Broken.

The hospital light bathes me in a sort of tranquil glow as I stare at the I.V. hooked in my wrist. The bluish light shines through the liquid in the bag, making me nearly sick as I watch the swirling particals of who-knows-what inside it.

I haven't moved my head from this position in six months. Well, not on my own, atleast. The nurses always put me back in the same position they found me in, after they finish their poking and prodding, and that's fine with me.

The light calms me.

I can't see the door from here. I'm glad. I'm glad I can't see the people up and walking, glad I can't watch them move their hands as they talk.
Glad I can't envy them that.

But I can hear them. I can hear their laughter, their chattering, their yelling and their deep curses. They have mouths to rival bikers and sailors.

You see, nothing escapes me. I have nothing else to do, so I can't help but listen.

My last visitor was probably about two months ago. Someone from court. She had nice perfume. It smelled like wine and roses.
I don't remember much of what she said. Seems like I should. Seems like I should remember everything, since all I do is listen.
But I couldn't tell you what the nurse outside my door said 3 seconds ago.

I miss my hands. I miss being able to use them. They're pretty mangled up now, gnarled and wrinkled. I don't look at them anymore.

The doctors will be coming soon. Nurse said something about a surprise. What surprise...oh yeah. I remember. My birthday.

I'm sixteen today.
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What'd you think?

The nurses always put me back in the same position they found me in, after they finish their poking and prodding, and that's fine with me.

It seems like this could use some re-arranging to make it a little more understandable. Try:
After they finish their poking and prodding, the nurses put me back in the same position they found me in, which is fine by me.

I don't really have much to say about this. It was short, sweet, touching, and reminded me a bit of Burned. The only comment I really have is to watch your line breaks, as they were a tad confusing.

Other than that, good job.

Keep up the good work,
-JC

Thanks! I'll do that.

Really bittersweet and intriguing, but so short! I think this would make a great beginning for something you could lengthen... however, if you want to leave it like this, it's still sweet.
You wrote:
"But I couldn't tell you what the nurse outside my door said 3 seconds ago."
and
"Nurse said something about a surprise."
I know these aren't too close together, and probably aren't referencing the same nurse, but the way you've structured the sentences make it sound confusing. Also in the second paragraph you put "atleast"-- one word. In some places that might work, but here it doesn't.
I really like this!

I thought this was short but touching. I actually liked it a lot. Even just in those short paragraphs, you really got a feel for the character and what kind of person he/she was. I don't have much I would change about it, I think it's good how it is. Keep up the good writing!

-Keira

I really liked it. It was nice all the way through - really touching. I like the description and you can really relate with the character

nice one!

Though a tad too short it is really touching, and displays the emotion in a clear way.

Try to read through it a few times, and maybe say sentences out loud to make sure they all flow nicely. If it cannot be said smoothly, reading it will not be smooth either.

Well done

XxxDo

Hello Darling!

The bluish light shines through the liquid in the bag, making me nearly sick as I watch the swirling [s]particals[/s] particles of who-knows-what inside it.

I think saying "bluish" does not show yourself as a good writer. Be exact, succinct. "Bluish" is like saying kind of blue, somewhat blue, not exactly but sort of like the color blue. It's not as good as saying it is blue, or it is not blue. You might be wise to use a metaphor to explain what kind of blue, which could lend beauty to your writing as well. "The light is blue like... as it shines through the liquid in the bag..."

Well, not on my own, [s]atleast[/s] at least.

Glad I can't envy them that.

I think this sentence would look better if it wasn't incomplete. I'm glad I cannot envy them that.

They're pretty mangled up now, gnarled and wrinkled.

Please do not use "pretty" as an intensifier. Just remove it all together. Again, be more exact in what you have to say. Your adjectives "mangled", "gnarled", "wrinkled" are all good choices, but they are all cliché choices in this specific position. Try to describe the hands in more detail. What does she miss most about them? Do they resemble something else, something grotesque? What do that feel like when she does use them, or do they have no use at all? Would she rather have her old arms, or none at all? Is the skin a different color than it was before? Be as exact and specific in your details as possible, it makes for great reading.

I do not particularly like this, I am sorry to say. To begin with, the present tense used in writing is difficult to do and often fails, so for me, it is annoying. You also have a complete lack of conflict. It's a piece of flash fiction, so it has to exist in a short amount of time, and it has to be good with as few words as possible. You spend most of your time telling us things, things that don't entirely matter. Why don't they matter? Because we do not care about your speaker. It's hard for us to care about your speaker when we don't know what is wrong with her and why. It's harder for us to care when all she is doing is lying in a bed, throwing a small but still existent pity party for herself. You might think the reader would be interested through sympathy, but I for one am not. I want conflict, I want something to be going terribly wrong. Stories, more often than not, and you have to be an amazing writer to avoid this, thrive on conflict. They start with a question. "Will the character ------?" and by the end, that question should be answered. Here, there is no question, no conflict, no answer. It makes it drab.

Not to say this could be made into something better. The kinds of stories that survive without conflict are those that are poetic to read. I'm not sure what you could do to go about fixing this. I think it would be easier to add conflict. I am not sure... Because all you do is have the speaker speak to us, and for the most part, nothing is happening, the scene its self is boring. I would say that you could write with the same speaker from some other point, and perhaps reach the same effect you are trying to create. (Although I'm not entirely sure what effect you are trying to have on the reader?)

I just read something on phantom limbs and neglect syndrome. Perhaps your speakers argues with the nurse. "My arms are not paralyzed." "That isn't my arm." Of course, what is wrong with her arms? I don't know. But both phantom limb and neglect syndrome are interesting, and not to completely hijack your plot for you or anything, but they could make your story a lot more interesting.

Short stories, especially flash fiction, is really difficult. Think about it, really! You only have 500 words to make your reader impressed? It's difficult. Please don't take any of this as an attack on your writing, I'm merely trying to help. I realize that at the moment mine is the largest and most in depth critique here, so, I hope I do not seem overly harsh or cruel. ^^,


If you have any questions about something I mentioned or would like help on something, feel free to pm me.

Edit: I forgot to say something! Your title is also an area that could be improved. Broken is a plain word; try to find something that speaks more to whatever message you want your reader to perceive. Be creative. Don't just use one word if two is more exact. Don't just choose any, plain word. Titles should be beautiful works of art unto themselves.

Hey!

This was sort of too short for me...not a lot of comment on.

I did notice one thing however,

Glad I can't envy them that.

This was confusing. I think you meant: Glad that I can't envy them for that.

Otherwise, very sad start. This girl is paraylzed and she is only 16! I can't even imagine if I was paraylzed....wow.

But yeah, I'm sorry I can't give you a fuller review. My only advise is that you need to add a lot more to this to make it a more complete story!

Hope this helps!

Interesting...I just found one thing.


1. Glad I can't envy them that.

I'd take "that" off because with it doesn't make sense. At least to me.

I thought this was interesting. That's the only thing I saw. Keep writing.

Wow, with that short tidbit you had me in tears by the end. I agree with the replies before me, the spacing is kinda strange, made my eyes go cross eyed. But you did a wonderful job of giving a feel for the character and the pain that they had experienced in the past. Wonderful job and if you can whip up some more to go with the story you could get a really really good story!

This_is_history wrote:Glad I can't envy them that.

Take out that?

This_is_history wrote:
Someone from court. She had nice perfume. It smelled like wine and roses.
I don't remember much of what she said. Seems like I should. Seems like I should remember everything, since all I do is listen.

I like the short sentence feel through most of this, but here I think the sentences about the perfume should be put together something like: She had nice perfume that smelled like wine and roses. It still keeps the sentence short, but doesn't break up the paragraph. I though it was a little too choppy the other way.

But yeah that's all I saw that I thought to comment on. Great story over all! Very sad. It made me think twice about getting up and walking across the room. I like stories that do that.

Glad I can't envy them that.

doesn't make sense to me.



other than that good job ^_^

This is going to have to be a quick review because I have to get ready for school soon. Here I go!

The hospital light bathes me in a sort of tranquil glow as I stare at the I.V. hooked in my wrist. The bluish light shines through the liquid in the bag, making me nearly sick as I watch the swirling particals of who-knows-what inside it.

This feels very serene when I'm reading this, and hopefully it's what you're going for. One thing I will comment of is, doesn't the I.V. go into their arms, not their wrists (ignore me if you want, I don't know much about hospital). And also, this line:

making me nearly sick

It reads oddly. Maybe you should say, making me feel sick

atleast

at least

Glad I can't envy them that.

This sentence is awkward. I think you meant to put the that after the Glad, am I right?



I'm interested in finding out what happened to he girl. Why did somebody from the court some? What about her parents? I think that you should put in some more description. If she can't do anything, wouldn't se spend most of her time staring at the wall? I liked how there was almost no eotion in her voice, but just enough so that we could understand her.

Good luck in future!