Warm gaze from cool, blue eyes. Love as clear as the mourning skies. But like all things in life, it ended slowly and it ended with strife.
Firstly, "mourning" should be "morning" unless you mean to personify the skies as weeping. But that would contradict the idea of them being "clear" so...make up your mind? XD
You're right when you say this verse is corny. What's worse, though, is it seriously doesn't grab my attention. When you start a poem, you really want to hook the reader, just as you would in a story. I'd rewrite this verse so that the last lines are first, perhaps: "Like all things in life/it ended slowly and with strife/that warm gaze from her cool,blue eyes/Her love as clear as the morning skies." Or whatever. It makes more sense that way too.
Now i hide from the world, waiting for a bit of sun. now i hide from the world, waiting for a reason not to use this gun.
When something else comes along, ill make the same mistakes but I'll know that they were wrong, and i'll make you see it too, whatever it takes.
Don't mention the gun unless you mean it; it sounds forced and cliche when you toss it in as a trivial one-liner. Neither of these verses make much logical sense -- what exactly are you talking about? You're going in several directions at once: perhaps try to write out a timeline, and then arrange your verses to it so that the poem has a more natural progression. Also, your rhyme scheme has changed -- first it's AABB and now suddenly it's ABAB. You may want to fix that. And tidy up your rhythm while you're about it.
I joked and laughed and never thought but now i live with the pain that my own heart has wrought and it's driving me insane.
I hope one day i'll see the world so i can start again. The mysteries will all unfold and you'll know what we could have been.
Mm. Doesn't really say anything to me. The entire poem is vague and navel-gazing. "Again" and "been" do not rhyme very well.
My suggestion would be to take the sentiment of this poem and fashion it into something else. In particular, I'd maybe drop the rhyme and try free verse, which should hopefully liberate the rhythm and avoid the forced rhyming. I would also perhaps try getting a bit more creative -- you're sticking to the real world and attempt to make this a narrative; perhaps a more expressive means of communicating your emotions would be to liken them to something else or explore them using analogies/metaphors/etc.
The main thing I think you need to work on is involving your reader. This poem is very self-absorbed: only you can understand precisely what you are referring to. Either tell us so we can understand too, or better still show us through words how it feels. Readers do not want to be on the outside, looking in on your private world. We want to understand and feel things with you, so you have to use language which involves us.
you're right..it is pretty self-absorbed. i wrote it for her, initially. and I know my rythm wasn't the best, but I think it's getting better.
when i said 'love as clear as the mourning skies', i was talking about how her love isn't really clear at all. if you just heard someone read the poem, you would think they were saying just the opposite: that her love was clear. this was symbolic for what I understand of her love. that was the effect I was going for, anyway, and I don't blame you for not seeing it(assuming you didn't). it was pretty obscure.
in fact, just about everything in this poem was obscure. if you really want me to go into detail and explain everything else i wrote, PM me.
Actually, despite your warnings otherwise, the first stanza is my favorite! I love the line 'Love as clear as the mourning[sic] skies.' When I think of morning skies I think crisp, simple, clean and full of potential, which I feel perfectly depicts the love between young people; when it comes to their relationships, any lack of experience is more than made up for with enthusiasm. The morning, as compared with any other time of the day, is exactly that-- new, innocent, and filled with promise. I love the correlations!
However, my love of the second line is easily rivaled by my dislike of the first. It's true that blue eyes can flash warm gazes, but you make a point to describe them as being 'cool.' Warm and cool are direct opposites of each other, and the line ends up being in conflict with itself. On its own, it would be fine, but because the second line is in such agreement with itself, as it makes such a lovely, applicable and powerful simile between love and the morning, the opposing effects of the two lines clash. If the second line was something along the lines of 'love as muddled as murky water' and consequently matched the mechanics of the first line, then you could use the discord to create a chaotic tone throughout the poem (or the first stanza, at least). However, the poem goes from antagonistic to harmonious in the span of two lines, and it's confusing and uncomfortable for the reader.
I also agree with the use of the gun; the implications are too heavy for it to be used so carelessly. Also, the speaker of the poem sounds young, and so it cheapens the poem to have someone who classically 'doesn't know any better' do something so stereotypical. It takes a stronger person to trudge on in the face of adversity.
As for the last stanza-- doesn't the speaker already see the world? He's in such pain that I don't understand how he could not possibly be seeing the world for what it is. I think what you mean is that the speaker is so hurt that he has no desire to have anything to do with life at the moment, and so I suggest changing the line to something along the lines of
I hope one day I'll find the strength so I can start again
or
to face the world again
There's promise here. I'd take another stab at it if I were you, or at least take the strong points of this poem and apply them somewhere else down the line.
