Serendipity

Whispers proclaim
The lasting sound,
Of treetops swaying
Like the ground,
Beneath my feet
That try to move,
Much faster than
The beating of,
My cold and icy
Heart.

I really like the way you structured your poem. It felt like a heart beat, with short lines between every new line. I also liked how you ended with the word 'heart' it brought conclusion to the poem. The one line that I thought was kinda off was "beneath my feet" because it felt like a larger jump in thought than the other lines, I am not exactly sure why this line jumped out, but I think the word beneath throws off the rhythem that the first four lines establish so well.

Well, it was OK. It was a bit pointless, to my way of thinking; the reader is offered very little context in which to place the scene you describe, and there is nothing which - to me - enables one to connect with the poet and his/her experiences. The rhythm created by the short lines was interesting, and you kept it to a good length - anything more or less would have been awkward. However, your punctuation needs work (there's more to it than just shoving in random commas, you know...and I'd recommend ditching most of the capitals too). Also, I'm not sure about the idea of the ground "swaying" beneath one's feet. It puts me in mind of an earthquake, which doesnt seem to fit with the rest of the poem.

Overall, passable, but ultmately without purpose. Next time, perhaps try expanding your images and ideas with literary devices (metaphors and similes) to get your reader more involved.

Cheers,
~bubbles

This flowed beautifully. I'd get rid of the commas after "sound" and "ground" and "of" as I don't think that you really need them. The way in which you've laid out the lines shows us where the pauses should be without the commas being required. I liked the abrupt ending and the breaking of the rhyming scheme.

Bubbles has a point, this isn't teh best piece I've read by you by a long shot, but I do like it. Maybe try the same idea in different ways for the sake of experimentation, or work on developing this, adding verses, but I think that it can also exist independantly. Hope this helps.

Jas

I had a great rythm and flow, it kind of had a swaying feel to it.
But apart from that... I don't want to go so far as to say it was bland, but I didn't really get it. It didn't tell me anything. There is no 'why'. Without knowing the story behind this, it's meaningless to us. I think it's definately worthing keeping and working on, but it definately needs working on. Did you have a point for it when you wrote it, an idea behind it? Because it needs one, and if you had one, I'd definately incorporate it into the poem more.
I think I'd also get rid of all the commas, and most of the capitals, except maybe in 'Whisper.'

Whispers proclaim
The lasting sound,
Of treetops swaying
Like the ground, - Nice ryhme
Beneath my feet
That try to move,
Much faster than
The beating of,
My cold and icy
Heart.

... I liked it I guess. It's quite short, and there is no story. Nothing to go on. Are you running through the forest? And if you heart is cold and icy, why would it beat fast?
You writing in general seems good. The poem is just a bit confusing. KEEP WRITING!

I lvoed the structure of this poem, its really great! I enjoyed this, and I think it was short, snappy, to the point and no faffing about! I liked the last line too, I thought even though it was just one word from part of a sentence, it summed up the poem.

'Heart'

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~