haha.
It was cute, but it might need a little bit more length...
Maybe why this person feels this way...
Such and such.
And watch your title, it did not have a Capital Letter..
Sorry, that just bugs meh.
And your grammar.
Just sayin'.
But I did in fact, like this...
Yeah. I echo the others. This is a really nice start, although way too short. You really need to expand on it. Otherwise this just isn't enough to be fantastic.
Welcome to YWS, I see we haven't met, so I give you my greeting and good hops for your continual stay here. ^^
The poem!
This is a short poem. The kind of short poem that really *shouldn't* be a short poem, because it fails to engage at all.
Firstly, we'll chat about the repetition. In a four line poem, having three of those start with the same beginning is merely annoying to the reader. It provides no poetric purpose, except to show how monotonously uncreative the poem itself is.
We don't care. When a person reads a poem they are - however subconsciously - looking to care about the persona, and the facts presented. We don't care here. I don't care here. What does it mean to me, whose house you will be in? Why should we care? Think about this, and look at your poem from a critical view, why is it important that you may be ar someone elses house?
Here, you are lacking in poetic elements. You have words, but no techniques. Perhaps some imagery, a metaphor or similie would help you out here. What does the fear of being alone feel like. Or is it not fear, but an impending excitement that jitters along your bones until you feel you could split with the want of it all. Think about this, a bit of imagery, and explanation, can go a long way.
Your best line is "It is a mystery" why don't you take that and expand on it. Merely the concept of mystery and how it equates to life, perhaps it is the glint in the eye of a suspect man, or the green on your birthday present. As it is, your poem fails to enagage, and fails to *mean* anything. It's merely words on the page.
It does, however, have potential. You have what I can see is a base concept, but you need to look at all of the above before it becomes something for the reader, as well as yourself.
Luck! If you change this, Pm me. I'd love to read it over again.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.
This is a very basic outline to a poem. But as others said it's a very good start. Try expanding on it and give us (the readers) a visual. Something solid that we can picture in our minds.
A very good start to something that could be great!
This dies at the title, and the fundamental conflict seems to be driven by...wait, what conflict? There's nothing that follows that is either unexpected or new.
Just a random thought, but a poem along these lines might be more successful if (a) it featured a kleptomaniac or (b) you killed the first strophe.
Best,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
This is a slightly hilarious poem, but if you want anybody to take it seriously, you're going to have to add more.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Like the others said, this is like the framework for a great poem. You should add a little depth to this, and really mix your feelings in there. Tell how you really feel.
Hey, remember, you'll find a friend. I don't have a friend right now either, so I'm pretty lonely. Jesus is always there to turn to! He is just waiting for you so you can have a friend too. He luvs ya!!!
