lies

deleted

Hi, Camille!

You know as well as I do that I'm extremely unexperienced in poetry... so my review probably won't help at all, but I just had to review this because 1) you wrote it 2) it didn't have any reviews yet.

hidden under a shirt where no
one can see them. you never know, but she will

This seemed odd, because people pronounce "no one" almost like it's one word, so it seems a strange place to choose. But what do I know?

scar tissue is flesh apart.

I really don't understand this. Do you mean "of scar tissue is flesh a part" or something like that?

Overall, I liked this piece. The metaphors are really nice, although I would like to see a little more un-metaphorical description--that is, just plain imagery. That might make the metaphors even more strong? I don't know, you don't have to listen to me.

I would like to know who "she" is (in the fifth line of the first stanza) but maybe you meant it to be anonymous?

I have a feeling this didn't help at all...

~Azila~

LIES

lies are silver. (Capitalize L)
like scar tissue and spiders’ silk, (Caps L. Spider's (one spider))
strung and woven between the shoulder-blades. (Caps S. Shoulder blade)
hidden under a shirt where no ( Caps h. Drop 'where no')
one can see them. you never know, but she will (drop 'no one can see them, but'. 'She will find out)
find (drop)
out. (drop)

scar tissue is flesh apart. (Caps S)
you can trace those gossamer strands from a focal point, (drop 'You can'. drop 'from a focal point' (no lens so no focal point, excessive to))
watch them spread out like wire-thin
antlers through (caps A)
ripened flesh. (merge with above)

they think they can hide
behind their lies. this thing you call safety. it has (Caps B, drop next piece to new line, merge 'It has' with line below.)
no voice.
nothing but the minute clicking of tiny spider fangs (Caps N, drop minute, awkward)
as they sew silk across the skin behind your heart. (Caps A, drop 'across the skin')

Interesting poem, some parts of the structure didn't make sense, and some of the words were out of order or just plain awkward. I tried to fix that up a little for you, but some pieces could be rewritten or have more dropped to make it more powerful.

Kenpachi - Capitalization in poetry is a stylistic choice for the poet. Camille, I think the lack of caps works fine in this poem, especially because you included proper punctuation. It balances it, I think.

Being specific. You've definitely got a good start. I like that you've chosen to focus on one strong image when talking about such a broad, abstract subject. You could hint a little more at the context; I do like the mystery of not knowing the details of the lie in question, but the only reference you really make to the particular lie is "but she will/find/out."

Line breaks.

lies are silver.
like scar tissue and spiders’ silk,
strung and woven between the shoulder-blades.
hidden under a shirt where no
one can see them. you never know, but she will
find
out.

Here I would first merge the first and second sentences:
lies are silver,
like scar tissue and spiders' silk,
strung and woven between the shoulder blades.
(Note: you also might say "The lies" as a better reference to the specific lie rather than the abstract concept of a lie.)

Then I would mix up the line breaks for that same selection, something along these lines:
lies are silver, like scar tissue
and spiders' silk, strung
and woven between the shoulder blades.

Breaking for the words "find" and "out" is a bit of an immature way to place emphasis on them; keep in mind that you don't pause for line breaks when reading aloud. I would stick "but she will find out" all together on the same line.

antlers through
ripened flesh.

Put these all on the same line.

behind their lies. this thing you call safety. it has
no voice.

Loving the break between "it has" and "no voice"!

Good stuff; you just need to spend some time on it.
-Colleen

I agree with Cade about being specific, and I also think that the line breaks, while good, could maybe use a little more work. A really great image, though, and you develop it perfectly--not too much repetition or detail, just enough to give us the right idea but keep some of the mystery. One little thing:

scar tissue is flesh apart.

I'm not sure exactly why, but this line bugs me. It could be that you'd been focusing so much on "lies" that to suddenly make "scar tissue" the focus here (at the beginning of a stanza no less) seemed out of place. I realize that "scar tissue" is your metaphor, but maybe bring the word "lie(s)" back into it, something like that.

'K, I'll say right now that I am no expert at poetry. But this was just so pretty that I had to say something.

