What We Are (title change?)

Fear is a charcoal bird
Locked in an open cage
Hope is more than a whispered word
It is a sage

Pride is not power
But the blade that takes it down
Beauty is trapped in a distant tower
And we are not graced by her crown

Hate is that twilight
You glimpse in an eye
That flicker of knowing before the night
That crushed-on-the-inside sigh

And love is a reason why.
Why we live, and why we die.

Wow, that was very pretty!

That flicker of knowing before the night
That crushed-on-the-inside sigh

The last line there is a little wordy... but I'm no poetry expert, so unfortunately, I have no suggestions to fix it. >.>

Anyways. This is simple but complex at the same time... I like the effect. =)

Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. But I can only give decent reviews on bad poetry.

Cheers,
Camille

Hello Idering--

I think I have told you this before, but just incase I haven't I'll repeat myself:

You have to have punctuation in a poem like this. Without it you read the entire poem in one breath. It's especially odd when one stanza has punctuation but none of the others do.

Consider this revision with punctuation:

Fear is a charcoal bird
Locked in an open cage.
Hope is more than a whispered word;
It is a sage.

Pride is not power,
But the blade that takes it down. [<this line does not make sense with the previous]
Beauty is trapped in a distant tower;
[s]And [/s]we are not graced by her crown.

Hate is that twilight [< "that" is awkward here]
You glimpse in an eye. [< also awkward with the first line here]
That flicker of knowing before the night,
That crushed-on-the-inside sigh. [<^ This entire stanza is very awkward, consider a more direct reword]

[s]And [/s]Love is a reason why.
Why we live, and why we die.

I have a hard time really critiquing this because I really get thrown off without having punctuation. Really, it needs to be added.

Good luck.

Ayra- thanks for the comment! You're right about the line being wordy, I noticed that too but I couldn't find a better way to get across what i wanted to say.

Via- you haven't told me before about punctuation, but you are right, it is needed. Thanks!

Pride is not power,
But the blade that takes it down. [<this line does not make sense with the previous]
Beauty is trapped in a distant tower;
And we are not graced by her crown.

I'm not sure what you mean by the second line not making sense with the first. What I'm trying to say is that pride causes the downfall of power.

Hate is that twilight [< "that" is awkward here]
You glimpse in an eye. [< also awkward with the first line here]
That flicker of knowing before the night,
That crushed-on-the-inside sigh. [<^ This entire stanza is very awkward, consider a more direct reword]

I suppose on the first line I could say "Hate is a twilight"
What I meant to say with the first two lines is this:
"Hate is that twilight" (twilight being the time before nightfall, or here, the time before something bad is about to happen.)
"You glimpse in an eye" (You know when someone looks at someone else and you just see that flash of hate in their eyes?)
"That crushed-on-the-inside sigh." Here I was trying to find a way to describe (probably inaccurately) the feeling you get when you see that look.
Well, thanks for the suggestions anyway. I guess my problem with poetry is that of course I know what i mean when I write, but I don't stop to think and make sure that others will understand as well.

Thank you both for the comments!

I agree with Ayra; this was sweet. Your first line is especially vivid and gripping. Very profound, too, a metaphor for how fear is self-induced and you can fly out of the cage at any time. So that was nice.

The rest wasn't as vivid, and your rhyme scheme is iffy. It seems like you go all over the place, so try to stick to a theme--maybe have the bird carry through the poem, like how it flies through the hateful twilight. I dunno, just something to make it cohesive.

I liked the concluding couplet, but it didn't fit the rest. Suddenly it's a love poem? Also, it sounds more like song lyrics than poetry. But that's it. Overall, great job. Easy to read. Very nice.

Thanks for commenting! I know what you mean about the rhymes and sounding like song lyrics, but its a sonnet, which has a specific format, so I can't really change it. I might be able to find some way to have the bird carry on throughout... I like that idea. Thanks!

[quote="1dering at stars"]Fear is a charcoal bird
Locked in an open cage
Hope is more than a whispered word
It is a sage

Pride is not power
But the blade that takes it down
Beauty is trapped in a distant tower
And we are not graced by her crown On this sentence to take out And. Just leave it as "We are not graced by her crown.

