Phoenix

“Are you the one they call Phoenix?” The youngster’s eyes were wide.

“That’s right.” I bent down to look him in the eye. “I bet you’ve heard all about me.”

The boy’s head nodded solemnly. “You’re the talk of the town.” His bluntness made me smile. Next he’ll want to feel my back. But what he said was, “Can you tell me what happened? I mean the real story?” His face, just beginning to show its distinctive markings, glowed with excitement.

Caught off guard, I stammered, “Oh. Of c-course I’ll tell you.” I pointed out a bench with my tail. “Sit over there.”

The boy sat, folding his paws at his waist. His ears stood straight up with excitement.

More confident, I started speaking. “It was a bitter-cold night. The first moon was just setting, and I lay beside my mother.”

As my voice carried across the square, more youngsters gathered to listen. Their parents joined them, and soon I was facing a large crowd. Through it all, the boy’s eyes never left mine.

Chapter 1

"Get up, boy, and don't make a sound." The words, spoken in the common tongue, grated on my ears. Something cold and hard was placed against my throat.

"Mother?" I whispered.

A booted foot knocked the wind out of me. "Speak when you're spoken to. Understand, boy?"

"Yes," I said.

"Speak up! I can't hear you!"

Instead of answering, I growled.

"Think you're tough, eh? Charlie, give it to 'im." I struggled, but the big man held me down. Another man, thin and bony, pressed something to my side.

At first it just felt like a thorn. Then pain, fiery and icy at the same time, went through me from head to tail.

"Don't fight it, boy. It'll give you strength." The man's smile showed several missing teeth; his breath washed over me.

I whimpered. The drug seemed to turn my blood to acid and my bones to water. The big man laughed as I fell, convulsing, into darkness.
**

Am I dead? That was my first thought.

No, spirits can't feel pain. I shake my head. Who's talking? Go away; just go away!

The voice said again, Spirits can't feel pain. Get up, Phoenix.

I rolled onto my side, cracking open one eye.

That's good. Don't try to sit up just yet.

"Who are you?"

The voice, which had seemed to echo in my head, came as a gentle whisper. "They call me Wind around here. What's your name?"

I groaned as I opened my right eye... or tried to.

"Avari Tigersong."

I like the way that you've introduced the story. It took me a little while to figure out what was going on in 'Chapter 1' (although i'm admittedly very tired at the moment so its probly my fault). I'd suggest maybe adding a little more description of the two men that hold the main character down. Also, an indication of setting would be good although this is a very short excerpt so i'm sure you probly would have introduced the setting at a later point. I cant wait to read some more!

Very interesting. This seems to be a great beginning, and I can see how the plot-line can carry on. I'm interested to see how this will develop.

Okay, on to my demonic grammar check...

"Yes," I got out.

I got out of what? Of bed? Of the cave? Or did you mean he got up? You could clarify this. But then again, perhaps I'm the only one who was confused by it.

That's really the only major thing. It was a bit vague at parts, but at the same time that was part of its charm.

I hope I've helped in some way! I'll keep reading.

Rather short, could use a lot more description on Phoenix and the surroundings of the boy in chapter 1. It lacks a setting and that makes it hard to get into the story.

There is too little to go through with line by line, but this piece concerns me.

" His bluntness made me smile. Next he’ll want to feel my back. But what he said was, “Can you tell me what happened? I mean the real story?” "

You have to break those up, and as for thoughts, don't just put them in itallics, if you are doing a first person story use the boy's thoughts as narration, after all he IS the one telling the story.

Also don't start with a 'But' unless you have a strong full sentence to go with it, that is not the case here and I would just not start a sentence with "But" anyways. Give that entire sentence a minor fix and give it its own line for readability.

Wasn't much to go on, expand what you have and this will become more interesting.

Well done.

Good plot.

The only things missing are the descriptive words.

It should also be a lil' bit longer, a prologue should be longer.

I can tell that your putting effeort into this piece

Good luck in future chapters.

U.Dub.

I like the intro to the story; it moved right into the action, which really caught my interest. I also like your flow of the story.

The poor boy though!