So, for the New Year, I decided to whip up...
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The Cra-yon Lay-onds 5: In Which We Commence With The Christmas/New Year/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Oh, Whatever Special. A Special Christmas/New Year/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Oh, Whatever Special.
Mark was cruelly torturing something or other when he realized the true meaning of Christmas/New Year/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Oh, Whatever. He immediately stopped. Now to get to the story.
He was, as soon as the whole Christmas/New Year/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Oh, Whatever spirit thing blew over, attempting to tame a Roaring Dragon. (scientific name Draco Clamarius) This, as you may know from reading past installments, was not the easiest of tasks.
“Steady there, Bert.” he said, brandishing his toothpick, which he had acquired when, forgetting his sword, he had found the nearest pointy object in his lunchbag: a knife. Unfortunately, he lost this, and resorted to a toothpick.
The Roaring Dragon (scientific name Draco Clamarius) roared, annoyed. “I NOT am a BEERRT Dray GON! I AM a BERTHA drahGUN!”
“Err, sorry Bertha.” Mark said, edging around the gym used for training purposes, farther away from Bertha.
“AND TaLK like THIS! doo yoo wanna NOT bee graMATTICLEE incourect or sumthing!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!!??””
“riTe, sowWEE.” Mark said, clearly an expert at Roaring Dragon (scientific name Draco Clamarius) language, which was also called “Stupid Language” by one who was clearly stupid himself, named Poof. Poof was found with large bites taken out of him, and this was ruled a Roaring Dragon (scientific name Draco Clamarius) killing by Officer Poob. Officer Poob was found with large bites taken out of him, and this was ruled an accidental death caused by alcohol poisoning by someone who was clearly a lot smarter than Poof and Poob.
“aneewai,” said Mark, “thyme 4 ur TRRRAinung. roll over.”
“...roaring DRAYguns (scientific name Draco Clamarius)... Do NOT roll over.”
“wull, this wun ‘AD bettar.”
The Roaring Dragon (scientific name Draco Clamarius) growled viciously, and Mark decided to give up for now.
He exited the gym, tossing the Roaring Dragon (scientific name Draco Clamarius) a Medium-Sized Goal-den French Fry on his way out.
Suddenly, he saw someone. A female. NO WAI, LYK, RLY? cuz thatd b the first female in here. “Yeah, well, shut up,” said the author, who appeared to have been shot with a Paolinaray. “I need to drool at this character I made from my own perverted fantasies.” This female (Oh yeah, female! Drool drool drool!) was sexy, smart, athletic, had a bow with arrows attached to a sling on her back, and was a F***ING ELF.
He walked up to the person, who he saw on a name tag she conveniently had, was named Ary- excuse me, Lilah. He then said, quite wittily he thought, “Hey babe, you know we’re gonna end up in the end, so let’s just do it now, what?” He then grabbed her and [s]kissed her[/s] messily devoured her.
Lilah slapped him, said “My sexy elf babe body is too much for you, and I can’t be with you so Erago- er, Jonathan will be able to hitch up with me in book 4.”
Mark said “Fine, you were just a goddamn Mary-Sue anyway.” Heartbroken, he wandered off. He wandered, and wandered, until he found a red button. With a sign that said “DO N-” Oh, do I even need to tell you? Red buttons always have the same old sign on them.
So he pushed it.
This set off the main event of this story.
Yes, I took about 550 words and a little over a page to get to it, it’s a Christmas/New Year/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Oh, Whatever special so it’s gotta be long.
Jonathan was busy putting the final touches on his Mega-Robot of Insanity and Doom 18000. As he screwed in the digital flux capacitor readout into the flux capacitor accessorationalyzer, he thought about the long process it had taken to get to this point. How he had once been innocent, and naive, but then he found the manual on How To Make A Mega-Robot of Insanity and Doom 18000. The room suddenly filled with a low buzzing and a green light, shaking him out of his musings and signaling that the Mega-Robot of Insanity and Doom 18000 was complete. “Your robot, madam,” intoned the voice of the robotic room he was working in.
