Le Ballet Volé

Take my words and
twist them around your body,
a tutu for your naked flesh,
and spin around, your toe
grinding into my brain
as you leap
from your perfect attitude en pointe.

Ignore me--I am only the pit musician
with too many broken reeds
who, when Beauty tumbles from my lungs,
can only gasp, my fingers curving around
silver keys, watching my muse
snatched away from my soul
only to become
your dance.

That is cool

Ewwww... I love it! XDI love the first stanza, but the second one is hard to understand. Maybe it's meant to be that way? But it just doesn't make as much sense to me as the first one does. Brilliance though. I love these lines:

"a tutu for your naked flesh,
and spin around, your toe
grinding into my brain
as you leap
from your perfect attitude en pointe."

Wonderful Snoink! ^_^
~Yoyo

This is interesting. Im not sure i understand it though it must be said. First off, great imagery. It creates an almost uncomfortable tension which i love in poems. I disagree with yoha_ahoy and much prefer the second stanza though. It just seems the imagery is more...together, and the rhythm has a nicer flow to it. Also, Im not so sure i like the jump from words to music. Conceptually, it's a bit confusing (but then again, im easily confused). I like it because you seem to be trying something different, which is always nice to see around these parts.

But yeah sorry i cant be of much help, im sleepy. XD x

Hey, Snoinkus!

Thought while I was on a poetry-critiquing kick, I'd stop by. I really do enjoy this poem. You took imagery from music/ballet, which people have done before, and twisted it slightly so that it's utterly unique. Which is quite cool, in my opinion.

Some of the phrasing was kind of awkward, due to the fact that the lines were rather long and had essentially no breaks (besides lines) in there.

a tutu for your naked flesh,

with too many broken reeds

Those were both lines that I thought were cool but you could live without. They both added considerable length the sentences, and...I'm rather a fan of simplicity. Keeping things to the point will help your metaphors come across in a streamlined fashion, and that, my dear Snoinkus, is what would make this utterly fabulous.

This is great, Snoink, really fresh and your imagery is striking. It flows very well as a whole. I love the weirdness of;
"a tutu for your naked flesh, "

and

"your toe
grinding into my brain"

is great.

I also love;

"Ignore me--I am only the pit musician
with too many broken reeds."

Though I might try;

"with one too many broken reeds."

Brillaint overall, Snoink. A pleasure to read.

Jas

I don't know what to say... Yet.

Nice

Just one thing...

The first stanza is saying Take my words...
but the second is saying the opposite...Ignore me.

Was this intentional?

Otherwise it's a beautiful poem

Well done

Peace V
Inky

ink_on_fire wrote:Nice

Just one thing...

The first stanza is saying Take my words...
but the second is saying the opposite...Ignore me.

Was this intentional?

Yes. ^_^

Beautiful...

i like it...it has alot of metaphors and keeps the reader interested! great job!

Humm...interesting poem. Nice work on it.

Very nice.
A little hard to understand at first but then becomes completley clear.
I LOVE IT

Nifty way to put those words together. I showed it to my sister and she liked it too(she's a dancer). Interesting, plain and simple.

I liked this poem. It was creative and original. A little "emo" for my taste, but it expresses emotion in a way where the reader can feel what you're feeling, and interpret their own meaning.