Cousin Mary - revised!

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Cousin Mary

1


The smoke was still rising from the cigarette when the paramedics arrived. Slowly, gently, they lifted Mary out of the couch and placed her somewhere out of sight (my eyes were clogged with tears), then drove away to the Hospital where I was born and where my father was born and where they fixed my legs when I was five and where I was going to die peacefully, gently, spit simmering down my neck, of old age.

I drove away in the other direction.

I was running away from all that happened, though I knew God would never forget to remind me every so often about past tragedies. He always does that.

It was no wonder I got an eye infection the next day, my eyes sore and puffed-up like a melancholy frog. I was never a good driver and with every great sob, my palms slipped across the wheel, which made the car skid crosswise the pavement—it rained the night before (when Mary was still alive) and the asphalt was smitten with puddles.

(A small bottle of pills, broken, lay in pieces on the carpet. Feline, her Siamese cat, was lingering across the kitchen marble, eyes closed with the sinister lord. Two of Mary’s tomato fingers were caressing its breathing fur, and her skeletal wrist slowly rose to the sofa, where her head lay facing the fireplace, covered with a thick blanket of hair. She was graceful even in her death, like a little fallen heart pumping under a thick cascade of water. The slow angle of her feet gave way in a petite twenty degrees, her skirt pressing down on her thighs. Two high windows were wide open, shedding their giddy pale light and sending intuitions of drizzle to Mary’s silent pillow. In her left hand lay the warm cigarette, pulsing with fire, the only thing alive in the tomblike room.)

The rain wouldn’t stop, and my heart was packed with nutty nostalgia, French Pop ringing in the fields of my childhood prairies—running around in bottomless sludge and singing with her, sweet infancy and scraped knees after I pushed her with a child’s rage—clambering out of the sadness that her sweet voice would raise like the echo of stairs. I would hold her tight like a big brother would and call her every now and then, stabbing the numbers with my fingernails and asking for “Mah-ry? Mah-ry, are you there?”

All my tears flooded the car floor and when my eyes were finally dry, I had to wipe them and open the window to feel the wind pat my cheeks, my hair, my eyes.

Her eyes were safe with death’s heaviness, eyes that once crooned indigo and lush.

I knew why she’s done it, but being brought up in a deeply conservative family, my folks always regarded suicide as the worst crime one could commit, excluding sodomy. Her excuse was a terrible one and I was not so sure that it was even authentic, but looking at her full, luxuriant lips I sensed the reality of death, on his majestic throne, ruling the cause of my cousin’s inexistence as “No more rosebushes.”

(Sometimes, I’d think about her and see her as the child of class; she would blow kisses like she blew on French cigarettes, and she sang with a voice like a razor, sharp and strong. When she wasn’t there in front of me, I saw her as a European—but in her living room, on the sofa, with the handful of pills tugging at her stomach, she only looked otherworldly and foreign, with a hint of wistfulness sleeping evilly by her lifeless side.)

She was the affair of my life, and the déjà vu of the pastures and the modest Southern huts made my throat ache oh so much, until I could hear her hissing softly in my ears like a broken kitten, and I—the one who left her to the paramedics—had nothing to drink but shame.

I ran out of gas. I stopped the car on the side of the road and locked myself inside, watching the marble-sized drops disintegrate on the front window of my Cadillac. She loved the rain. Maybe it was good that she died today. It seemed so abrupt, so shocking, and yet—maybe it was designed months ago, years ago?

I didn’t want to think about her, but my affection for her only quadrupled every second that followed her death (which I still could not swallow.) The grasses to my right were washed with wind and rainwater, bowing down like a hundred stooped men holding canes. I (myself) felt so aged and raw, watching the downpour coat the ground and the cars as they sped by, splashing the driver’s door. I had a sudden attack of despair, and the tears flowed out with agonizing blues and greens stirring in my eyes: the rain, the road, the sky, even the meadows surrounding me seemed like a faded cyan-color, so that with drenched eyes everything seemed like a blue-hued fog.

Mirages danced around me, girls with long, golden hair skipping in the mire and crashing into diverted plants, squatting down and hopping around with one leg up, elongated polka-dot dresses swirling about and about, a thousand girls chanting silly hymns carelessly with a distinct innocence that boomed despondently inside the caged Cadillac. One even leaped on top of its hood and tapped, giggling with a wide, white grin at me, naive as the Egrets that sail across the periwinkle skies.

I was awoken from my trance by a man beating against my door, his mouth emitting inaudible words that rose into the air, so that I rolled down my window and looked at him.

“Sir? Are you okay? Do you need any help?”

A pause, and then I said, “Uh…yeah,” but the tears were already gushing out and I could feel my body shaking, embarrassed, but I still couldn’t stop it, and I could hear Mary’s song as it chimed in my ears, which made the tears vacate their premises more rapidly.

“Sir? What…how can I help you, sir? What do you need?”

