The Assassination: Part 1

The Assassination: Part 1

9pm. He was already an hour late. Alex should have been home by now, curled up on the sofa with his copy of The Guardian and a glass of Jack Daniels. Surely the message would have got to him. The secretary promised that he would pass the message on and he did sound like a bright lad, the sort who checks the door six times even though he knows he locked it. The sort who really cares about his work. Like Alex. Alex wasn't his real name. It was an identity, a person he could leave if anyone ever found out the truth. Alex was the new life. Life in London. It wasn't a bad place to live. There were good areas and bad areas but tonight Alex found himself in a good area. It was a small park, the sort of place you'd expect to find a family eating a picnic on a sunny Sunday afternoon. But the evening mist and the nature of Alexs' work gave it a sinister quality. Alex kept looking over his shoulder waiting patiently for his contact to arrive. He noticed that the pond had frozen over. Not surprising. It had been bitterly cold all day. Not like home.

9:05pm. Still no sign of the contact. Daniel Turner. That was his name. He was a journalist and tonight Alex was going to sell his story. Not the whole story but just enough to put that scumbag away for life. It's what he deserves brother or no brother. Alexs' legs were going numb. Not to worry. He'll be dead soon.

Ok, this was good, but there are a few things you need to fix. I'll bold the sections

Michael Ewins wrote:The Assassination: Part 1

9pm. He was already an hour late. Alex should have been home by now, curled up on the sofa with his copy of The Guardian and a glass of Jack Daniels. Surely the message would have got to him. The secretary promised that he would pass the message on and he did sound like a bright lad, the sort who checks the door six times even though he knows he locked it. The sort who really cares about his work. Like Alex. Alex wasn't his real name. It was an identity, a person he could leave if anyone ever found out the truth. Alex was the new life. Life in London. It wasn't a bad place to live. There were good areas and bad areas but tonight Alex found himself in a good area. It was a small park, the sort of place you'd expect to find a family eating a picnic on a sunny Sunday afternoon. But the evening mist and the nature of Alexs' work gave it a sinister quality. Alex kept looking over his shoulder waiting patiently for his contact to arrive. He noticed that the pond had frozen over. Not surprising. It had been bitterly cold all day. Not like home.

9:05pm. Still no sign of the contact. Daniel Turner. That was his name. He was a journalist and tonight Alex was going to sell his story. Not the whole story but just enough to put that scumbag away for life. It's what he deserves brother or no brother. Alexs' legs were going numb. Not to worry. He'll be dead soon.

Ok the bolded section should probably be its own paragraph, same with the sentences after it. That will help break it up so that it's not so hard to read.
Also, in the last line of that area, you need to switch an apostrophe from Alexs' to Alex's.
Besides that there are a few fragments like the one above in green.

Apart from critique, (Something I never do) It is put together perfectly. The introduction was great and transitions were made smooth. Overall, I would say this is something I would follow. Great start, great work!

God Bless, KIM

Decent beginning, it's got me hooked ^^.
Only thing to tell you is that, in the last sentence, you missed out the letter 'e' in 'Alex's'.

He'll be dead soon.

I'd change the bold to 'He'd'. Tense issues.

Very good way to open up a story, grabbed me from the start and held me through to the end.

However, there's not a lot there to critique. While you don't want to post a 2000 word story all in one post, you also don't want to post a really really short piece, because, well, there won't be a lot there to critique. Follow?

For future reference, you really shouldn't make your post shorter than 500 words or longer than 1500 words. Find a happy medium and you're set.

You can always eyeball it, too, if you don't have a word counter on hand. Your piece here is 269 words, according to MS Word, so about twice the size of that would be be good.