Prologue of MY STORY

Here it is.

Hero of Truth
In the country of Jokan, war has been waged between the Jokan and the Wolfan. In the village of Moran, a boy named Samois has found out his dad has been killed by the Wolfan army. Samois has lived alone since he was 14 and now he is 16. His anger for this happening has lead him on a quest for revenge. His mother had died when he was born so he has had this pain built up inside of him. All he has left now is the pain in his soul and his sword at hand." Samois home had always been in Moran. The little village , shrouded from the world lay deep in the valley of Jokan. The country of Jokan is very mountainous and has forest at the border of Wolfan which is what country they are fighting against. Wolfan is a forest nation bent on war and destruction Samois is 6'0". His hair is green just like everyone else from Moran. The people of Moran are ready for the war but are not ready for Samois to leave because he is one of there best warriors.


tear it apart I am juststarting and this is my first.

I don't want to seem mean but this was pretty bad. For one thing it was a very confusing read, you intruduce so many things in that little prolouge that its hard to really unterstand everything. And another thing, you start out saying that boys name is 'Samoi' and then you change it to 'Samois' prolably just a type-o but I wanted to point that out. And the puntuation is bad (sorry) you need to put a space after a period.

Like this: His anger for this happening has lead him on a quest for revenge. His mother had died when he was born so he has had this pain built up inside of him. All he has left now is the pain in his soul and his sword at hand."

Not like this: "His anger for this happening has lead him on a quest for revenge.His mother had died when he was born so he has had this pain built up inside of him.All he has left now is the pain in his soul and his sword at hand."

And this paragraph here was not good, it was told as if a little kid would tell it. I don't know how to explain it but I didn't like it. The very last sentence was nice though.

And also this paragraph:

"The little village , shrouded from the world lay deep in the valley of Joko.The country of Jokan is very mountainous and has forest at the border of Wolfan which is what country they are fighting against.Wolfan is a forest nation bent on war and destruction."

Like I said you need spaces after the periods and the spaces around that comma in the beginning were not needed. And also is the contry's name 'Joko' or 'Jokan'? you seem to have both written in this paragraph.

And I think it is unneccisary to put how much he weighs. It just doesn't seem right.

You have a good idea here but you need to work on putting it into words.

Crap I new I was not good at this well I guess it is proven.

Relax, it takes years of practice to get really good. I've been writing for years and I still am not perfect.

Now I will give a critique on how you can become good.

First of all, you need to find better names for your location. You nearly killed Snoink when she saw the name Moran and mistook it for Moron. Her jokes are continuing to this minute. Really put some effort into the names, don't just add an "an" onto everything. "Wolf-an" is especially transparent. Use some germanic names, like Krieg, or Hargest, or something.

Second, your character needs balancing. Desperately. Snoink has other suggestions, but she will post them later.

1. Your character is sixteen, yet he is the best warrior? I knew he lived with a bunch of Morans but really.

2. He is supposed to have all this weapon training, but his father has been away for two years? So who was left to train this stupid kid?

3. If you give him the skills of a Swordsman I will kill you.

4. It is not possible for me to kill you, but you will probably wish you were dead if you ignore number 3.

Alright, now that my death threats are out of me, I can continue.

Some issues with the Prologue.

You have made the same mistake that every writer who has made a prologue has made. I will stress this again.

NEVER TALK ABOUT YOUR CHARACTERS WHEN THEY CAN TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES!!!

My god, if he is unable to speak for himself on how he feels in Chapter One, you have already failed.

Don't feel too bad, every writer does this.

Physical details should be omitted until the first chapter, including all of his motives and abilities. What you should focus on is the war between the Jokan and the Wolfan. It's origins for instance.

After the declaration of war, the Wolfan launched a massive attack which was thrown back desperately by the Jokan. They repelled wave after vicious wave but only at a great price. The Wolfan soon found out about the power of the villages of Jokan and began leveling them as they conqueored. Jokan's situation was dire, they needed a hero, and they needed one now.

Everything Griffin said, even though it sounds familiar *Cough*Snoink*cough*

What do you expect? Griffinkeeper and I are twins.

Okay, I don't want to be repetive when I don't have to, but I just posted an article you might find useful:
forum/viewtopic.php?t=2520

As for you, Yoshi! You nearly killed me. Yes, I'm on 2 inhalers, cough medicine, and a nasal spray, but GAH! The names were so funny! I couldn't help but to cough/laugh at them. Look at them:

Jokan
Moran
Samois (that's actually a cool name, but then the next name in the list ruins it...)
Wolfan

LMAO!

First of all, I can say that you must be Jokan if you're writing about Morans. Enough said?

As far as the Samois and Wolfan... LOL! The first thing I thought of when I saw that name was Samoyed, and the picture that a dog was fighting a pack of wolves.

Now, note this comes from a very sick girl who finds the lamest puns to be funny. Don't ask. Even so, be more creative in your names. Listen to Griffinkeeper: he's great at names. I'm stupid with them. I wanna make up one name, but I can't do it. So I go for help.

I'm really tired now, so I probably should get off. Good luck.

I agree with what Snoink has said.

First of all, I can say that you must be Jokan if you're writing about Morans

That made me laugh out loud, heehee.

I think this was OK. Like you said, you were just starting when you wrote this. I like the descriptions, but I'm incredibly new here. And also, I'm probably a horrible writer compared to all of you.
Anyway, this reply might be late since you've already edited, but oh well. I found 2 mistakes.
"Samois home had always been in Moran." Samois should have an apostrophe.
Also, the comma in the sentence after the above one seems awkward with the rest of the sentence. Otherwise, great job editing after all the other comments and stuff!

I'd critique this, but everyone else has already made their points and I agree completely (particularly when it comes to names...)

That being said, I have one thing to say that no one seems to have touched on yet:

This is not a prologue. It is a synopsis.

Now, you can do one of two things. You can ay) lengthen this, fill it out, add detail, start showing instead of telling. This is, I assume, what everyone else has been suggesting. Don't just talk about "this happened then this and that"--describe what's happening as it happens. What are your main characters' thoughts and feelings as this is going on? Does he hate the Wolfan for killing his father? Etc. et al. Currently, he doesn't have anything in the way of personality at all. He's just a "great warrior"...so? Why not show he's a "great warrior"? Show him training, show him fighting, etc. Currently this story is nothing but a massive info dump. It hasn't got anything in it to engage the reader.

But the thing I would do is option bee) and that is scrap it entirely. Not only would this make a much better blurb than prologue (though it needs substantial proofreading), I've always disliked prologues that were just first chapters called "prologues". If you want a prologue at all, make it more vague and mysterious or have it not really pertain to the main story--have it surround other characters. Maybe set it two years previously when the main characters' father gets killed, or set it in a different part of the country. Turn what happens here into the first chapter, because as it is it is pretty much first chapter material. The first chapter's when the story truly starts; don't start your story in the prologue.

EDIT: Damn it, I feel like an idiot...how come I didn't notice how old this is? O_o I'm horrible at paying attention...>_> Then again, who resurrected this in the first place...?