My heart

My heart ached as my love drifted away; he no longer cares for me, but I do for him so dearly. Our hearts once beat together, but were broken by his lies and my hatred.

He walked from me; face plain and eyes as gold as ever, full of nothing.

I lay fanned on the ground; stomach facing the sky and back pressed against the cool soil, refreshing my burning body.

Tears escaped from my eyes, and I didn't like it so became my emo self again and released my pocket knife from my pocket to slit my wrist to end life faster than it should; I didn't care wether my life ended but I knew that I couldn't go on like this; heart broken forever, the fault of my lover. I felt so messed now that my life had no more meaning than a rock upon thousands in the river, only to be washed away like all the others. My stomach ached from not eating for four days; I starved myself because I thought that I wasn't good enough, and I was right.

My wrist bleed furiously, but it wasn't enough; I wanted more. So I took my pocket knife again and slashed my arms and legs repeatedly; the pain felt promising, and my life as I know would end soon, so before it did, I said,"My heart was given to you, but you didn't approve. So here on this very night, I take it away from all, never to see it again. Never to beat again,"and with that, she stabbed herself, ending her fear and pain forever. My body went cold and my hands went numb. The last thing I saw was my love leaning over me yelling my name asking me not to leave.

A few typos but that was amazing. It probably is'nt very important but I'd like an image in my mind from the story. Most people do. The story held within much emotion I couldn't help myself but to feel sorry which is very rare for me .

Lucky!

Spacing! Spacing! Spacing!

Other than that, I liked it.

The first two sentences were my favorite. They completely grabbed my attention and were achingly beautiful.

After that, I was kind of disappointed. The last few lines had me inadvertently thinking of the final scene in Romeo and Juliet, very dramatic and overwrought. I think it would have served your story much better if you had taken a more subtle route. You don’t necessarily have to change the outcome, just add a bit more subtly in order to shadow what exactly she is doing.

Hey shanan-cat! So you're fifteen now, eh?
Nit-picks first...

Tears escaped from my eyes, and I didn't like it so became my emo self again and released my pocket knife from my pocket to slit my wrist to end life faster than it should; I didn't care wether my life ended but I knew that I couldn't go on like this; heart broken forever, the fault of my lover.

Not only is this a run-on sentence, but you have several invalid uses of the semicolon. Also, I don't like the way you said 'emo self'. That's so stereotypical and... I don't know, but you should really scratch that part.

Anyways. Instead of correcting all your mistakes here, I'll show you how it should be: Tears escaped my eyes. I didn't like it, so I became my emo self again and fished around in my pockets for my knife. I would slit my wrists to end my life faster than nature intended; I didn't care whether my life ended but I knew that I couldn't go on like this. Heart broken forever, with no reason to live anymore. All this was his fault.

I felt so messed now that my life had no more meaning than a rock upon thousands in the river, only to be washed away like all the others.

'I felt so messed'?! That sounds so wrong in contrast to the dramatic, emo voice your character had before. You could say something like, 'I felt so hollow' instead. Also, instead of saying 'a rock upon thousands in the river', it might make more sense as, 'a rock amongst thousands in the river'.

My wrist bleed furiously, but it wasn't enough; I wanted more.

You never said that you'd cut yourself... maybe you should show us that you did?

So I took my pocket knife again and slashed my arms and legs repeatedly; the pain felt promising, and my life as I know would end soon, so before it did, I said,"My heart was given to you, but you didn't approve. So here on this very night, I take it away from all, never to see it again. Never to beat again,"

'know' should be 'knew'.
Also, the dialogue was nauseating. Who actually talks like that? Seriously.

and with that, she stabbed herself, ending her fear and pain forever.

How come you suddenly switched to third person?



I'm really sorry Phebe, but...
This is bad.

It lacks originality and care; did you really think about this before you posted it? Now I'll explain why it was so bad:

Emo-ness: There's nothing wrong with emo stories, but this is the same theme that's posted everywhere by angry, angsty teens with nothing better to do. And I know you're not one of them!
What I mean to say is that this idea is so overused. In other words, it's clichéd.

Also, you should make us care about your characters. I was laughing at Miss I'm-not-good-enough, woe-is-me while she slit her wrists. Simply because you didn't give me any reason to care for her. I mean, so what if she doesn't think she's good enough? I know I've had moments where I'v thought like that (but I've never cut myself), but you didn't make me relate to her and remember those times at all.

You can fix this problem by putting more detail into her cutting (but don't go overly graphic!) and describing the pain, and her thoughts about it, so that the reader might have a shred of compassion to offer her as she lays dying.

Imagery and descriptions: We need to know where this girl is, you cat! All we know is that she's lying down. But where is she really? In a forest clearing? In a dungeon? In an underwear store? I have no idea, and that's not good.

You also neglected to describe the characters. Where they ugly, or beautiful? Where they even human? Or where they proboscis monkeys?! You need to specify, and use some interesting language (such as metaphors and similes) to make this more gripping.


Anyways. I can discuss this with you more at school tomorrow, and for the time being, please don't take it too harshly. It's well meant and I know you can do a lot better than this.

Happy Editing,
Camille/ Igor-tab.

Wow, this story had a lot of emotion. One thing though i noticed is you switched from first person to third person point of view.

So I took my pocket knife again and slashed my arms and legs repeatedly; the pain felt promising, and my life as I know would end soon, so before it did, I said,"My heart was given to you, but you didn't approve. So here on this very night, I take it away from all, never to see it again. Never to beat again,"

and with that, she stabbed herself, ending her fear and pain forever.

