Of Secrets

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Darkness comes,
The liquid moon
Rises from eternal gloom.
In it's light
Without a sound,
An old man sits on the ground.
Clad is he,
In robes of wool,
And a yew staff lies beside him

In the distance,
Olympus proud,
Is whispering without a sound.
Of secrets dark
And secrets deep,
Secrets the mountain jealous keeps.

The old man sits,
Without a care,
Save the charges lying there
Sleeping on the down.
A little food, a little warmth
Is all the old man sought
He plays his pipe, a merry tune,
And banishes the stagnant gloom,
For a little while.

For secrets dark, and secrets deep;
Secrets that haunt the sleep
Of other men hold no power over him.
He sits alone, in the dark,
And hears the singing of the lark,
Signifying dawn.
The old man smiles,
The mountain keeps,
It's secrets dark and secrets deep
'Nother night to plague the sleep
Of other men, not he.




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Wow.

I really liked this, apart from the second stanza doesn't quite fit in rhythm with the rest of it. The last line of the third stanza doesn't fit either. There are some other bits too where it's not quite right...maybe go over and look carefully at this.

And I can't shake the feeling that some of it sounds a tiny bit like the last verse of 'Stopping by the Woods' on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost.

I like the repetition and the simplicity of it though.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. ~Flannery O'Connor




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I know what you mean about the third stanza, that line didn't quite sit with me either. And I promise, this is an completely original work :)
Religion is the opium of the masses
- Karl Marx -
Democracy is the worst form of goverment, except for all the others that have been tried.
- Winston Churchill -




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The conflict in this poem is all about the secrets that the mountain keeps. Unfortunately, it seems like you don't give us a hint about the secrets, instead talking about an old man who seems perfectly content with life. You try to connect the two in the last stanza by saying the old man doesn't worry, but it seems very contrived. I think it would be more interesting if the man had a role to play in the secret, and that's why he was happily playing his pipe instead of worrying about survival.

So basically, connect the conflicts more and it'll be pretty. ^_^

Good luck!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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