blue eyes

Blue eyes
Watch
They sparkle
Delighted
At what they see

Solemn mouth
Still
No smile
No laughter
Not a word

But the eyes...
Look
They brighten
Seeing much
But nothing is said
Nothing conveyed
Except in blue eyes
_____________________

Well, I havn't been writing poetry for long, but what do you think? It's the first piece I've written that I've felt was any good.

I love it! Beautiful stuff! I just have one thing:

Solom mouth

Should be "Solemn mouth" I think.

Otherwise, it's great!

Blue eyes
Watch
They sparkle
Delighted
At what they see

~My fave stanza. You convey so much emotion in the one stanza. I love it!

~Skye Demon

it was rather abrupt and short in some places. however, i do not feel as though that should be changed. abruptiveness and shortness can sometimes be a sensational thing. for example--this poem here.
good job.

I agree, it was kind of abrupt in places. But its an effective abruptness, and does nothing to detract from the poem itself.

Blue eyes
Watch
They sparkle
Delighted
At what they see

I love this stanza. Awesome imagery! Conjures a great picture of beautiful blue eyes in so few words.

Solemn mouth
Still
No smile
No laughter
Not a word

I'm not sure about the word "still" in this verse - it doesnt quite match the "watch" of the previous verse. I think it might be better as a verb, rather than the noun. Maybe "hushed"? Not sure. Of course, its only personal preference.

But the eyes...
Look
They brighten
Seeing much
But nothing is said
Nothing conveyed
Except in blue eyes

I dont think the second "but" in this stanza is necessary. It reads much better without it - "But the eyes.../look;/they brighten,/seeing much./Nothing is said/nothing conveyed/except in blue eyes.". Other than those little bits though, its a great poem. I look forward to reading some more of your work [prods] so stop being shy and post it

Hehe... yes I am shy... maybe soon, I've got another I'm just finishing off... Thanks for all the help guys!

Wow I loved the first stanza, I'm a real sucker for short lines in poetry when describing beauty. It was weird, but the constant use of Ws, made me think of water which drew me into the eyes sparkling and their blueness. I don't know if that was purposefully done but impressive!
I think the third stanza was weaker because we were taken more out of the rhythm and style you have previously created but overall I definately enjoyed reading it. hope to see more.

I like the shortness of the words because they give great rhythm which I think is important in poetry. I feel that the first 'but' in the third satnza could be removed but that's really just personal preference. The last line doesn't quite seem to fit, but without it the poem wouldn't end properly, so I don't know really.

simple, rhythmic, sweet. not much else, but it had a nice touch in it that i thought was good to read.

Definitly a good effort if you haven't been writing poetry for long. Personally, I didn't like the rhythm too much, but the ideas were good, though that doesn't mean it's bad. This could be a really great f you develop it further.

I have the same problem, I write short sentences. . Over all though, it was great! It had interasting little twists in it that grabbed my attention. Great job. Keep up the good work.

-- M.B.Author

I thought it was brilliant. My only problem is the last line in the second stanza...it seemed a bit off rhythm. But your ideas and description were great. I liked the short choppy sentences.

I liked this. It was abrupt, yes, but in a way, it worked for this poem giving it a simple kind of beauty. You're imagary and emotion throughout the poem is strong and it was an enjoyable thing to read. In some places, it flowed smoothly but in others it tending to hop and jump like a frog, but balanced out against the rest of the peom, I came to think; Is it supposed to be like this? Some sort of style? What do you think?

Good workm and maybe with some slight adjustments it will be even better.

Tip: Ask someone, a friend or family member to proofread your work. This means that no mistakes are missed and also it will be sure to make sense then. This will also make you less shy to post things on here, as if you can share it with people whom you know and tend to be around, then I'm sure you'd be able to post it on here, with people you don't really know and whom you'll probably never see.