Full Bloods vs Half Breeds #1

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Lunch


A year before…

Munching. Scratching. Smacking lips in delight. I pressed my ear tighter against the wall. The noises on the other side, it sounded as if someone or something was feasting on an object.

Pulling away gently, I watched my knuckles intently as I eased myself from the cracked wall. Last thing I need is to accidentally rap them, and signal to who or whatever is on the other side - they are not alone.

I wrap my arms around my waist in an effort to shield myself from the draft in this lousy refuge. Still, even though there wasn’t a soul living in this apartment, it served as a welcoming shelter. I just wish it were June, and not early February. The nip in the air and trekking through knee-high snow isn’t exactly my goal in life. If I had it my way, I’d choose a house any day, complete with a bed and its warm covers, a pillow but not rolled up newspaper or scraps of cloth to anchor my neck. Food, oh, I crave a delicious meal! Pork, cooked eggs, a stuffed turkey like I’ve seen on TV when staring through Kohl’s window, fresh water, or maybe I might be lucky enough to sample milk. I sighed after the thought of drinking milk. I haven’t eaten a decent meal in two days.

I slipped down to my knees, and peeked under the door. It was dark. No trace of light. I sniffed, wondering if I could smell food. That might explain the weird noises I’m hearing. I sucked in a larger amount of air, than grumbled, “Darn it.”

A low growl, followed by claws scraping – against wood? I froze. My breath caught in my throat, heart quickened its pace, and oddly, the hairs on my arms and neck prickled.

“Who. Is. There?” asked a dramatic but a very irritated voice.

I didn’t answer. What fool would? I’ve lived on the streets long enough to know this: If someone is bigger, stronger, and all around nastier, keep your trap shut or… run for the nearest police station. Homeless folk generally steer clear of the Cops. Most in my area are under the influence of drugs, hooked to alcohol or both. Any person with half a brain on their shoulders can see the telltale signs of a druggy. Their eyes are usually bloodshot. Some I’ve noticed get the shakes too, like an earthquake swallowed them up whole. The druggies, I try and avoid them. Best not get on their turf, and anger them. One might pull a knife or worse… a semi-automatic.

Remaining in the same hunched position; I just kept the one eye fixed in the darkness under the closed door. No way in hell was I going to answer a cannibal!

More munching. Panting? I slid a little closer. It can’t be. The lack of food has to be playing its cruel tricks on my mind. Dogs pant, but they sure do not talk! I inhaled a gulp of air and listened as quietly as I was able. Several seconds passed, and I had no choice but to exhale. I heard a whish, as the air came pouring out. Tensing. Maybe too much noise?

Pounding. Fists punched the door, creating an echo throughout the hall.

I yelped, and backed away by using my hands to push my butt backwards. I did not stand, and run off though. I only slid back a couple feet, thoroughly curious about the entire situation. I’m homeless. All I have left is the tattered clothing on my back, and of course, my life. Not really much I have to lose if things turn for the worse, except dieing a grisly death.

“I hear you… human. I have not partaken in my meal yet. Chewing on bones grows incredibly distasteful after a day.”

I pause, trying desperately to breath in a relaxed and calm manner but the pumping of my heart and the sweat developing on the top of my forehead and under my nose were all constant reminders of fear growing steadily worse every waking minute I stay. Locked. Locked in morbid fascination.

“No?” asked the voice. It was low but it sounded strange. Surely not like any person I’ve ever heard. Scratchy and horse, it reminded me of someone with a sore throat but whoever this was, they spoke flawlessly. Not a hint of restraint either.

“Uh… I don’t have any food, sir,” I squeak so soft, even I barely heard myself ask the question.

“Ah… But you are food dear boy.” Lips smacking against each other again. “Shall I nibble on your calf first, or would you prefer a quick death?”

I wipe away sweat around my eyelids. I’ll need my full eyesight if I’m going to survive this nutcase! I still don’t run. Past experiences have taught me, if you flee from an armed druggy, you’re good as maggot chow. It hasn’t been the first time I’ve watched someone shot, and it will probably not be the last I’m forced to witness death from a distance, in fear of falling to the same fate as the victim if I too run.

“Who… Who are… ya… ya… you?”

“That would be telling,” the voice snickers cruelly.

“Are, are ya… you human?”

A thunderous crack against the frame of the door. Without a second thought I jump to my feet, and race far, far away!
Last edited by Fishr on Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
The sadness drains through me rather than skating over my skin. It travels through every cell to reach the ground. I filter it yet strangely enough, I keep what was pure and it is the dirt that leaves.




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Here we go, some history. Not quite what I was expecting, but if everything went as expected, it wouldn’t be an interesting story, would it? However, going back a full year, it feels like I’m starting this story all over again, and at the moment this feels more like the first chapter than the previous one. Only keep this order if you plan on continuing on this particular timeline. I don’t endorse jumping around the timeline. Gets confusing.

Smacking one’s lips is something I highly doubt could be heard through a door. That’s not a very loud or intense noise, especially not to be instantly recognized as such.

