't know what to make of it.

I agree - this should be in short fiction.

You did make me think, I'll give you that. But there's no story behind this - no real meaning. It's just a statement.

While this can work sometimes, I don't think this was amazing.

Go check out the 'six word story' contest in monthly contests. It has some amazing ones in there.

*Thumbs up* Good job, just not quite the revelation I expected from you.

~JFW1415

JFW1415 wrote:You did make me think, I'll give you that. But there's no story behind this - no real meaning. It's just a statement.

It is a story. There is meaning.

I agree - this should be in short fiction.

Tell me if I'm wrong, but last time I checked there wasn't a short fiction forum. Other Fiction seemed the best place to post this.

Thank you for the comments, everyone! =)

Prokaryote

I think this is pretty intelligent. It's witty, and makes you think "what exactly did that priest lie about? It's one of those that make you think. Like Ernest Hemingway's (correct me if it's not Hemingway) "For Sale. Baby Shoes. Never Used." It definitely makes you think.

If you have time, can you review "and it's quite lovely" in my portfolio. You don't have to, but ya know...

anyways. Great story, I love it.

Prokaryote wrote:Tell me if I'm wrong, but last time I checked there wasn't a short fiction forum. Other Fiction seemed the best place to post this.

*Hits head* And that would be the result of my lingering migraine.

I meant 'Other,' but not 'other fiction.' It has more things like this; things that are writing, but don't quite fit anywhere. It's at the bottom of the literature page.

~JFW1415

Not flash fiction. It's more of a couplet, if you ask me, or an idea for a poem. I like the idea; it's kind of a paradox. No life after death, yet he's telling us that there's no life after death...haha. *mind explodes*

Good idea and good start.

Now do something with it.

I am not, in any way, resurrecting this. I just wanted to leave my two cents.

I think the cool part about this story, is that you can take it to mean whatever you'd like. The first time that I read it, I thought, "Well... did the priest lie about heaven? After all, a priest has to do with religion."

The second read through, however, led me down another pathway. Perhaps you died because you were sick, and your priest blessed you so you wouldn't die, but you died.

The priest lied.

Wow. Very strong. I loved it.

-Jared

I don't think it's possible to critique five words, but I have to say, I LOVE this and I don't think you should lengthen it because that would totally defeat the purpose. (Although maybe, it could make for an interesting ending to a story? Just a thought.)

I don't know if this is what you meant, but when I first read it, I thought you meant, "I'm dead, I'm not in Heaven and the priest is a filthy liar." And then I realized it could be interpreted in about a hundred different ways. So it's like a magic trick, a hundred stories in one and you only had to write five words! Brilliant!

P.S. Wow, I just read the other comments and realized that mine is exactly the same as BigBadBear's. Um, I like that you are reinterpreting the meaning of story and finding new ways of conveying meaning and character and theme and all that good stuff. Traditional stories are great and all, but sometimes we need to be surprised, and you did that, and some people might not like it, but at least you switched things up and made us think. (Man, I need sleep, that was a crappy critique. I hope you stopped reading at "I love this." But I really did like this.)