fractures

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fractures.

hairline fractures are hard to see unless
the right light hits at
just the right angle-
then I can tell you might
split in half at any moment.
I have to say this isn’t a surprise;
after all, on the outside
you are far from perfect.
the blue of your waistcoat is
slipping onto your white socks
you are undefined, leaning there
against that pale, half-painted tree-trunk, and
your face is collapsing into itself
the way wax melts and tires implode-
you are becoming more grotesque
each time I look at you.
yet despite your deformities, like
a little prince you are proud
of your dim colours
and your small brown shoes leaking
onto the non-green-grass of the
scaly ground
matching the feathered hat in your hand
the hair shining
on your un-round head.
and all along your middle, a thin black line
almost indistinguishable
from the folds of your shirt
tells me that you might
split in half at any moment
when a crack in your existence
swallows you up.
Last edited by bubblewrapped on Fri May 20, 2005 6:46 am, edited 2 times in total.
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It's nice to see Bubblewrapped around!

Well, I have to say, I loved it from beginning to end.
when there's nowhere to go, it's time to grow up.




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Bubble! Long time no see my love! Yay! And, as always, decidedly delightful. I see nothing wrong with this...which is amazing...I always have something mean to say...yea, I've kind of become the botch of the forums...second only to Incan, except I go into more detail. BUt this...lovely. Well, ok, one comment, you might want to switch one of those "split in half at any moment" lines. Not quite sure having the same line twice works very well with this poem.
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Thanks, both of you. It has been too long! But I'm back again at last :). Odd thing is, I was actually writing about a little figurine when I wrote this, LMAO! It was an exercise in a Creative Writing book I borrowed recently. And yet somehow it turned into a poem about a person...
Poetry. It does some strange things.
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Hey again BW. I like this. It really works out and flows from beginning to end. I love the idea of your whole poem and can't wait to read more!




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This was good. At the very beginning, it seemed like a bunch of ramblings, but at the end you saw the point of all the words. Well done. My only suggestions are one: you don't need the parentheses. It kind of breaks up the poem a little. and two: I suggest you start your first sentence with something more interesting. For instance, instead of

hairline fractures are hard to see unless
the right light hits at
just the right angle-

I suggest you do:

Unless the right light hits at the just the right angle
hairline fractures are hard to see

Of course, that is up to you and perhaps you should use some different words in there, but this was very good.
I especially loved your last few lines. Beautiful
~ WD
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You're still alive!? Hm...I need to contact Kolache...

ER....wait.

Anyway, poem was, as per usual, beautiful. Only thing I would do is find another word to replace "Emperor" with. Also, the last line has too many syllables and throws me off while reading it.
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:shock:

I think I need to check that I really am still alive, and not in a coma having hallucinations. You didnt just say something nice, did you, Incandescence? About my poem?

Well, I'm not going to look a gift...review in the...mouth(?). Thank you very much. I'll think about your suggestions.

And thanks to everyone else, too. I'm glad you enjoyed this.

[walks off, muttering] And I could have sworn I woke up this morning, too...


:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Either you're still insane or I am hallucinogenic, which I have assumed for some time, now....

Anyway, one last reccomendation for your consideration. The lines:

and your small brown shoes bleeding/onto the non-green-grass of the/scaly ground

are far too ambiguous at present. Brown shoes are bleeding onto (non) green grass - does this mean he is killing everything in his path? And if so, is this an emblem of Derridaian "dialectic feminism"? It's an interesting idea for a poem - but since the entire poem's meaning was not on Dialectic Feminism, I'm assuming you're not using Authoritative Severity, of any kind, here.
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson




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Dialectic feminism! Honestly. What are you, some kind of genius? No, wait, I know the answer to that one already. Show off. :wink:

Anyway, dont worry, I'm nowhere near as clever as you (dont) give me credit for. 'Bleeding' is used simply as a metaphor for overlapping - the painter has gone over the edge of his feet and onto the grass (which makes a valiant attempt at being green only doesnt quite make it). But if it makes you feel better, I'll reword it.
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i liked this poem i think it was very well writen




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Thanks Trinity!

I've just edited it somewhat, so -prods- anyone? What dyou think?
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Thought it was time I got around to giving people proper crits...I think I used the poem before you edited it, so sorry if I repeat something that you already fixed. but otherwise here it goes.

oh and disregard the comment about finding another word for green in non-green-grass the alliteration is much better than anything else you could put there.

CL

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Now thats what I call profesional editing! :D
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Cheers C.L. :) I used your suggestion for the rearrangement of 'of your dim colours" - I think it works better on the next line; ta! :D
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