Part One: Shattered Love Chapter One.

This story has to do with the events that my good friend has been through. The actual events have been modified ALOT. Hope you enjoy...
shanan-cat!

He stood there, wind blowing faintly in his face, while he was positioned in a perfect place to admire the angels perfect features: deep gold blond hair prancing in the wind, shining although there was no sun; she was the sun, a vibrant angel who wandered from heaven to retrieve her long lost lover, Edward.

Edward was a young thirteen year old teen with stormy black hair. The fact that it was so shaggy was very cute in this wind, the angel thought.
When he first saw the angel, he was listening to music and almost thought that his I-pod would blow from her beauty it was so strong.
He was also a vampire, unlike the rest of his family who shapeshifters who found an interest in stealing shinny objects.

The angel floated forwards, wings white as her teeth and spread wide. She held an out stretched hand so confidently, just like the incredible smile she held on her face, and urged him to take it, so he didn't resist.

In her arms he felt warm and snug, like the days he spent close to the fire, the times when the they would sit near a beach when they were thirteen and even younger years, unlike now, fifteen year olds who were swimming in each others love.
Her white dress that she wore so beautifully was wrapping around his body in a way to almost shield him from the cool wind; around him the weather was changing: blue skies turned to black and white clouds turned to grey.

As the angel began to talk, Edward noticed how peaceful her voice sounded, like the waves at a beach on a sunny day. The two were very pleased to be there that night; for Edward, it was because he hadn't seen the angel in almost two years, and he was glad to look into her richly colored eyes and understand that everything was going to be okay. For the angel, she was pleased to know that Edward was safe and protected.

They continued talking for many more moments, chuckling to each other at their small jokes, when the angel heard the call of God, who told her she needed to be home in five minutes or severe punishments will fall upon her. So before they departed, the angel wrapped her arms around Edward's neck and slowly leaned in closer to his face until their lips melted together in a smooth kiss.

The kiss wasn't long, but not to short. When the angel released Edward, he wished that she hadn't, but that instead that their kiss continued for many more moments.


The longer they spent there, staring at each other wonderingly, the more the storm developed and became stronger.

When at last they said their farewells, Edward took four steps back and watched as the magnificent angel rose towards the sky. By the smiles on their faces, you could easily tell that they were both happy with their situations, but that was soon to change.

In the next five seconds, the quick flash of a tall black figure swoop from the left of the angel and grab her around the waist, and haul her off was all that Edward was able to see; Edward knew the scent of the attacker.

It was Mick...
* * *

Hi Phebe. You asked me to review this, so here I am.

He stood there, wind blowing faintly in his face, while he stood there admiring her perfect features: deep gold blond hair prancing in the wind, shining although there was no sun; she was the sun, a vibrant angel who wandered from heaven to retrieve her long lost lover, Edward.

This is a run-on sentence. Also, you say 'he stood there' twice. I think you should re-word this to: He stood there, wind blowing faintly in his face, admiring her perfect features. Deep gold-blond hair, shining although there was no sun -- she was the sun, a vibrant angel who had wandered from heaven to retrieve her long lost lover, Edward.

Edward was a young thirteen year old teen with stormy black hair, always listening to music, and wears cool clothes.

Firstly, this is an info-dump. And don't you think thirteen is a little young for all this?

Secondly, what do you mean 'always wears cool clothes'? No offense, but that sounds really lame. Why? Simply because different people have different ideas of what is "cool", and therefore, the adjective does not give the reader any idea of what kind of clothes he wears.

He was also a vampire.

No! That is just flat-out copying of Twilight. This will never be published if you keep it this way (I am assuming you want it published eventually), and even if it is, plagiarism fines are too much money than they're worth.

The angel floated forwards, wings white as her teeth and spread wide. She held an out stretched hand so confidently, just like the incredible smile she held on her face, and urged him to take it, so he didn't resist.

Your characters are way too perfect. Edward is "cool" and "hot", and this nameless angel is beautiful. Puh-leeze. No one wants to read about flawless, gorgeous characters.

You can have beautiful characters, but they can't be perfect too. They need flaws. See Snoink's article.

