My Little Secrets

Ok guys this is my lifes story. I have to get it out there somehow but I need your opinion first. I want to know what you think. everything I write down here is 100% true! EVERY word! I won't name anyone.

Dear Journal,

My name is Jennie. I have spent fifteen years on this earth and have just about seen everything from drugs to death; from happiness to despair. Poverty would probably be considered my middle name. Well journal, from now on, I'll be writing in you to tell you everything.

Journal Day 1.

Hey journal! You won't believe what happened today! Someone broke into the locker room and stole my money! I swear I don't know where these kids get the nerve to do something incredibly ridiculous! After I asked around and found out who took it, I confronted her with it and she just stood there and lied to my face! Ok here's what was said:

"Hey Mikky!" I hollered, walking up to her in the cafeteria. She didn't reply she just stood there. "Mikky!" I hollered again. This time she turned around and looked me straight in the eye.

"What?" she asked when I had reached her. She looked somewhat sad.

"Why did you do it?" I asked, trying to stay calm. That was my money that I had worked so hard for! I was not about to let some sleazy rag doll steal it from me.

"Do what?" She asked.

"Don't give me that bull crap! You know exactly what I mean." I exclaimed, getting angrier.

"No I don't." She actually looked really convincing, but then I remembered she was one of the best actresses we had at our school. I was so mad by now, I could have sworn if my friend Melissa hadn't chose that moment to walk up, I don't know what I would have done!

"Hey guys what's up?" Melissa asked. She looked between me and Mikky, noticing the tension building between us, stepped back a bit. "Is there something I missed?" She asked, a little worried.

"Yeah somethings wrong! She stole my freakin' money! I thought she was my friend. How could you do this to me? You knew I was going to use that money to buy something for my granny for her birthday!" I snapped, trying not to lose it. I figured I was, since I was yelling at my best friend.

"What!" Mikky yelled at me. "You think I stole your money? You must be completely out of your mind! You know me too well to believe I'd do something like that! I don't know where you get the nerve to even accuse me of something so ridiculous!" She suddenly stopped, tears brimming around her eyes. "That really hurt me. I thought you trusted me!" She cried as she ran off, holding her head in her hands. She wasn't even aware of everybody staring as she ran out.

Oh god, what have I done I thought to myself. She couldn't have stolen it! She's too honest a person! Oh god!

"Mikky! Mikky wait! I'm sorry" I called as I ran after her.


Ok journal, I'm going to end it here. See ya tomorrow!

Love,
Jennie


*well guys thats about it for now! please tell me what you think*

"You think I stole your money!" You must be completely out of your mind!

Since it's not the end of the quote, get rid of those marks.

"You wont believe what happened to me!" Should be "won't." Otherwise, good job.

I didn't really like it. You were supposed to be writing a journal, but it read more like a story. A poorly written story. There are a lot of mistakes, but apart from that, it's very fast. We don't get to know the characters at all.

You're having a hard time showing emotion. Give it a good edit, fix p your mistakes, maybe add some more or change some bits, and then PM me and I'll critique again. Oh, and remember not build up some suspense. Don't make it something your eyes skim over blandly.

YOU SAID ALL OF THIS WAS TRUE BUT IM YOUR SISTER AND I AINT EVER HEARD THIS STORY SO WHATS REALLY THE TRUTH?

Wait a sec... Moe, you're not really her sister are you?

Well anyways, real or not, that was some real drama girl!

I'm not much of a grammer correcter or whatever but I still want more from you! Break it down a little, make it more smooooth.

Kay?

ST

Hello, I read your story and I found three main things wrong with it. You need to flesh out your character's more, flesh out a plot, and fix up some grammar and technical rules.

*singerofthenight* wrote:"No I don't." She actually looked really convincing, but then I remembered she was one of the best actresses we had at our school. I was so mad by now, I could have sworn if my friend Melissa hadn't chose that moment to walk up, I don't know what I would have done!

Should be a comma after "no".

Also, you constantly use "ask" and "said" you should use more verbs (but not too many!) to describe how your characters are talking.

Then you need to flesh out the characters. The MC is a bit boring, no offense or anything! I don't know anything about her except some kid named Mikky stole her money. You need to tell us how she found out rather than "I found out who stole my money!" and maybe show why is it so important. I mean if someone stole my money (xD i usually only have 50 cents on me so bear with me) I would just shrug that off. It was just two quarters, but we the readers need to know was it fifty-cents and she's just a fly-off the handle type of person or was it $50 she was planning to use to buy her mom a birthday gift with it? Also why the MC can so easily believe Mikky stole her money. Is Mikky an antagonistic person who hates the MC or does the MC just dislike/is a fly-off-the-handle type of person aforementioned...?

Then there's the lack of plot. All we know is it's a girl writing in her diary about her life. How is it different than every other girl in the world? What sets her apart from everyone in the school?

Just food for thought.

----Peri

Your story needs a bit of flesh to it. You have the basic outline but it needs to be padded out with more description. Try to describe how the main character feels, what everything around her looks like, people's expressions etc. It's good but I think you could really improve it by creating a bit more imagery. There are also a few small grammar mistakes but those are easily fixed.

yes she is my sister...i know ewwww!