Hate is that twilight
You glimpse in an eye
That flicker of knowing before the night
That crushed-on-the-inside sigh

And love is a reason why. Same thing with this one. It is not the proper way of starting a sentence with And.
But the poem is well written and organized I must Say.

Hoped I helped. Good luck. Gothgirl01







Why we live, and why we die.[/quote]

Actually, you can start a sentence with 'and'.
I find it can be very powerful is used correctly, and in this case, it is. Some people use it for style, others because they can't think of anything else. In this case, it was very stylish. So kudos.

I suppose on the first line I could say "Hate is a twilight"

Maybe you could say "Hate is the twilight"?

Cheers,
Camille

Ayra-Oh! Why didn't I think of 'the'?" Thank you!

Gothgirl- Thanks for commenting. And as Ayra said, i do use 'and' as a style. I sometimes use it too much actually, but here i think I did all right.

Thanks for comments everyone!

I like this. Its very interesting it makes me think of a lot of things. (thats a good thing )
I think you should add more texture to it. Right now it seems like a little scrap of the surface to a new world to an adventure to something deep. Now all you have to do is dig in!

Why we live, and why we die.

Love this bit!

Keep going,
Genevieve

Hi Stars. I like this poem, you have great rhymes and powerful words. I think you put a lot of emotion into it. The only thing I see is that you need some full stops and commas.


Besides the commas and periods, this is a perfect poem with lots of emotion and great rhymes, good job.


Firearris

Oh geez, I loved this poem! It was so... depressing. It was great and no, you shouldn't change the name it fits perfectly. Nice job, good luck and keep writing.

Oooo! This is pretty! I would get rid of the title and put the first line as the title of the poem instead. It's just SO AWESOME. You know what I mean?

Fear is a charcoal bird
Locked in an open cage
Hope is more than a whispered word
It is a sage <--- I sort of want another syllable here.

Pride is not power
But the blade that takes it down <--- Slightly cliched, but I liked it here, so yay!
Beauty is trapped in a distant tower
And we are not graced by her crown <--- Uh, these two lines I sort of want to stab repeatedly. No offense, but they seem like you're trying too hard for the rhyming effect. Just write what you want! ^_^

Hate is that twilight
You glimpse in an eye
That flicker of knowing before the night
That crushed-on-the-inside sigh <--- Instead, "That crushed-on-inside sigh." That works, plus it sounds more poetic.

And love is a reason why.
Why we live, and why we die.

...

That is such a lame ending! I mean, you have this lovely, LOVELY poem, and then you resort to this cliche and... ahhh! No! You're too good of a writer for that! And I love you and everything, but this poem is too pretty to end on a cliche! To demonstrate: this is one of those few poems on YWS that I read the first line and thought, "ZOMG, I WANT TO READ THIS POEM NOW." It takes a lot for me to do this! So go back to your lovely lovely LOVELY imagery and come up with a metaphor for the conclusion of this. Because I know you can do it...

Tell me when/if you edit this! I want to see how it eventually turns out!

Snoink- Thanks for your suggestions!
"And we are not graced by her crown <--- Uh, these two lines I sort of want to stab repeatedly. No offense, but they seem like you're trying too hard for the rhyming effect. Just write what you want! ^_^ " This IS what i want to say!

I know what you mean about the ending... I'm not sure how to fix it. There are quite a few things I want to change but I'm not sure how. It is a sonnet so I can' really mess with the rhymes or the format. If you have any suggestions on rhymes etc... That would be great!:D Thanks again!

Insomniac- Thanks! Thats really nice.

FireArris- Thank you also. I know. I really need that punctuation. Everyone keeps saying that. I guess its time I listened!

Gwenevire- I'm not sure quite what you mean by 'more texture'. But thank you for commenting!

Hahaha, so that's why! We love forced rhyming.

And love, love is the reason why
my heart chokes back her shattered sigh.

^ There are a lot of things that rhyme with "why," so be happy! This is something I came up with the top of my head... maybe you can come up with something better. You probably can.

Beauty is sour
Wearing forth a constant frown

I don't know... just play with it! Sonnets can be fun... really...

Here: http://www.rhymezone.com/