i shot dorothy gale [this ain't kansas] (13+)

you do know the sea is green, not blue, right?

black boxes are orange, arabs are caucasian
and my eyes are blue not red
ever after your styled fignernails scraped them bloody
and my tears hurt for months.
the stains still aren't out of my pillow.

follow the yellow brick road
so-coloured from late night urinating
find the end of the midsummer rainbow
and realise that gold is just a fantasy
and there are more important things than perfection to chase
down little alleyways and hairdresser's haunts
you'd sleep in dustbins it it got you to holywood
correction: you'd sleep with somebody.

is that why you tugged at my coat
and collapsed rather cliched at my feet
and conveniently forgot to apologise?
cleavage isn't the answer to all of life's problems
just to a spotty adolescent boy who can't stand up straight

unfortunately, no, fuckoffyoutightlittlebastard
isn't in the dictionary.
that won't stop you mouthing off though
just remember
one day wrinkles will catch up with you.

Okaaaaaaaaaay. What the heck were you thinking when you wrote this?

*looks at strange-tasting cookie for answer*

You are a very odd human being. I like that in a person.

you do know the sea is green, not blue, right?

black boxes are orange, arabs are caucasian
and my eyes are blue not red

I think I know what you're getting at here..."and my eyes are blue not green"

follow the yellow brick road
so-coloured from late night urinating

lovely image, I must say.

The rest seems a bit disjointed, but it's not, not really. As usual, I don't know how you write so well.

Hm... I think I get this and I have to say that I liked most of it.

You had some very good images in the first few stanzas and I really liked those, but I did not like the last stanza. I think you should end it with something similar to the stanza before it.

I did like this though. Good Job!

Hah.

Love the title...don't get the poem...w00t

I think perhaps the title can make up for the poem.

I liked it, very nice imagery in this.

cheers CL

I rarely comment on your works because of your lack of comments on mine. However, I feel this may be a mutual idea. So...

This was not as majestic as some of your others, and it would have been original had we been living in the 80s, or before everyone heard "Californication" by the Red Hot Chillipeppers. Still, there is a solid meaning to be found this piece: there is more to life than fame. Not very original, and neither was the piece as a whole; you did, however, have some very interesting concepts and imagery that I would save and use at a later date, with a stronger, more focal piece.


Basically, this is good for someone who hasn't seen primadonnas fall to the earth like rock doves. And props to you for pulling that off, but I guess I'm looking for something a little deeper, a little darker, and a little stronger from someone I perhaps know too well.

I really like this, I unterstood it too. You had very good imagry in here. I like "follow the yellow brick road
so-coloured from late night urinating"

Heee

The whole second stanza had very good imagry, it was my favorite part of the poem.

One thing: second stanza, second to last line, take out a 'it'.

Nice and eartheral, good work!

I thought that it was a nicely done, and yes the "there is more to life" theme is not original, but neither are love poems. What marks a piece are the lines and words used, and here I thought you did an excellent job. The second stanza, though, is disjointed, but the rest are well done. I particularly like the second stanza; grabs one's attention.

it was good but i really didn't understand it what is it saposed to be about?