Alone in the Storm

Alone in the Storm

(Haven't submitted anything in a really long time, so this is my attempt to get back in habit. Tell me what you think.)



The night snapped to brightness. The windows rattled, shaking as from the shock the earth had just suffered. The groaning rumble persisted even after darkness had once again conquered and the house stood still.

Inside the small, suburban house, Hilary fought a battle – silently – in contrast to the crashing weather. Her tense muscles squeezed at her heart and twisted her stomach. She struggled for composure, tried to mimick Belle’s indifference.

Another flash lit the cards splayed on the family room floor. Hilary’s shoulders tensed as she willed herself not to jump at the inevitable, thunderous shake.

“Four aces again!” announced a disgusted Belle, who was frowning at the uncompromising cards. Her bright voice drown out the rumble. “Time for bed?” she asked dutifully, almost apologetically.

Hilary glanced at the glowing digits on the DVD player and willed them to change, begged them not to leave her alone in this storm. They shone on decisively.

“Yeah, probably.” She hoped her squeakiness could be considered cheery.

******

“Will you tell my parents to come up when they get back?”

“Mmm-hmmm, but you’ll be asleep by then.”

“When are they getting home again?”

“About an hour or two.”

“Okay, good night Hilary”

“Night, Belle.”

A feeble night light cast its glow on the tiny still lump and her Barbie patterned sheets. Gently, Hilary closed the door and headed for the stairs, turning her back on the source of any confidence or courage she had possessed.

A cymbal crash tore through the air. Hilary sucked in her breath, eyes closed painfully right.

Unheard by her babysitter, Belle gasped involuntarily and snapped board stiff, wishing for Hilary’s courage.

Its an intresting start. Anyway, the discriptions are good, but towards the end it becomes difficult to establish who is who among the characters. The only other thing I thought needed fixing was the 'as' in your first sentence.(See below) It's really not needed and makes the sentence akward.

All in all, I like it.

nickelodeon wrote: The night snapped to brightness. The windows rattled, shaking as from the shock the earth had just suffered. The groaning rumble persisted even after darkness had once again conquered and the house stood still.

Yes, the descriptions are very nice. And yes again, it is a little confusing in the end--who's talking and who's listening? Which one is the babysitter? I thought that it was probably Belle who was the babysitter, but the last sentence threw me completely off. A LITTLE explanation would go a long way.

There are also a few little grammatical mistakes:

nickelodeon wrote:Her bright voice drown out the rumble.

Do you mean "drownED out"? or maybe "drownING out"??

nickelodeon wrote:“Will you tell my parents to come up when they get back?”

Come up to where? That's not a grammatical mistake, but you might want to change it.

nickelodeon wrote:A feeble night light cast its glow on the tiny still lump and her Barbie patterned sheets.

I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to say... but you might want to put a comma in between "tiny" and "still".

nickelodeon wrote:Hilary sucked in her breath, eyes closed painfully right.

Do you mean "tight"?

nickelodeon wrote: Unheard by her babysitter, Belle gasped involuntarily and snapped board stiff, wishing for Hilary’s courage.

Like I said above, this is a little confusing. Are you sure the names shouldn't be switched?

PM me if you have questions!
Hope this helps.
~Azila~

It's interesting. There are nice descripitions.
People already pointed out some of your mistakes.
I liked it!

Hey, Nick.

This was a fairly good piece. It had a few mistakes, but that's not bad for someone who's out of the habit!

Hilary fought a battle – silently – in contrast to the crashing weather.

You could make this sentence less awkward by changing it to, "Hilary fought a silent battle in contrast to the crashing weather."

She struggled for composure, tried to mimick Belle’s indifference.

Should that be mimic?

“Time for bed?” she asked dutifully, almost apologetically.

Two adverbs in one sentence is kind of a no-no. Try altering the sentence so you only need one, or even none.

The others were right in what they said about the last line. I think you may have mixed up the names.

The descriptions are very good, but you might need to work on clarity.

That's all I've got to say. Good job.

-Mat

Hey, nickelodeon! Long time no see.

This was an excellent start, albeit a short one. The imagery you used to describe the storm was great. Very few things to critique on this one.

nickelodeon wrote:A feeble night light cast its glow on the tiny still lump and her Barbie patterned sheets.

Perhaps "Barbie-patterned" instead?

I agree with Mat. I think you flipped your names around at the end there.

I'm interested to see where this will go. Can't wait for more!

Love,

Haley

Thanks for the critiques! Actually, the names are correct in the last sentence. Belle is being babysat and Hilary is the babysitter. (Both are frightened by the storm and not letting it show.) I'll definitely work on clearing that up though. Thanks!