Hell

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Serenity… Absolute stillness of all concerning matter. This perfect arrest of movement was conceived in a portion of a second, a very crucial second, in which an obvious mistake was made. Was I dead? It seemed that I was not; my soul felt no detention, for there was a vast spacious valley of pure and perfect white beheld in my eyes. Had I perhaps swooned and been made unconscious? No. This was all very real. I could feel with the tips of my fingers my face. This was no sleep induced vision, though highly peculiar. Eerie that in one blink of my eyes, the white valley could be brought before me in a mind-boggling manner, no doubt. But, no dream was this. Although, by my spectacle it was as close as one got to dream whilst remaining conscious. Neither sound passed by me, nor any sort of movement detectable.

In any instance of absolute uncertainty of the retention of ones own senses, one tests this sense in any easily accessible way possible. My thought was that I had become deaf, so in test of this hypothesis, a certain nonthreatening muttering of the word “hello.” At this point an event happened that I had never forthright experienced. The oddity of it caused my mind to un-focus in swooning. At the utterance of the word, an immediate audible recognition was not made by my ears. Instead, the vocalization took a substantially lengthier amount of time to reach my ears, as if some one had called to me. I looked about and saw not one movement in the landscape; which, it seemed was an endless desert of perfect white. In retrying my previous test I found the result to be in almost every way the same except for this time, even though my projection was the exact same as the former, the way in which it reached my ears was differing in that I heard it to be twice as loud and in the same multiple long. By which I mean that the time in which it reached my ears was doubled. A not to be made of this is that, although my experience in this matter has until now been nil, I could tell when my vocalization was reaching my ear, as both times I anticipated it with precision. The seconds before it reached my ears, being roughly two the first and four the second, I could sense it’s rapid movement toward me, like I felt the sound waves advancement. This anticipation was not differing from the first or second test, as it seemed to remain constant.

That is what I have so far. It's just the beginning and I have a lot of ideas for it. Would anyone like to hear more? It only gets better, ha ha.
Last edited by Ka Seven on Sun Feb 10, 2008 11:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities" -Voltaire




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Well... where's the story part in it? You at least got to get to the story. :P
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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I have a few problems with your story:
1. there's no stiry line (like snoink said)
2. THERE ARE NO PARAGRAPHS. why? (hehehehehehehe!) :lol:

you really need to rewrite this or add something to make it more interesting and have more of a meaning. Also you need to have paragraphs. Very essential.
Other than that it was very good! rewrite then maybe you can PM me and I can do another review, understand?
K, bye
shanan-cat!
"Laugh like no one can hear you, dance like no one is watching, and love like you're going to doe tomorrow." --Unknown




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I don't dislike it, it jsut feels as though a million words are cramped together, adn that you used a theasrus for every other word lol! :-D

Make sure you know what you are doing if you continue, I am not sure about a plot here.

Keep Writing!

~D'Aedomir~
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue

Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.




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being roughly [s]2[/s] two the first and [s]4[/s] four the second
Numbers are distracting. Up until the number thirteen, it's correct to spell them out.

I liked it. Though you haven't given much away yet, I like the description. It has an odd, alien feel to it. I would indeed like to read more. So long as it isn't all like this. It's fine to be enigmatic and long-winded sometimes, but yeah. You do need to establish the story a bit. I'm seeing this more like a prologue to draw us in.

I felt the sound waves advancement.
I'm thinking there should be an apostrophe after the 'waves' as it's possessive.

I'm not completely sure what to make of this, please keep writing.

Also, proper spacing!



That smells like the inside of a tropical rainforest.
— Yoshikrab's friend