Butterknife

Hi. I got a butterknife for my birthday.

It was wrapped in green paper. Green is my favourite colour, aside from red and yellow and blue. I think I like it because it is very pretty.

I love my birthday. My parents give me a present. It is funny because they always get me what I want the most and I don't even tell them. My friend Clarence thinks that is the most magikel thing he ever heard. I think he's silly.

I opened that present right up. The knife fell in my lap and my eyes got big and I said "oh my goodness."

Let me list the reasons why I love my new butterknife.

1. It is the shiniest thing you ever seen.
2. It is metal and smooth and cool when I touch it.
3. It is a mirror.
4. I can spread butter and jelly and peanut butter and may-o-naze and also even catchup if I wanted to but not musterd because musterd is icky.

I have eaten many sandwiches already. Do you know how I made those sandwiches? I made them with my very own butterknife.

One time I dropped my butterknife on the floor. It got dirty and I got mad and angry and sad and scolded him, "no no butterknife! Do not jump on that gross floor. Do not even think about it again because you cannot resist the timtayshun." I washed old butterknife and he was clean again and he's never flopped on that floor ever again.

I take my butterknife to school every single day. Sometimes the dum kids make fun of us but I say "don't even laugh or my butterknife will cut you right up inta ribb'n pieces." I got in trouble for that once. The teacher said, "that is unakseptibble." I forget what she said after because I wanted to go play outside so I just nodded my head and waited. But those mean kids still pick on butterknife. I think maybe they are jealous. I bet none of them have no butterknife because they are too poor or their parents don't love them.

I have a dog named Gerald. He's the cutest thing I ever seen except for butterknife. We play fetch every day in the backyard and we used to use a frizbee. But now we use butterknife. I toss old butterknife high in the air and Gerald catches him and brings him back to me good as new except slobbry. Gerald loves butterknife almost as much as I do.

When I go to bed my mom reads me and butterknife and Gerald a story. I love the stories but sometimes butterknife says he hates them and gets mad but I calm him down and tell him "don't intruppt." He needs to learn better manners. But I have been teaching him.

Sometimes I think people should be more like butterknifes. I think I would like people more if they helped me make sandwiches and were mirrory and shiny and fun. Once I told Clarence that and he made the crazy sign at me. I think Clarence can be a real bad infloonse on butterknife and maybe that's why butterknife has bad manners.

I want to tell you butterknife's best talent of all, his singing. It is like angels have filled the room and are a-korrussing and it sounds byootiful. I tell butterknife he will go very far but he is modest. Still I try and 'vince him of his talents. I think... maybe he will sing in moosicals.

Well that is all I have to say about butterknife. Me and him and Gerald are going to the park today and we're gonna play and run and swing and slide. So maybe I will tell you more about him later when I made his manners good and maybe you can hear his singin and maybe even see a bit of dancin because he dances as well cause he is special.

I love my butterknife.

*Giggles* silly prok this was one of the most pointless peices of work I've ever seen.

But it made me giggle and I liked it. It sounded like a four year old wrote it.

I'm going to start carrying around a butter knife from one of my tea-sets.

Ah!
I love this! Its so creative, random and Edward scissor hand style
Nice work!
I only have one suggestion

I bet none of them have no butterknife because they are too poor or their parents don't love them.

It should be like this:
I bet none of them have a butterknife, because they are too poor or their parents don't love them.

There where a few spelling mistakes. They are simple just read it over and you will find them!

Good job,
Genevieve


PS
Your 73 years old? I mean there is nothing wrong with that if you are but... aren't you a bit old for the site?

Haha, thanks guys.

Alice: "it sounded like a four year old wrote it" -- that was intentional; glad that came across. ^_^

Gwenevire: The spelling and grammar errors were intentional: the writer is supposed to be young. =) And no, I'm not 73. XD

Thanks again!

Prokaryote

This was interesting, but at the end I was left with a definite sense of, "Okay... so what?" Maybe I just have no sense of humor. xP

The knife fell in my lap and my eyes got big and I said "oh my goodness."

This should be: The knife fell in my lap and my eyes got big and I said, "Oh my goodness."

The list of reasons is funny, but I think it's too much of a contrast. You could keep it, but change the format so it isn't in list form. If you don't want to do that, though, you could double space the paragraphs and it would look nicer.

I have a dog named Gerald. He's the cutest thing I ever seen except for butterknife.

This made me laugh.

I love the stories but sometimes butterknife says he hates them and gets mad but I calm him down and tell him "don't intruppt."

This should be: I love the stories but sometimes butterknife says he hates them and gets mad but I calm him down and tell him, "Don't intruppt."

The further along into this, the more intentional spelling errors there are. Is that on purpose? I like them, by the way. They're very cute, and do make it sound like a preschooler is dictating.

Out of curiosity, what inspired this?

Meh.

1) Your misspellings suck. I don't care whether this is written in the view of a four-year-old--not many parents would give a four-year-old a butter knife in the first place.

2) Just for more confirmation, read this: http://www.cyc-net.org/cyc-online/cycol ... onnor.html

3) Above is a funny story. Here are some rather unfunny stories, with the narrators being fairly young: http://www.ralphmag.org/spacepoemsI.html

4) Also, you need to read a bunch Calvin and Hobbes comics. Those are funny and present childhood in a lovely, fairly true way. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go here: http://progressiveboink.com/archive/calvinhobbes.htm

5) This should show you that skillful writers use different word choice and word play to make their children characters become alive. They don't have to deliberately misspell things or make things sound stupid, "because that's what children do." They simply took aspects from their childhood and used it to their advantage and created a childhood that was real.

6) Completely random, pointless works are rarely interesting except for the, "Look at how silly I can make something!" factor. Which is akin to navel-gazing. Stop it.

Hope that helps...

Snoink wrote:not many parents would give a four-year-old a butter knife in the first place.

Really? You're telling me parents wouldn't give a small child an object they could hurt themselves with? You're saying a kid couldn't go to school with a knife and not have every cop in the police department swarm the building? You're saying a kid's parents wouldn't let their child play fetch with their dog with a butterknife?

No. Way. XD

Jenna: Yeah, they're intentional, though I wasn't going to have them at first, which may explain why Snoink thinks they're sucky. As to what inspired this, I just had to write a story about a butterknife. :/

Thanks guys!

Prok

Er... yes. I'm going through your Oddities in your portfolio, because they are just too good.

I disagree with Snoink. I love this story, because it's so... innocent, I guess. Have you ever read the books, "Junie B. Jones"? She has spelling mistakes in there too, because a child seemingly wrote it. That's what people don't seem to understand.

I like this. I was tempted, earlier today, to write a romance between a child and a pile of dirt. It didn't work. But this is exactly the sort of thing that I would love to write. And read, too. It's so perfect.

I wish I could find a fault... let me check.

1. It is the shiniest thing you ever seen.
2. It is metal and smooth and cool when I touch it.
3. It is a mirror.
4. I can spread butter and jelly and peanut butter and may-o-naze and also even catchup if I wanted to but not musterd because musterd is icky.

My mouse if making me mad... it keeps sticking. Anyway, this isn't a fault, rather than a OMGILOVETHISPART. It's so perfect! A child would certainly do something like this. Heck, I used to do this.

Keep 'em coming.

-Jared

LOL!
utter brilliance
It was a four year old/MyteriousIncidentOfTheDogInTheNightTime-esque
xxx

I was totally waiting for some sadistic second chapter where he grows up and becomes a cutter or something. Or maybe stabs those mean kids in his school. I'm a horrible person.

Anyway, this was cute...in a very weird way. You totally made the misspellings work.