The unspoken thoughts of suffering

Am new to this site so just thought I'd show my face with a poem of mine.
Any constructive criticism is appreciated

Silently sitting; contemplating,
These thoughts won't flee my head.
I fear that you might see through it,
For the emotion is not dead.

The question remains; unspoken.
What if what I think is true?
If I died right here, right now,
What would happen to you?

Choking at the thought; suffocating.
Hands tighten round my throat,
But is this what it seems,
Or just a dreamboat kept afloat?

That is it; a decision.
I must walk out and leave,
But will they even notice,
That I am scared to breathe?

Hands tighten round might throat

hmm this doesn't semm right to me. Is 'might' suppost to me my?


Other wise it was pretty good. ^_^

I really like the flow of this poem. It had a really pronounced beat to it which made it irrististable! Great job. My favorite stanza is the third because well... I just do.

On every third line of each stanza, you need some sort of punctuation. I really can't be more helpful than that. It was a really good poem. I want to read more.

:Sythe:

Nice

I think you meant my
instead of might

Hands tighten round might throat

Perhaps some punctuation at the end of some of the lines?

Silently sitting; contemplating,
These thoughts won't flee my head.
I fear that you might see through it,
For the emotion is not dead.

Commas can add a little extra flow.

I love the way you've used a semicolon in the first lines and placed a strong word after each. It gives the poem dimension.

The question remains; unspoken

Overall, beautiful poem
Lovely read

Peace V

Thanks.
I've made the suggested edits.
I now realise how the punctuation is needed, have I got it right?

I think it's an amazing poem. I think the punctuation and all look good now, but i never read the poem without them either.


I also think that you've hit a spot where alot of people can connect with the emotions in your poem. It's not always easy to create a connection and you did a nice job with it.

The rhythm is good but... it doesn't really say anything. Are these the only thoughts that go through your head as you think about this sort of stuff?

I don't know.

It's written so that it is very impersonal and it doesn't really carry much emotion. Deal more with the thoughts and less with the rhyming. Dig deeper and it'll be okay.

JustMe.,


This is as bad as anything. Each stanza repeats the theme without developing it. The padding to preserve rhyme and meter seems forced in almost every instance. For future endeavors, come to the first page, read through four or five poems--if any of them have your exact same idea and theme played out, then it's probably a good indicator that you need to reconsider posting.

I don't see any promise here that would repay an investment in editing.


Best,
Brad