Prologue to Jesmal

A young boy moved slowly up the rocky hillside, stumbling occasionally under his small burden. His father looked down from the crest of the hill, down past his boy to the valley below. His gaze was wistful, sorry that he was in this situation, sorry that his son had been dragged into it.
His son joined him, then also turned back to look upon the only home he had ever known. “Will we ever come back Father?” he asked innocently, looking up into his sire’s weathered face.
“I don’t know. I just don’t know” he turned and suddenly realized the sun was almost showing above the far horizon. “Come we must go. They mustn’t find us here.” And with that they quickly made their way down the slope and into the dense forest at its base.

“Will we ever come back Father?” he asked innocently, looking up into his sire’s weathered face.

Comma would be good after "back". And "he" should be capitalized.

“I don’t know. I just don’t know” he turned and suddenly realized the sun was almost showing above the far horizon. “Come we must go. They mustn’t find us here.

Would be better as something like: “I don’t know. I just don’t know,” His father answered heavily. He turned and suddenly realized the sun was almost showing above the far horizon. “Come, we must go. They mustn’t find us here."


I felt that this was too short. We were not given nearly enough to form an opinion on the plot, or characters, or even the setting. What you do have isn't bad, but if there were more that would be better.

Interesting beginning! You should make it longer because right now it's really sweet in a demented way, which I really like. I like the boy and his father and the hopelessness that the father feels, etc. I just wish that it was more in depth and you continued on more.

So add on to it!

Well.... I don't have much to say. It was too short for me to make much of a critique, but from what I read, I can tell you that you did a great job so far. I'm interested and will await the wrest.

Yes, very, very short. If it is this short, are you sure that your story needs a prologue at all? I mean, we didn't get very much information at all and what you have here (a boy and father leaving their home, probably never to return) could be integrated somewhere else.

~GryphonFledgling