Untitled

That first night, I took a risk.
I went to that place, warily,
seeking, not knowing what I'd find.
But you found me.
What could I do? Hide?
I did.
There was nothing I could do.
My heart was exposed. Shattered.
You also took my soul.
Only I didn't know you were working on it.
I felt lost. A stranger.
They no longer knew me.
He even saw me.
The words I wanted to say will never come.
I was weak. Fragile.
And you broke me.

Hey there!

Well, this was an okay poem. There are a couple of things that you lack, though. This is basically a prose written in a poem format. No. You can't do that.

Some really spectacular poems have feeling, emotions, similies and metaphores. Those are the things that the chicks dig. (exuse my bad example. XD)

My heart was exposed. Shattered.
You also took my soul.

These are the oinly words with some sort of emotion hidden behind them.

What you really need to do is get a title for this otherwise nobody will understand it. I thought it was also a bit rough for a poem.

Hello!

That first night, I took a risk.
I went to that place, warily,
seeking, not knowing what I'd find.

**This starts off confusing because I have no view of setting or who is talking and it's really bland. All I got was: that place...took a risk...didn't know what I'd find. It'd be a lot more poetic if you had imagery here and didn't make what you were trying to say so blunt. What was it that the narrator was seeking?

But you found me.
What could I do? Hide?
I did.
There was nothing I could do.

**Very very blunt. And I don't see how this matches with the first part. And if the character hid...then isn't that something to do? This should be made much clearer, I still know nothing.

My heart was exposed. Shattered.
You also took my soul.
Only I didn't know you were working on it.
I felt lost. A stranger.

**The first line is cliched. You should find a more unique way to say it. And then the second line "You also took my soul" Sounds like an after thought, like you were going on and then said "oh wait, you took my soul to." Find a better way to add that in. The third line makes no sense to me, it seems like it was just placed there. I feel like I entered someone elses feelings and they're not so willing to share or relate to me. Did you write this for yourself or for the audience? That might be what's getting to me.

They no longer knew me.
He even saw me.
The words I wanted to say will never come.
I was weak. Fragile.
And you broke me.

**I'm just...I really don't know. I don't get it, you didn't give me any information. All I got was words. I like the last two lines but I didn't get any feeling from this. Sorry.

PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!
Happy editing!
~Rieda

Hello and welcome to YWS!

First of all, you're going to want a title. Using the standard, the first line of the poem is the title, so you can change it to that, if you really have no idea what you want to call it.

Next, this is HUGELY abstract. You say that this is supposed to be based off a very personal experience, but there seems to be no experience. This is just abstract thoughts that could be thought of as cliched, so your personal touch seems to be lost on us. Since you mention being broken, I'm guessing that this is maybe a tad bit too personal for you to touch on in a poem, that the memory could be painful. Unfortunately for us writers, painful memories are what readers live on and what you have to do is suck it up and just write about it, uncensored. If you can't bear to write it all at once, write it in increments. I'm doing that with a short story at the moment--just scene by scene. When it gets done, I'm sure it'll be interesting, but for now it's too emotionally draining for me to concentrate too long on.

Whatever it is, don't be afraid to draw out more of your experiences in concrete imagery in your poems. It's your personalized touch told in concrete imagery that makes it come alive for us.