“Gas,” I sobbed. “I ran out of gas.”
Last edited by Gadi. on Sat Jan 26, 2008 11:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away




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Strong imagery! You're hallmark seems to be this type of vivid illustration, but this may be the finest I've seen of yours.

My complaints are only nit-picks.
- ...drove away to The Hospital where... Hospital shouldn't be capitalized.

- Instead of parenthesis, I'd really rather that whole paragraph was in italics. I'm sure you have a reason, but it's a bit annoying in it's present form.

- In five seconds, I can think of as many names for the cat better then "Feline". Did you even try? That's like naming a dog: "terrier" or "hound" or "sheepdog".

- ...tomato fingers were stroking it, and... Well, she was dead, so they weren't "stroking it". I get it, they appeared to be stroking an invisible cat -in the motion- but I'd change that line.


*** It might work as a prologue, but I think that if this is gonna be part of a novel, you need to get more out of this scene. That's my biggest complaint, you gotta think about the rest of the story, and if there really is more, I'm not sure this has enough meat.

But very very very well written.
Last edited by smorgishborg on Thu Jan 24, 2008 1:46 am, edited 1 time in total.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
- Robert Frost

It cost $7 million to build the Titanic, and $200 million to make a film about it.
The plastic ties on the end of shoelaces are called aglets




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Wow. I read the first sentence...and my attention was caught. Is there a prologue to this or do I start here? That is really my only question. If you could PM me that'd be great. Thankyou for writing with the strong images. Thankyou.




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Gadi, this begins wonderfully, with a clear tone that shows you know where you're going. As such, as a reader, I can't help but be swept up for the ride.

However, I think you went about this one a little too poetry-minded. And while we all love poetry, this is, in fact, not a poem, but a story ^_^ (er, I think it is, anyway). I call your attention to the parentheses phrases (that aren't so much of a continuation of the body text of the story as their own separate statements), especially the *cough* whole paragraph of parentheses *cough* and the "a baby sleeping in his cradle" at the end of the first paragraph which breaks traditional sentence structure. Seems rather like poetic prose, actually, in light of the last paragraph here.

You also did a nice job incorporating flashbacks with present action (the sixth paragraph). Skillfully seamless.

So in summation, writing + style = loveliness.

Now for the story. In short, I have no idea where this is going. That could be alright, as this is the first chapter; the style alone has me hooked. It seems almost self-contained, though, so it would be all too easy for someone to put down after this section.

Nice job, gadi ^_^




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As previously said, the imagery is very strong. (I feel as if one could never hear a compliment too many times.)

Since the focus on imagery is so strong, you leave out particular details of interest. I am by no means criticizing this. I just think it would be helpful for me to give you my impressions or assumptions on the details, so you can see if this is the sort of picture you were aiming for.

Call me silly, but the relationship between the narrator and Mary is somewhat unclear. And whatever, it doesn't have to be at this point. The title says one thing but then there is a mention of the word "brother". Then there's my mind, who's reading this like a romance.

Again, there are no complaints here. Just observance.

The narrator is obviously male and I got that idea from the first few sentences. For no explainable reason; don't ask.

Another idea that came to me without explanation was of the story's setting. I had the feeling that it's being set either in New York City or somewhere in Europe.

Still a lot of questions that encourage curiosity, a fine way to begin something. One of the greatest of these, at least for me, is this mention of "where they fixed my legs when I was five". That's something that will get me peeking in for more.

Now for the complaints.

Of course, the use of parentheses must go. It's horrid. Italics would serve much better.

The smoke still rose from the cigarette when the paramedics arrived. Slowly, gently, they lifted Mary out of the couch and put her somewhere out of sight (my eyes were clogged with tears), then drove away to The Hospital where I was born and where my father was born and where they fixed my legs when I was five and where I was going to die peacefully, gently, spit simmering down my neck, of old age—a baby sleeping in his cradle.


You should take this bit out, or find another way to put it in, because it just doesn't seem fitting here.

And lastly, if you'd refer to the above, out of the couch does not sound quite right, unless it can be justified. Why out and not off?

Pleasure to read, through and through. I expect to see more, no? You use pretty words that seem to be almost forgotten in the English language. I mean, that's not quite as literal as it sounds. It's just while reading I seem to say, "Oh, now that's a nice word. It should be used more often."


As always,

Rosethorn




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Well, everyone else has jumped all over everything I was going to say, so I am left to sweep up what's left. And there isn't much.

This was a great piece of work. I echo everyone else is saying that imagery is definitely your strong point. You have a fair amount of talent there. You should be proud of yourself.

Rosethorn says that the narrator was obviously male, while for some reason, I felt that it was a feminine voice. It was a little vague about the relationship as well. I was a little confused through all this, but I didn't notice until the second reading because I was so enthralled. But it does need to be fixed.