The two were very pleased to be there that night; for Edward, it was 'cause he hadn't seen the angel in almost two years, and he was glad to look into her richly colored eyes and understand that everything was going to be o.k; for the angel, she was pleased to know that Edward was safe and protected.

=_=
This is another run-on sentence.

Firstly, 'o.k' should be 'okay'.
Secondly, "'cause" sounds very out of place. This is a serious, dramatic love scene, and all of a sudden, you say 'cause?! That's okay in dialogue, but not in the actual story-telling.

You might want to re-word: The two were very pleased to be there that night. For Edward, it was because he hadn't seen the angel in two years, and was glad to look into her richly coloured eyes and understand that everything was going to be okay. For the angel, it was because she was pleased to know that Edward was safe and protected.

They continued talking for many more moments, chuckling to each other at their small jokes, when the angel heard the call of God, who told her she needed to be home in five minutes or severe punishments will fall upon her.

What do you mean, they continued talking? They weren't talking in the first place.

And... about the "call of God": *barf*
I'm sorry, but I really hate that idea. It seems to comical and lame to be in such a melodramatic story.

If you insist on keeping that idea, you should elaborate more on it: how did "the call of God" sound?

The kiss wasn't long, but not to short.

'to' should be 'too'.

When the angel released Edward, he wished that she hadn't, but that instead that their kiss continued for many more moments.

That end bit should be: but instead that their kiss would continue for many more moments.

The longer they spent there, starring at each other wonderingly, the more the storm developed and became stronger.

'starring' should be 'staring'.

In the next five seconds, the quick flash of a tall black figure swoop from the left of the angel and grab her around the waist, and haul her off was all that Edward was able to see; Edward knew the scent of the attacker.

Firstly, this is so cliché. How many fantasies/romances have you read where a tall, dark figure is the bad guy? I think you could be more original...

Secondly, this is riddled with tense mistakes. It should be: In the next few seconds, the quick flash of a tall black figure swooped down from the left of the angel and grabbed her around the waist. He hauled her off and that was all that Edward was able to see, but he knew the scent of the attacker.

It was Mick...
* * *

Who exactly is Mick?!

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No offense, but this is lame. Good descriptions? No. Good grammar? No. Good plot? No. Originality? No. Substance? Double no.

I hope you rewrite this, shanan. If you do, PM me and I'll give you a second review dealing with matters such as characterization, plot, and substance. But for now, I'll deal with the basics.

You really ought to check out the Mary-Sue litmus test. Because so far, your characters are un-developed, uninteresting, clichéd, and flawless. Do they have any strengths and weaknesses? First impressions are important in a story, and so far, I get the impression that your charries are Mary-Sues.

Also, you have a lot of grammar mistakes. Here's an article on commas and semicolons, since you seem to confuse the two quite a bit.

There's no dialogue in this. (No emotion either, but that will be discussed when you post a revised edition/edit. If you are planning on doing that, and I really hope you are.)
We don't even know the angel's name. Dialogue might be a good way to reveal it, too.
You mention that they were talking and chuckling. What were they talking about?

Anyways. I'll save the rest for your rewrite (if you're planning on doing a rewrite). Overall, this is bad writing. The quality of your prose and your ideas do not interest me, mainly because of clichés.

Until your rewrite,
Camille

Hah! My last needed review of the day. *triumphant*

Quick and totally unrelated pet peeve -- a lot is two words.

Aagh! Your intro is an info dump. The angel reference was brilliant and poetic, but you killed it with the "THIS IS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE THE END" type stuff. Yeah. It's kind of boring. Mix in description with action. ^^

it was 'cause he hadn't seen the angel in almost two years,

The omission of "be" in "because" kills your tone. I'd put the extra two letters in, just to keep readers on par with your confidence and authority.

understand that everything was going to be o.k;

Same case here, spell out "okay."

The longer they spent there, starring at each other wonderingly,

Staring*

Hm. Interesting. I wonder where you're going with this. It's for the most part well-written (isn't everything), but I am interested to see what's going to happen next. Keep me posted.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

I thought this was o.k but it needs work. Everything I was going to say is right above me. And I've never read [i]Twilight, so alls good her about copyright stuff or whatever. But if what Wolf says here is true you've sure got a lot of work ahead of you.

Good Luck,

ST