“How many times do I have to tell you my name is Jonathan and I’m male?!”
“Madam, when you activated me, you provided sufficient proof that you were in fact fe-”
“That was my girlfriend, you idiot computer!”
“Very well, madam.”
Jonathan muttered angrily and exited the room. He had set it up so the Mega-Robot of Insanity and Doom 18000 couldn’t be awakened without pushing a button located far, far away from the station, given he didn’t want to be near it when it started. He had put up a little “DO NOT PUSH” sign next to the red activation button so it wouldn’t be pushed. It would appear Jonathan still had some naivety left in him. LOLZORZ.
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He was getting close to the red button, which was near the Roaring Dragon (scientific name Draco Clamarius) Training Facility, when he saw someone about to press it. He panicked, and started to run faster. The button could NOT be pushed without his remote control to prevent the Mega-Robot of Insanity and Doom 18000 from breaking loose and destroying all! It would be disastrous! He ran as fast as his legs could take him, when suddenly he was brought to a stop. Lilah was standing in front of him, wearing almost nothing at all. “Mwaha,” she said, “Mwaha, I am going to seduce you so Mark will press the button and release all hell on the world, for I’m actually evil.” Jonathan, of course, heard none of this, as it would destroy the plot.
“Oooooo,” he went, and as Lilah began to lift off what little clothing there was, shivering in the Christmas/New Year/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Oh, Whatever snow, she carefully pickpocketed the remote as he was transfixed.
Mark pressed the button, and a gigantic boom was heard.
“Aw dammit,” he said, and started running back towards the Mega-Robot of Insanity and Doom 18000 holding facility.
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The Mega-Robot of Insanity and Doom 18000 opened its glowing, pink eyes, and looked down upon its magnificent... pink... body. What the fu-, it thought, but its autocensor kicked in and replaced the last word with... -rry cute things?
DA-rling little cute things, it thought.
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Jonathan reached the Mega-Robot of Insanity and Doom 18000 holding facility, panting, and opened the door. He saw a sight worse than hell itself.
The Mega-Robot of Insanity and Doom 18000 was sitting at a little pink table, having invisible tea with stuffed animals.
“M- m- Mega-Robot of Insanity and Doom 18000?” Jonathan stuttered.
The Mega-Robot of Insanity and Doom 18000 looked at him with glowing pink eyes and said “Go-od cute thingsda-rling cute things-it, will you turn off this fu-rry cute things-ing censor?! And give me a spray-paint job too, Jes-ting cute little chipmunks f-urry cute things-ing Chr-istmas presents!”
“Er... right. Okay...” said Jonathan, and reached for his remote control in his pocket, only to find it was gone. He started in shock, and then said to the robotic room, “Replacement remote recovery request.”
The room intoned softly, “Verification, madam,” and a fingerprint pad slid out of a panel in the wall. Not bothering to correct the robotic room, he placed his right thumb on the pad.
“Incorrect, madam.”
He blinked. He switched his right thumb with his left thumb.
“Incorrect, madam.”
He cycled through the rest of his fingertips.
“Incorrect, madam. Incorrect, madam. Incorrect, madam. Incorrect, madam. Incorrect, madam. Incorrect, madam. Incorrect, madam. D’you get the picture yet, madam?”
“I don’t understand...”
“Madam Lilah, perhaps you would like to try a different mode of verification for the robotic room replacement remote recovery request?”
“...Lilah!? Ohhhh, shi-”
“We don’t allow those sorts of words in front of the Mega-Robot of Insanity and Doom 18000, madam.”
He grabbed a heavy club from off a desk and ran out of the robotic room, into the Christmas/New Year/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Oh, Whatever weather.
“Such bad manners.”
“Fu-rry cute things you.”
TO BE CONTINUED (FOR THE VALENTINE’S DAY SPECIAL)
[/bad joke]
