The Beach

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This is part of the book I'm writing, but this part stands on its own so I thought I'd post it here to get some criticism. The novel itself is actually science-fiction, even though you wouldn't be able to tell it from this chapter.

Jayden wasn’t supposed to go out to the beach this early in the morning, especially before his parents were up, so he quietly slid the glass door shut and put his sneakers on outside. Even though it was mid-April, it was still cold outside so he bundled himself up in a black fleece, but, because he was still wearing shorts, he still shivered involuntarily against the strong breeze.

Afraid that somehow someone would hear him if he ran down the ramp, he took each step gingerly, always worried that at that moment he would hear his mother or father shouting at him to come back in then scold him for trying to go to the beach at 6 a.m. Yet, this was not the first time he had done this.

He enjoyed walking on the beach by himself in the early morning; there was something special about it that made him feel as if he was the only one left in the world. Sometimes he imagined that he was the lone survivor of a nuclear war, or that the beach was his secret lair from which he conducting operations against enemy forces that had captured the United States.
Today, though, he just felt like walking.

Located of the coast of North Carolina, the outer banks form a long chain of barrier islands that protect the state from Hurricanes, so all along the outer banks stand large imposing dunes that one isn’t allowed to walk on, but make great forts all the same. Sometimes in the early morning, Jayden would burrow a small rounded hole in the top a dune and pretended that it was a foxhole and he was waiting for the ships of the enemy to come over the horizon. Once he let his imagination go a little bit too far and began pretending to shoot at people as they walked past. His mother, of course, scolded him.

That was why he liked being out here on the beach alone each morning; no one to tell him he couldn’t do this or he couldn’t try eating that. No one would tell him to be careful as he rushed in and out of crashing waves, and no one to prod him with incessant questioning about what this meant or what that meant.

In truth, he always felt alone and being in a place where he truly was alone made him feel a lot better. It gave him a thrill, but he also felt comfortable here in a way that he could not be anywhere else. It simply felt good to be by himself before dawn’s first light in a place so big, but yet so empty.

Once he got down to the beach, he took of his sneakers, exposing his tanned feet, and placed them underneath the ramp. Someone had told him once that he was the quintessential beach boy; brown hair now made blond from the many hours in the sun, a tan that extended to all parts of the body, and blue eyes that mirrored the ocean and the sky. But unlike most boys, even at his age, in Kitty Hawk, he did not know how to surf. Instead, he just liked rushing in and out of waves or collecting seashells. It was fun and it was something he could do without other people bothering him.

The sky right now was dimly lit and the sun had not yet risen, although he could tell that it was only a few minutes from doing so for a few rays were already breaking over the horizon. The way the light shone at this time of day made it all the more seem like he was the only person left in the world.

In each of his dreams, he was always the most important person in the world, always the guy that saved humanity from disaster. He would replay these dreams, ambitions really, over and over until he had an entire storyline, complete with dialogue, to go with it. At the end of each one, he married a gorgeous woman and lived happily ever after.

A few minutes passed, and when the sun did not come out, he looked back out over the waves and saw a storm coming in; he could even make out flashes of lightning, though it was still at least twenty miles away. He frowned at the prospect of having to spend the entire day indoors with his parents.

He spent another few minutes thinking about why it always seemed to storm on Saturdays before tugging on his sneakers and making his way back toward the house after he noticed that the storm was coming in fast and making the waves a lot higher than normal. By the time he left, the surge was already coming up against the ramp and the storm was no more than ten minutes away. This time he looked at the dunes and thought of them as a long wall built long ago to protect the inhabitants of the island from storms such as this.

He reached the house just in time for just as he slid the glass door shut, his mother came out of the bedroom with her robe and slippers on. She looked groggy and tired, but it didn’t stop her from questioning why he had sneakers and a jacket on.

Jayden quickly decide to pretend as if he was just going to go outside.

“No way, not in this weather,” his mother said. “There’s a storm coming in and I don’t want you getting sucked away in the surge.”

He pretended to be dismayed and meekly said, “Okay.”

If she was a bit surprised by his sudden acceptance, she did not show it, instead resolving to make herself a cup of coffee.

Meanwhile, Jayden threw himself on the couch and picked up a copy of the Iliad by Homer that he had bought at the local bookstore, one of the few stores that stayed opened at this time of year.

He was just now on the part where Achilles was challenging Hector to a fight. He read each line eagerly as the two clashed swords before the high walls of Troy. At last, Achilles scored a fatal blow against Hector, and Jayden whooped with joy. But his joy vanished when it gave way to disgust as he read about Achilles tying the limp body of Hector to the back of a chariot and then dragging him around the city of Troy. He quickly closed the book and decided to read more later.

