untitled

small pieces of paper
and a cardboard box of get-away-from-me
thoughts full of summers past
too many people i don't want
too many keys, no homes of mine
turning around and cameras go wide
my movie has too much acting
and not enough cigarettes

ripped apart so tiny
hearts and guards all around my prison
shine in on me, pretending to be present
i am my own friend
i am, without any other
look and point and please do stare
the cast is absent
maybe too tired to deal with words

no longer heard or talked about
but felix is still sitting there
on a chair or possibly a stool
he's a very kind person
he's simple and well mannered
a foot out of spot light
the dust still floats higher
you can almost see it if you tried

Whoa dude, where's the punctuation? I can see a couple of commas, but that's it. I had trouble discerning any rhythm to this, and I think it would be vastly improved by a few full stops &c.

Punctuation and rhythm aside, the main thing that bothered me was the sense of disconnection between your images. Because I couldnt tell where the sentences started and ended everything kind of ran together in a way that was somewhat confusing, while at the same time each verse seemed barely linked to the previous so far as theme/story was concerned. While punctuation will obviously help this, I think you should also work on streamlining your images, for clarity's sake. Right now, I feel like there's so much going on and so many different things to think about that I'm losing the main sense of the poem, you know?

With a little bit of editing, though, I think this could be a fine piece. I especially love the last verse and that last line. Delicious.

Happy editing!

Cheers,
~bubbles