I really liked this. It just felt so delicate and organic, like I was holding a spider web between my hands and could feel all the strands. Yes, that sounds weird, but that was exactly what I was thinking when I read this poem. You captured this fragile essence that just rocks my socks.

Fabulous job on this poem. Even the fact that all the letters were in lowercase emphasized the delicate nature.

*thumbs up*

Loved it.

~GryphonFledgling

Wow, thank you all so much! I didn't expect to receive many positive reviews.

Azila > I'll take your nit-picks into account as I edit. And yes, I did intend for 'she' to be anonymous.
Kenpachi Masamune > I don't want to capitalize the beginning letters, but I appreciate your suggestions on structure. Those things will be fixed as I edit. =)
Cade > thank-you so much! I will fix the things you mentioned -- you really know your stuff when it comes to poetry!
gryfalcon > I don't like that line either -- it was bugging me as I wrote this. Thanks for your suggestion; I'll definitely take it into account as I edit.
GryphonFledgling > thanks! Praise is always nice to hear, and I'm glad that you thought it was organic -- that was my intention.

Again, thank you all for your input!

- The happy Camille

s you know me CamilleI won't do something extraodinary, but I thought that it was quite amazing indeed!
Very well done my friend!
Tootles,
shanan-cat!

Hi, long time no see! First thing I will say is to use capital letters at the start of each sentence, as with prose as with poetry.

this thing you call safety. it has

I would change that period to a semicolon (;)

and woven between the shoulder-blades.

Again, more of the same.

find
out.

I would merge these.

Alright, so grammar aside...

I enjoyed that a lot. I thought it was a good theme to choose - I am getting sick of love poems. And can I just say...

scar tissue is flesh apart.

I love that imagery.

I really enjoyed that and you are certainly a good poet. Do you do a lot? You should!

Keep writing!

~Mark

Thanks, you guys!

I would change that period to a semicolon (:wink:

Well, I kind of want to keep it a period, since the line 'it has no voice' I want to be isolated...

shanan < I'm glad you liked it!
Aedomir > thanks for the crit; I'll be taking your suggestions into account as I edit!

Cheers,
Camille xx

Truely astounding Camille!
I know that you have the mind to creat something like this and I have already told you but this poem is just simply amazing!
The words that you have put together are really moving and I wisj to have a copy of this one. I hope you don't mind.

Please, you should have conyinued with tihs one and made much longer for I know that you can do it.

Pease take my consederation into thought and amke it longer.

Shanana-cat!

Wolf,


Consider dropping all of S2.

The enjambment in S1 works well enough until the last two lines. There is no reason to break " / find / out." It makes no sense stylistically, i.e. it doesn't contribute to the flow or structurally suggest any changes, and is an eye sore aesthetically. Other comments I've left to in-line specs; if you have questions, feel free to ask.

the lies are silver(,) [/]
like (scar tissue and) spiders’ silk, strung (/) and woven [/]
between the shoulder-blades [and] (/) hidden [/]
under a shirt where no (/) one can see( them) [/].
(you never know,)[/] but she will (/) find (/) out.

(scar tissue is flesh apart.
you can trace those gossamer strands from a focal point,
watch them spread out like wire-thin
antlers through ripened flesh.)

they think they can hide
behind their lies. this thing you call safety(.)[,] it has
no voice(. /)[,] nothing but the (minute) clicking [/]
of tiny spider fangs (/) as they sew silk [/]
across the skin behind your heart.


Thanks for letting me read,
Brad

It's very different, don't agree with lies being like Spiders, as I love them, but it's from ya mind so won't be too nit picky about it. Now on second read of stanza two, I agree it uneeded and cluttered it up. I can't say much more even though I don't agree with spider thing, it's well written.

Overall: For a first try, it deserves a star. #

Good luck
VSN

I like the fact of the "errors" of the grammar
were they intentional?
sometimes we have to rebel against what the english language to get our points across
Dont change a thing
these are great metaphors u r using here

I'm not a poetry know-it-all

but i like the poem,

the only thing that bugs me is the way the lines are broken

because it destracted me from the work itself.

But thats just me, someone else might love it.