Abruptly, he said, “Do you think heckler comes from Hector?”

His mother shrugged. “Could be. Sure, why not?” She never looked up from the newspaper in front of hair.

Jayden grunted but let it at that. He thought that it was a brilliant deduction, but felt crushed when his mother did not so much as look at him.

Outside, the storm was already well underway. Outside he could see the fence along the dunes tremble in the strong wind and shutters flapping loudly against the sides of houses.

“When is it supposed to be over?”

“In about two weeks.”

“What!?” he screamed.

She looked up, startled. “Huh? Oh, uh, it should be over by 9 they said. Just a quick storm blowing in from the Bahamas.”

He hoped it was quick; it looked like it was going to take a couple houses with it if it lasted just a few more hours.




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You're right, you can't tell this is sci-fi. It's great, one spelling error that I did pick up on, was blond, it is spelt blonde (or does that differ for certain countries?)

Anywho, sounds great, and you have already gotten me wanting more, help, i'm addicted!
Cause i'm a one man,
I'm a one man,
I'm a one man,
I'm a one man revolution.




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I'd say this is a pretty decent start. Definitely creates a lot of curiosity about what will happen next. However, I thought there were a few things you could have done more with. Like why he is different from the other kids. Usually kids don't become like that for no reason. I also would have liked more audio/visual details to get a good idea of what this place is like, and how I might feel if I were there. Because I was just imagining a real cottage that I'd been to rather than a place that's totally new to me. It also just feels that much more real for me if I know that the author knows how everything looks and sounds.

Anyway, good start. I look forward to reading more of this.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"




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I loved it, really, it was a great start and I'd love to see more.

He enjoyed walking on the beach by himself in the early morning; there was something special about it that made him feel as if he was the only one left in the world. Sometimes he imagined that he was the lone survivor of a nuclear war, or that the beach was his secret lair from which he conducting operations against enemy forces that had captured the United States.
Today, though, he just felt like walking.


This paragraph rocks. I love it! Great job, Nate.




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Being that it's been seven months since you posted this chapter... you may have completely restructured or even eliminated it. I hate to pick through l-o-n-g selections, so here are just a few of my first thoughts.

Even though it was mid-April, it was still cold outside so he bundled himself up in a black fleece, but, because he was still wearing shorts, he still shivered involuntarily against the strong breeze.
Okay, you used still three times in this long sentence. :-s

I understand the first nine (or so) paragraphs are giving background, but I thought it was a little drug out... about the fifth one I was ready to get on with the story.

End of the sixth: but yet should be but, yet, or and yet.

After reading the entire selection, I was still wondering about Jayden's age. Of course, the preceding chapter(s) may lay the necessary groundwork not provided here.

It ended rather abruptly. A more rounded conclusion of this chapter would be good.

You may have finished, or nearly finished, the book by now. I would definitely be interested in reading more! It sounds like it could go somewhere!!!

Very good :)




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Seems like everything that I have posted is being resurrected :D

I actually forget about this one; probably a few days after I posted it. I tend to do that.

Thanks for the critique all, and thanks Amice for yours!




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if hes already outside why did he pull a fleece out of nowhere and put it one, lack of minor detail there may i suggest making a sentace lik ' because it was so cold in mid april he grabbed a fllece form the hook behind the door.'.....'back in ( add comma ) then scold'.......'from Hurricanes ( add period - delete comma ) So along'...........'crashing waves, ( delete 'and' ) noone (one word) to prod'........felt comfortably ( do you mean 'a level of comfort' ? ).......... a very nice description of your character........'his age (delete comma) in kitty hawk'.........'The sky right now was dimly lit and the sun had not yet risen, although he could tell that it was only a few minutes from doing so for a few rays were already breaking over the horizon.' (revise sentance)......'all the more seem' ('seem all the more').........'come out (delete comma) he looked'....... 'house (add period - delete 'after' - add the word Later ) he noticed'.........'quickly decide(+d) to pretend'.........show it (add 'though'), instead'.........'few stores ( revise to stories) that stayed'........ in front of hair (revise to her).............Good Very good....i like it you foollowed the quot "simplicity in detail, send this to a publisher after these corrections its ready for a short story anthology, plus that would help you later if you decide to get something more serious published....if you want i can hook you up with an editor... she has helped me greatly in the past when i published some of my peoms......let me know what you want to do untill then review is now over, thus has begun "THE BEGINNING OF THE ENDING"
I do not want the first pithy lines that pop into your head. I'm not interested in that. I want plot, real characters, sharp dialogue. Plan, dream, live your story, then write it. Novel writing is not for the impulsive. ~Kitty15



And on the pedestal these words appear:/'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings;/Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'/Nothing beside remains.
— Percy Bysshe Shelley