Try not to do that, it really confuses the readers. You showed a lot of emotion and really made me feel for the character which is hard to do a lot of times.

Good Job!

The first two sentences were definitely the best; they encapsulated the whole piece beautifully.

Your writing is very emotional, we can see that, but the passage is finished before the audience has appreciated what's happened. Make us savour every second. Draw out the conflict in the protagonist and make it more subtle. What was her friend really like? How did they first meet? What drove her to such extreme measures? Answering these questions will give more clarity and depth to the narration.

A story doesn't need to have a knock-you-over-the-head impact to be effective. Effective storytelling manipulates the readers into reading on - pushes the right buttons in the right places.

You could improve spacing. Other than that, great start. Well done.

7.5/10

:D

Tears escaped from my eyes, and I didn't like it so became my emo self again and released my pocket knife from my pocket to slit my wrist to end life faster than it should; I didn't care wether my life ended but I knew that I couldn't go on like this; heart broken forever, the fault of my love

As the oh-so clever Ayra stated,[:D] you can do much better than this. Personally, i find it very immature of her, saying 'It's your fault I'm like this.' I mean, no one can make anyone do anything.
With this part, it sounds a little odd to me. "My life is crap, so I'm going to be emo now." I've never met anyone who conciously did this.

My stomach ached from not eating for four days; I starved myself because I thought that I wasn't good enough, and I was right.

I'm beginning to feel bad for her boyfriend. I mean, I wouldn't want to be around her either. Seriously, why...?

The last thing I saw was my love leaning over me yelling my name asking me not to leave.

We need more struggle here. I mean, first she says she's not good enough, and that her boyfriend doesn't want her anymore [or to that extent], and suddenly he cares about her?? What????
We need more from the boyfriend. I mean, I don't think anyone in their right mind will just sit there while their girlfriend is committing suicide. X(

Overall, I must agree with Ayra. This is 'poor me' writing. I know you can do better than this. What I suggest is that you build a situation around this, embellish your characters, give them identity.

These feelings... angst? [How is that even a word...?] can be expressed much better than going ballistic. Seriously, your words do your feelings no justice. Create something beautiful and gripping...

Other than that... Please keep writing Tania. If you need anything, you know you can PM me.
Peace.

*Seraph*

Hey Phebe it's Emily!!!
This critic may seem bad but it is meant to help you(plus you can critic my stuff later if you feel the need to critic something) anyways lets get started....

[quote]
Tears escaped from my eyes, and I didn't like it so became my emo self again and released my pocket knife from my pocket to slit my wrist to end life faster than it should; I didn't care wether my life ended but I knew that I couldn't go on like this; heart broken forever, the fault of my lover.


First of all don't tell us what is going on SHOW us. You said that you are now going to become your old emo self again. If you're sliting your wrists obviously you're emo...there was no need to state it.
Next the fact that you say basically my life sucks let's all become emo is not right at all. You have to show us that her life is bad don't just tell us that a man broke her heart so now she is going to kill herself.

[quote]
I felt so messed now that my life had no more meaning than a rock upon thousands in the river, only to be washed away like all the others. My stomach ached from not eating for four days; I starved myself because I thought that I wasn't good enough, and I was right.




"I felt so messed" makes it seem so immature and once again you're telling us not showing us. Then word four doesn't quite fit in this situation it would sound better if you had just said "I hadn't eaten for days" instead of putting the four in there.


Now Phebe you might not like this part...
The emo stuff is very much cliched try other topics other than a woman killing herself, I mean there are thousands of people who write about emo people try to spin away from this at least a little.

Next, you made multiple typos that really took away from the story. Look over your work BEFORE and AFTER you post it, it changes EVERYTHING.

Good Luck with the editing
Feel free to PM me with any other questions about my critic... or well anything.


-BroadwayGirl

I absolutely adored the beginning and the end of this but the middle...

Some of my best friends are emo and they would never, ever cut themselves. I think that it's completely wrong to say she was "her emo self" because that's just putting a whole group down. Look, all you people who are going to come and say "You have to cut yourself to be emo", not in my books you don't. I don't know, but it just doesn't feel right to me to be saying it like that...

It's a pretty dramatic piece, isn't it? I did enjoy certain aspects of it, but on the whole it was just a little too depressing for my liking. That's just personal taste though.

Also "Wether" should be "Whether".

I absolutely adored the beginning and the end of this but the middle...

Some of my best friends are emo and they would never, ever cut themselves. I think that it's completely wrong to say she was "her emo self" because that's just putting a whole group down. Look, all you people who are going to come and say "You have to cut yourself to be emo", not in my books you don't. I don't know, but it just doesn't feel right to me to be saying it like that...

It's a pretty dramatic piece, isn't it? I did enjoy certain aspects of it, but on the whole it was just a little too depressing for my liking. That's just personal taste though.

Also "Wether" should be "Whether".

Hey! I'm baaaaack!

My heart ached as my love drifted away; he no longer cares for me, but I do for him so dearly.

Great first sentence, although you switch tenses. In the bolded section, you are using past tense. (i.e. He ran away. My dog barked.) In the underlined section, you use present tense. (i.e. He runs away. My dog barks.)

Get what I'm saying?

So stick to one tense and stay with it throughout the whole piece.

He walked from me; face plain and eyes as gold as ever, full of nothing.

I swear that I've read this sentence before... did you use it in another piece?

Well done. This was very intriguing, and well written! Just a few typos that you can always find yourself.



Cya around!

BBB