Broken.

I really liked it, it seemed dark and I am still wondering what sort of affliction the person was suffering from. I enjoyed it. However I was slightly confused because I couldn't tell if he could remember things or not, because he mentioned not remembering what the nurse said 3 seconds ago. I don't know, it was probably just me, but that threw me off slightly.

Hello

I thought this was pretty good - it works well to draw us in.
Your descriptions are well constructed, too.
However, it is so, so short
Perhaps it would be good as a prologue to the rest of the story? You know, because it doesn't give much away and leaves us wondering what led to this outcome. Just an idea.



Lauren

Personally, I really liked this story, but, maybe you should point out in the beginning that the last thing the character remembers was a flash of bright light, for example, and the screeching of tires. The character wakes up in a hospital bed, and now is reflecting on what happened, even though the character remembers the bits and pieces of the scene. Just a thought.

Hey History! I saw this a while ago, but didn’t have time to critique it. Now I’m back, and, though I should be writing, this is short, so I shall critique!

Nit-Picks

The hospital light bathes me in a sort of tranquil glow as I stare at the I.V. hooked in my wrist. The bluish light shines through the liquid in the bag, making me nearly sick as I watch the swirling [s]particals[/s]particles of who-knows-what inside it.

What else? You don’t really show us much here. Use all the senses. Are
the sheets scratchy? Are the halls loud? Is the AC up too high?

Really set an atmosphere for the piece, but remember to keep it short and sweet – you need to hook us, not bore us.

I haven't moved my head from this position in six months. Well, not on my own[s],[/s] at least. The nurses always put me back in the same position they [s]found [/s]find me in, after they finish their poking and prodding, and that's fine with me.

Why is it fine? Seems boring to me – show us why it’s all right. Don’t leave us guessing quite so much.

The light calms me.

Random much? It's good, but you kind of just threw it in there.

Glad I can't envy them for that.

I’d actually ditch ‘for that’ – we can figure out what you mean. Also, I'd ditch ‘the light calms me,’ or this will lose all effect. You can’t have so many short paragraphs.

But I can hear them. I can hear their laughter, their chattering, their yelling and their deep curses. They have mouths to rival bikers and sailors.

Why bikers? I think sailors will be fine, and it makes more sense to the average reader.

Also, this is a hospital. Sure, maybe someone will swear when something bad happens, but not in one of these rooms – not in a room you’re put in for a long time. (If something bad happened, you'd most likely hear crying, not swearing. The emotions aren't as high - now it's sort of helplessness.) And it’s quiet. People don’t often laugh, and if they do, it’s half-hearted. (At least in the area she’s in. It’s not like where new mothers are.)

You see, nothing escapes me. I have nothing else to do, so I can't help but listen.

The first sentence didn’t make sense with the rest. Also, I don’t like ‘you see.’ Too personal, when the rest isn’t.

My last visitor was probably about two months ago. Someone from court. She had nice perfume. It smelled like wine and roses.

I like that, but you need to keep this up throughout the whole piece. The rest is pretty good, but the beginning is too smooth. Short, choppy sentences will work best here.

I don't remember much of what she said. Seems like I should. Seems like I should remember everything, since all I do is listen.

I really like this.

But I couldn't tell you what the nurse outside my door said three[s]3[/s] seconds ago.

Don’t get lazy – write out ‘three.’ Also, combine this with the previous paragraph – it’s not strong enough on its own.

I miss my hands. I miss being able to use them. They're pretty mangled up now, all gnarled and wrinkled. I don't look at them anymore.

I think that would sound a bit nicer.

The doctors will be coming soon. Nurse said something about a surprise. What surprise...oh yeah. I remember. My birthday.

I really don’t like this part – it ended your piece weakly. You really need to work the part after ‘about a surprise.’ Maybe something like this?

The doctors will be coming soon. Nurse said something about a surprise. Said that it was a big day, but it feels like any other to me.

Also, you'll probably have to alter the last line to fit whatever you change this to. Maybe 'I turn sixteen today?'

I'm sixteen today.

I love the ending, but, as I said, the part right before it needs to lead up to it better.

Overall Comments

You have some specks of gold in here. I really liked the passage from ‘my last visitor…’ to the last line, though there are a few mistakes. Also, I like your ideas, especially the envy part.

However, this piece isn’t anything special at this point. It’s just a ramble from some girl in a hospital. I’ve been told I’m heartless (I’m not! Well, kind of…) but maybe you need a heartless person to read this.

To a normal reader, they’d love this because it’s sad. To me, a heartless one, I don’t. I pity the girl, but that’s just it. Pity. Nothing more.

Is This Real?

No, not ‘did this actually happen?’ I mean, does it feel real?

Think about it: a sixteen year old girl, paralyzed. She’s at the point of life when you crave freedom, and she just had it ripped away from her. She stares at a ceiling for months on end, listens to conversations she can’t partake in. The boredom is enough to drive anyone insane.

She needs to have some sort of reaction. Boredom, anger, jealousy, or even a lack of one. You made her jealous at first, but then you switched to emotionless. She needs to stay relatively consistent. Obviously she can go from jealous to sad if something bad happens, but there has to be a reason she changes.

Short, Choppy Sentences

I really liked when you used this type of sentence. (Like this paragraph: My last visitor was probably about two months ago. Someone from court. She had nice perfume. It smelled like wine and roses.) It shows how messed up her mind is, how detached she is. You probably wouldn’t be making much sense after six months of nothing, would you?

That’s why I liked the second part better. I felt like I was in her mind. The first seemed too long and poetic. You don’t need to ditch it, though – just mix it up. Like this line:

I haven't moved my head from this position in six months. Well, not on my own at least. The nurses always put me back in the same position they find me in, after they finish their poking and prodding, and that's fine with me.

Can change to:

I haven’t moved in six months – not on my own. Nurse [for the rest of the part, she just calls any old nurse ‘Nurse’] always puts me back when she’s done her poking and prodding. Back in the same position.

It could be done better, but see how it’s similar to the end now? I like this way a bit better.

Memory

This girl has been locked up for six months – use that to your advantage! Fit some details in. Does she remember everything from before/after the accident? Does she remember irrelevant little details (like the woman’s perfume?) You can’t say she can’t remember what was said three seconds ago and also say that she remembers what the perfume smelled like unless there’s a reason that shows throughout the whole piece.

Continuation

Right now, this piece seemed a bit useless. I don’t know this girl, I don’t feel for her. I don’t care that a court person came to see her.

I’m going to tell you what I hate hearing: expand. I actually think this would be a great prologue. We can get in her mind, see what’s going on a bit, then the real story can start. Maybe in third person, looking at all the people connected to her, seeing what happened? Seeing their reactions?

That’s just what I would do, though.

I hope I helped a bit. I really liked this piece – keep it up!

Good luck, and happy editing!

~JFW1415

This was a pretty powerful piece, nice job. But I do have some points:

They have mouths to rival bikers and sailors.

You don't tell us who. The nurses? Other people's visitors? Expand.

Also, when you say "3 seconds", that should be "three". Don't use digits, it's lazy.

I think that we could use more detail. Why can't they remember anything? What's happened to them? Why are they like this? If you want us to really feel for your character, you need to tell us more, was it an accident? Even if they don't remember details, you can hint it to us. Perhaps you could have nurses talking or something...

Also, why does nobody come to visit? What's happened to their family, their friends? Have they just left? Are they dead?

You show talent, but there isn't enough here to "wow" me. You need to finish telling the story, go back to explain why you're writing it in the first place, if that makes sense.

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

This was interesting. It was a unique idea. I do think it could be longer, though. I'm looking forward to the continuation.