There is little setting and no other exposition. It might be suggested that the chapter be made longer, including a little bit more. This is a beautiful piece of work, but as a beginning, it needs a little more of an introduction into the character's lives. You could keep what you have here, only expand on it. Tell us who the narrator is and what they do after they drive away. Maybe give us a flashback. Something. Anything to get us into their head more. You already have some great memories and flashbacks as it is in that short piece of prose. Continue with it.

Fabulous writing, I will say. *is green with envy* You make me quite jealous.

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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Thank you all very much!!!!

smorghisberg--I agree about the prologue part, so I made the chapter longer. Thanks for all the compliments and complaints...

Talking_Pinata--it starts here. Actually, this is the beginning but I'll add a bit more, soon.

Amelia--thank you! I've always wondered about my style, so you sort of summarized it up for me...Thanks!

Rosethorn---I've never seen you here before, but you are an excellent critic. Kudos!

GryphonFledgling--Thank you very much! If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have added so much setting....

Plus, EVERYBODY---the revision is up!!!!
my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away




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Sorry it took me so long! I like to crit short chapters, then I'll move to longer ones. So... yeah. You didn't need to know that:

You have a very interesting first sentence, and I love good opening sentences. I usually can not get into a book without a good first sentence.
Slowly, gently, they lifted Mary out of the couch and placed her somewhere out of sight (my eyes were clogged with tears), then drove away to the Hospital where I was born and where my father was born and where they fixed my legs when I was five and where I was going to die peacefully, gently, spit simmering down my neck, of old age.


Holy cow! What a run-on sentence! That entire paragraph was one sentence. I know that you can split this up into two or more. And is the part about the whole "When I was born" and "when I was five" nessesary? If it is, ignore this. I haven't read the entire chapter yet.
was never a good driver and with every great sob, [No Comma] my palms slipped across the wheel,


Maybe it was good that she died today.


Didn't she die yesterday?

Hm...

I don't know if I am really that fond of this. It was well written, yes, but there was one thing that just really bugged me.

You use these: () WAYY too much! Let us (the reader) infer what is supposed to be in the ()

As for the actual story, it was all quite confusing. Mary killed herself. The MC drove away and ran out of gas. He/she kept thinking about life with Mary, and...

wait... it all makes sense now. Sorry for my stupidity!

Anyway, this isn't my favorite story of yours, but don't take me wrong, it was good. Just a little confusing at times.

I hope this helped!

BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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Wow!!!! I'm really impressed!! I loved this story. Except for a few grammatical errors (which were already pointed out) it was great! Keep up the good work! :D




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Gadi, you're too much a poet.

which made the car skid crosswise the pavement—it rained the night before (when Mary was still alive) and the asphalt was smitten with puddles.


This is too much.

... which made the car skid across the pavement. It had rained the night before, and the asphalt was smitten with puddles.

(A small bottle of pills, broken, lay in pieces on the carpet. Feline, her Siamese cat, was lingering across the kitchen marble, eyes closed with the sinister lord. Two of Mary’s tomato fingers were caressing its breathing fur, and her skeletal wrist slowly rose to the sofa, where her head lay facing the fireplace, covered with a thick blanket of hair. She was graceful even in her death, like a little fallen heart pumping under a thick cascade of water. The slow angle of her feet gave way in a petite twenty degrees, her skirt pressing down on her thighs. Two high windows were wide open, shedding their giddy pale light and sending intuitions of drizzle to Mary’s silent pillow. In her left hand lay the warm cigarette, pulsing with fire, the only thing alive in the tomblike room.)


Seriously, italics.
Seriously, rename the cat.

... and my heart was packed with nutty nostalgia, French Pop ringing in the fields of my childhood prairies...


Is "nutty nostalgia french pop" a cereal? I mean; what does this sentence even mean?

I knew why she’s done it, but being brought up in a deeply conservative family, my folks always regarded suicide as the worst crime one could commit, excluding sodomy. Her excuse was a terrible one and I was not so sure that it was even authentic, but looking at her full, luxuriant lips I sensed the reality of death, on his majestic throne, ruling the cause of my cousin’s inexistence as “No more rosebushes.”


The first sentence is an info dump, the last sentence is maddeningly obscure.

(Sometimes, I’d think about her and see her as the child of class; she would blow kisses like she blew on French cigarettes, and she sang with a voice like a razor, sharp and strong. When she wasn’t there in front of me, I saw her as a European—but in her living room, on the sofa, with the handful of pills tugging at her stomach, she only looked otherworldly and foreign, with a hint of wistfulness sleeping evilly by her lifeless side.)


Seriously, italics.

***

The ending is fantastic.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
- Robert Frost

It cost $7 million to build the Titanic, and $200 million to make a film about it.
The plastic ties on the end of shoelaces are called aglets



You'd be astonished at the intimate stories, hidden struggles, and heartfelt dreams that people are willing to reveal if only they find someone who'll truly listen.
— Arcticus