Pulling away gently, I watched my knuckles intently as I eased myself from the cracked wall. Last thing I need is to accidentally rap them, and signal to who or whatever is on the other side - they are not alone.


So he was leaning on the wall or door with his knuckles? Interesting choice. I’d still use my fingers.

I wrap my arms around my waist in an effort to shield myself from the draft in this lousy refuge. Still, even though there wasn’t a soul living in this apartment, it served as a welcoming shelter. I just wish it were June, and not early February. The nip in the air and trekking through knee-high snow isn’t exactly my goal in life. If I had it my way, I’d choose a house any day, complete with a bed and its warm covers, a pillow but not rolled up newspaper or scraps of cloth to anchor my neck. Food, oh, I crave a delicious meal! Pork, cooked eggs, a stuffed turkey like I’ve seen on TV when staring through Kohl’s window, fresh water, or maybe I might be lucky enough to sample milk. I sighed after the thought of drinking milk. I haven’t eaten a decent meal in two days.


Not only do I find this pretty good description, it is a snapshot of the guy’s mind. He’s something of a scatterbrain, plain and simple. He can rarely seem to keep his mind on a single topic or thought for long.

No way in hell was I going to answer a cannibal!


What gave him that idea? He goes from thinking there’s food he could eat, hears someone say, “Who. Is. There.”, and all of a sudden he thinks the “weirdo” is a cannibal. I just don’t see where the heck he made the connection.

More munching. Panting? I slid a little closer. It can’t be. The lack of food has to be playing its cruel tricks on my mind. Dogs pant, but they sure do not talk! I inhaled a gulp of air and listened as quietly as I was able. Several seconds passed, and I had no choice but to exhale. I heard a whish, as the air came pouring out. Tensing. Maybe too much noise?


I really like the flow of this paragraph, now that I have a bit better understanding of the character. By the way, you might want to find a way to get his name in here somewhere. So far, the narrative hasn’t granted you many opportunities, but maybe you should have Chance say it at least once.

I yelped, and backed away by using my hands to push my butt backwards. I did not stand, and run off though. I only slid back a couple feet, thoroughly curious about the entire situation. I’m homeless. All I have left is the tattered clothing on my back, and of course, my life. Not really much I have to lose if things turn for the worse, except dieing a grisly death.


Curious and more than a little scarred to be sure. He seems a little flippant regarding his own life. So, he doesn’t want to loose it, but he wouldn’t think it much of a tragedy if he lost it? An interesting mentality. I don’t think I’ve ever read a character quite like him. I’m intrigued.

I pause, trying desperately to breath in a relaxed and calm manner but the pumping of my heart and the sweat developing on the top of my forehead and under my nose were all constant reminders of fear growing steadily worse every waking minute I stay.


I believe this is what’s known as a run-on sentence. This could easily be two. And by the way, it’s “breathe”. Easy enough to miss the “e”. For future reference, you do seem to do things like this from time to time, using the wrong word that sounds similar. Keep an eye out for that in the future.

“No?” asked the voice. It was low but it sounded strange. Surely not like any person I’ve ever heard. Scratchy and horse, it reminded me of someone with a sore throat but whoever this was, they spoke flawlessly. Not a hint of restraint either.


Again, nice description.

“Uh… I don’t have any food, sir,” I squeak so soft, even I barely heard myself ask the question.


Not the sharpest tool in the shed, is he? I guess the “werewolf” managed to convince the MC that he knew that he was there? Earlier he’d said how he wouldn’t answer. By now, he should have put two and two together and figured out that something wasn’t right. Like I said, he seems a little slow. It's also not a question, it's a statement.

It’s a little short overall if this is a chapter, and if you go back to the present after this section, it will feel out of place. Still, character-wise, the MC is consistent and, so as far as I can tell, believable. His introduction into the world of the supernatural doesn’t seem contrived, though he sounds a little young and scatter-brained to have succeeded on the street. Then again, I know little on how the homeless make a living, but that’s just my impression. If this piece is more a flashback, then the “one year earlier” shouldn’t be there. At the moment, I want to know how this plays out, as I feel like I’m getting some answers.

I like how you’ve set up your prose and perspective so far, and the first person narrative has a really good feel to it so far. However, though the situations are interesting, I’m still a little in the dark regarding what the plot is, and hence what it is I’m reading. Try to give the reader a bone (pardon the pun) regarding the matter, or they’ll feel like there’s no point to these events. Still, you have a little time, just don’t hold it off for too long. Hope this helps, and keep at it if you still enjoy the piece.
"In a fair fight I would have killed you."
"Well that's not much insentive for me to fight fair now is it?" (PotC: TCftBP)

I'm probably dead already, but that doesn't mean I can't take a few scumbags with me. ~Jak



Y'know, sometimes a family is a mutant superhuman clown with cartoony powers, a hyperactive shapeshifter created in a lab, the ghost of an artificially created being who only exists for exposition, a cat who is an eldritch god for some reason, and an emo guy who doesn't canonically exist
— GengarIsBestBoy