Spider

I weave characters by day...
Spin plot lines at night...
I form a web of lies and deceit, masked in letters...
Ink is my thread...
Paper is my foundation...
I ensnare readers in my creation...

This is good, but maybe you should expand it. Tell us more about the "web" you create with writing. Add more about characters, plot, etc

Interesting. This reminds me of a book called 'The Ringmaster's Daughter'. Have you read it? If not you should.
I do think you need to expand upon this, but you've made a very good start - you've created, in only a few lines, a very powerful image.
However, in this case, the image does not seem enough, and only a poor writer leaves the reader feeling unsatisfied.
PM me if you do expand it,
Bkwrm

Death by ellipses, much?

I weave characters by day,
And spin plot lines at night.
I form a web of lies and deceit, masked in letters.
Ink is my thread,
And paper, [s]is[/s] my foundation.
I ensnare readers in my creation.

The above is just my suggestion, take it as you will, but the ellipses need to go.

This is an interesting rough draft, but I think you could do a lot more with it. Your word choice is plain (isn't deceit and lie the same thing? So then why use both?) and I'm not entirely sure what point you are trying to make. Keep in mind that you want to do something for your reader; make them feel, think, or react in some way. Make them believe that you ensnare readers in your creation, don't just tell us that you do. How can we believe you, if you don't give us proof? How do you capture them? In your blood claws of characterization, in your pristine presentation of plot? (Notice how I'm using alliteration, which I am incredebly fond of, and is a great poetic device.) I think you could make this into something real good if you dug deeper than what you have shown here. What else can you tell us?

Try to be more poetic about it too, more metaphors, better word choice (Diction: Right Word, Right Time by Cade), and really catch your reader, and stun them with your creativity and wit.

Hope this helped! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

i like! mabye you could add a bit more detail as its so short

I really like this! Good work! However, the only thing I can say is that writers don't write "lies and deciet" unless their characters are liars and deceiters. I would think a writer would perfer the word "Fiction".

Well, if you can't use the word fiction, then don't use deceit. A thesaurus can give you a whole bunch of words that are less ominous than Lies or Deceit.

I disagree with Suzanne, I like the ellipses actually. The poem is short, yet it gets to the point. Well at least to me it does. This is how I would like to write my poems, but I always seem to make things ryme. This is a very good poem!

I'm with kittykat the poem is great just as it is, the only thing I would do is add more to it! Its short and sweet but a couple lines wouldn't hurt.

This is a good poem. I like the details you used to explain how a spider works. This should be expaneded a little more. I'm not sure this belongs in dramatic poetry though....Well, keep up the good work!!

Rick

I have to side with Suzanne; the overuse of ellipses has done nothing but drown this poem in what I hope is a wrongly-conveyed sense of its own superiority. Ellipses are the panacea of punctuation. They are weak; too many either obscures the meaning of the poem or gives it a certain arrogance. Replace the ellipses with various other punctuations--commas, periods, colons, semi-colons--even dashes, as you can see, can be effective.

Aside from that, this poem lacks much depth, yes? I like the sense of the macabre filtering through it, but it's awfully watered down. Strengthen it a bit and it could have a good bit of potential.

Cheers.

I really wasn't sure what genre (I write poetry only rarely and don't really know much about genres in poetry) to put it in, so I put it here. Can anyone tell me where I should put it?

I dunno, I like the ellipses. They are my favorite form of punctuation, even if they are considered weak. They just convey so much to me, as if the thought stretches far beyond the written word...

Thanks to everyone. I'll try to expand it.

The...ellipses...are...killing...my...soul....

No, really, get rid of them. They only hurt your poem, as Suz and Phoebe have already pointed out.

The poem is simple. It works as a child's verse or a riddle. But one doesn't make sophisticated poetry by taking an object, here "Spider", and writing a poem describing said object. You've taken it farther by describing a figurative spider rather than a literal one, but the poem is still a very basic analogy.

And as Suzanne said, "lies" and "deceit" are pretty much the same thing. Why reiterate when you can be concise? Cut one.

-Colleen

Please, no ellipses. They make everything rather plodding and make me feel as if I'm attempting to swim through a river molasses.

Rather than directly saying "Ink is my thread/ Paper is my foundation", expand the image. Make people have to work at getting to your comparison between spiders and stories. Saying it directly is fine for cutesy things, but doesn't do much for more serious poems. Think about things more: how do ink and thread relate? What is the literal foundation being compared to paper?

Jeez, I didn't realize that there were so many rules for poetry. I thought it was a free form of expression, with less rules than other forms of writing.

To be honest with everyone, I plan on leaving it much the same as it is, maybe editing a little here and there (ex. the 'lies' and 'deceit' matter). It was a one-shot poem I wrote on the spur of the moment, without concern for . I'll probably make it longer, since I agree that it could be expanded a little, but I don't really have any thoughts on making it 'deeper.' I was just thinking of a description of a writer as a spider, and people could interpret it on their own.

Amelia's comment on ellipses feeling slow and plodding is actually the mood that I am trying to create. This is not a fast poem, it is a crawling poem, slowly stalking. People may disagree with it, but the ellipses stay. Think of it as my creative trademark. Thanks for your thoughts, but it's my poem.

Maybe some of the comments are based on the fact that this is in dramatic poetry. Having thought about it, I don't think that this belongs in dramatic poetry. However, I am at a loss for what genre it should go in. Perhaps 'other?' Someone please help with this.

A huge thank you to all who have left critique and comments. I am learning a lot from you all.

~GryphonFledgling

If you're going for an effect of slow and plodding, word choice would be better. Overuse (and there is overuse here) of ellipses just make people angry.