My heart is yours

My heart, silently beating
Cries out to you.
My love, strong and true
Forever faithful,
I’ll be to you.

My world, on and on it spins.
Round’ and round’
Like a mary-go-round that never ends.

How long do you say,
I'd reach out for you?
Forever and eternity
It will always be true.

When I'm with you
I soar through the air.
Flying higher and higher,
Till there's no more sky

As day whipers on,
Leaving no room to breathe.
My love for you will grow,
Like the never ending sea.

And when the day fades and all goes to night,
My love for you will shine with all of its might.

My heart, silently beating.
cries out to you.
My love, strong and true This line is kind of random. What about your love strong and true? It's not connected with the rest of the lines in this verse.
Forever faithful I took out the comma
I’ll be to you.

My world, on and on it spins.
Round’ and round’
Like a merry-go-round that never ends.


This was good, short, simple, straightforward and sweet. I especially like the last verse. At first I couldn't really see how it has anything to do with the rest of it, but I think I get it. I think you do need more pictures, more imagery, like you have in the last verse. The first verse is almost too straightforward.
Apart from that, good job!


*adna*

I think the only thing that threw me off was the space between the two stanzas. It didn't think it was really necessary...but then again, who am I to say anything? The poem's a fine piece.

thanks i wrote it for someone special.....you knwo who you are..hehehe

everything of yours that i read is great. this is perfect.

That was beautiful. It touched me. You're making me cry. . I need a moment.

this really was a beautiful piece of work. i think whoever this is for is a very lucky person if you feel this strongly for them. keep up the great work and i think he will, too.

Its a good poem, fix the typos and it will be great. I like your merry-go-round metaphore

corey mcdermith wrote:this really was a beautiful piece of work. i think whoever this is for is a very lucky person if you feel this strongly for them. keep up the great work and i think he will, too.

thank you.

It needs something else. In the greatest love stories of all time, there is always conflict that separates the lover from the loved one by some way. There seems to be no conflict here though, which makes the whole poem seem unromantic. They're just words.

How far would you go for this love? Maybe by answering that question, you'll deepen the poem and add more conflict, making the conclusion stronger and thus making the poem more complete.

Hope that helps!

Whats up girl? I liked the poem (tear) . Great work. I miss my boyfriend!

i added another stanza, hope you like it.

and when the day fades adn all goes to night, my love for you will shine with all of its might.

awww thank you....can i add that?

I have a question for you: What was the purpose of this love poem? If it was just supposed to be for your boyfriend, a cute note in his locker or something, then you did a great job. If, on the other hand, you were trying to create an interesting poem that other people would enjoy as well, this doesn't cut the mustard.

Love is a fairly common subject, because everyone's experienced it in one form or another. However, it's very difficult to write about without resorting to cliches and vague expressions of desire. If you want to take this a step further, you need to go a lot deeper. Why do you love the subject? Is it looks? Personality? Something else? I'm guessing it's some combination of the above. Show us what he's like when you're together. Show us what you're like when you're with him. Show us this love instead of just saying you love him.

Keep writing!