The Awakening

a girl was seen walking through her village, things seemed to be happening. strange things. upon arriving at the only room in the whole school, and upon entering, she found an empty classroom. not even the teacher was there, but then, a random blonde haired girl burst through the wall "ah! sorry I'm late!" she said in her high-pitched voice. what a weird girl, thought Yuki. the girl giggled then looked around. "that's strange" she said "no one's here....oh wait! you! who are you?! where is everyone?! can you take me to the temple?!" she said hurriedly "were you in such a hurry that you forgot to open the door" said Yuki, exasperated. "huh? uh...yeah.." the blonde haired girl blushed, and Yuki, a girl with ice blue eyes and gray hair with a streak in the middle of her bangs that was the same ice blue as her eyes, in other words, Yuki was beautiful. "what's your name?" Yuki asked. "oh! I'm Reika!" she said. Reika's enthusiasm was bouncing of the walls, and without another words from her, she took Yuki's hand and pulled her out through the gaping hole in the wall

TO BE CONTINUED!

coming up next!

what is with the mysterious Reika?
and is there more to the calmed beauty, Yuki?
AND WHY WAS REIKA IN SUCH A HURRY THAT SHE COULDN'T USE A DOOR?!

*blink*

lol. Okay! Welcome to YWS. ^_^ I will give you the usual new member update:

1) There is a 2:1 rule when it comes to reviews and stories. This means you are expected to do 2 reviews for every 1 story you put up. And in general, they want you to do the reviews first. You call see how many reviews you've done under your avatar. Go do!

2) Spacing. Everyone will tell you to space out your paragraphs (like I've spaced out these two points) with two returns. Just so you know.

Okay, on with the critique!

There isn't enough here for me to give you a critique on your plot or your characters at the moment, so I'll just have to do grammar.

First off, capitals. You really, really, need to put capitals at the beginning of your sentences. People will bug you otherwise and think you didn't put any time into your work.

Second, spacing. In general, I think it's safe to say you should put dialog on a new line from narrative unless said narrative is part of the tag.

What a weird girl, thought Yuki. The girl giggled,[comma] then looked around. [Return!]
"That's strange,[comma]" she said.[period] "No one's here....oh wait! You! Who are you?! Where is everyone?! can you take me to the temple?!" she [s]said[/s]asked hurriedly. [return]
"Were you in such a hurry that you forgot to open the door?[question mark]" [s]said[/s]asked Yuki, exasperated.

^There. Capitals and returns included. Also, just a tip, using two different punctuation points (!?) will make people think this is more of a fanfiction/just for fun story. If it's not, stick to just one. Also, no need to give us the 'coming up next' bit. Readers are smart, they'll figure out what the questions they need answered are as they read.

Hope that helps! Best of luck.

^_^Keek!

Welcome to YWS.

This isn't peotry, of course. So use proper punctuation. I'm sure it's not news to you that the beginning of every sentence should be capalatized. I don't know whether you're trying to be original in doing this, or you're just lazy, but it needs to be done. People will appreciate it when they come to read your stuff. As is, it might just end up getting passed up. Your work is so much easier to read and understand when you use the right punctuation.

Spacing out your paragraphs would also help readers to enjoy your work. And it really won't take much time to fix this.

A lot of people will see these two things as courtesy as well. It shows that you care about your work.

Your writing is obviously very influenced by anime and manga. I can see that you have a good image of what you're writing about. The story could definetly catch my interest if it was cleaned up a bit. I thought it was cool how you told readers what was coming up, kind of like a TV series would.

There isn't a whole lot here! Don't be in such a hurry to post next time. Give the readers a little more to review. You'll get a more detailed review, I'm sure.

If you have any questions about anything I've said here, feel free to ask. I'll have no problem following up on it.


As always,

Rosethorn

As other reviewers have pointed out, you need to clean up your punctuation.

Tbh, I didn't care much for Yuki. As readers, we need to be immediately enchanted by your character so that we can empathise with them and so read on. She is very 2D at the moment. Give her some depth, motivation, personality or raison d'etre. This will add an extra dimension and so spice up your writing.

You seemed in a rush to write this piece. Use a word processor and check over what you've written for spelling and punctuation.

I didn't see the need for the "In next week's episode" teaser thing - put a cliffhanger at the end and let that speak for itself.

Not bad at all. 6/10