The Black Cat

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The Black Cat

Nothing meant more to me than the black cat,
hesitating at the roadside,
watching the youth gambol,
before the bonnets of moving cars.
Were those lovers? Sleeping in the gutter,
wrapped to each other, perhaps in stupor,
their fingers flowing like rivers over the seams of their clothing,
those fingers unlocked worlds often wandered in dreams
Those worlds would die with the sunrise, and I was jealous.
He'd forget her blue eyes in the morning, and I wouldn't.
As I held my breath and closed my eyes
I hesitated, the bottle was the only thing I saw.
The butterflies and knives in my chest,
the stab at the back of my mouth
meant that none of it had mattered.
The vodka shots, the gun shots,
skipped my heartbeat for hours.

Nudge the door open, slip in, remember,
There was a push from all directions,
there were openings everywhere,
at your lips, the fishnet stockings,
not in my eyes, no they were blurred.
But at your lips it happened,
at your tender mouth I tasted
the sharpest shot ever.
The click.
The sound of falling,
falling from grace, a fall into place.
My eyes never opened.
I fell forward into the gutter.
I wrapped my arms around you.
As if I had found my lost love.
Meanwhile, the black cat stopped hesitating,
and ran into the headlights of the oncoming vehicle.


So what do you think? It's using a sort of different style here which is different to what I've used before

Looking forward to your critiques!
Last edited by ScarletMonkey on Thu Jan 10, 2008 6:09 pm, edited 3 times in total.
All the things of love you know
Are felt most when you let go




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I enjoyed it. The only parts that give me trouble are:

"touching, nevertheless it was touch,
But a stupid touch all the same,"

Stupid isn't the best word to use here. It takes away rather than adds. Find a new word.

and,

"The sound of falling,
it all fell into place."

doesn't make too much sense, and the falling and fell don't go that well together.

"I hesitated, the bottle in hand,
The butterflies and knives in my chest,
the stab at the back of my mouth
meant that nothing had mattered.
The vodka shots, the gun shots,
skipped my heartbeat for hours."

That was beautiful, however.




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I liked this - it was unusual, but well executed. You have some vivid imagery and the story is quite arresting. One nit-pick I do have is the over-use of commas and that one hugely LOOOOONG sentence in the first stanza. I think that would be better with a full stop at the end of "But a hollow touch..."

I also found the repetition of "touch" to be confusing - it said nothing to me and didn't seem to flow with the meaning of the rest of the poem. Basically? I didn't get what you were trying to say, so you might want to clean that up a bit.

Overall a very interesting and provocative piece. I'll look forward to reading some more of your work - kudos!

Cheers,
~bubbles
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)




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OK, I've edited a fair amount of the original poem without losing anything that important

I agree, I did use touch way too much, and I actually always intended to change that at some point when something better came to me

I personally think my repetition of the word 'bottle' DID NOT go down that smoothly so I changed that too

hehe 'Stupid' is taken out too!

I was wondering if I got the spelling of 'Gambol' correct...?
All the things of love you know
Are felt most when you let go



Death is cheap, and so is life, but a reputation is not easily recovered.
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi