ripped in two.

im hutring inside.since you've left i had no pride. i've faked it for so long that im growing unstrong.your like a poison so black and cold.the sickness so bold , the longer i have it the more it gets old.its hurts so bad im torn in two, losing myself to have you, having me and losing you. im confused,what should i do?Forget it i hate you. you've bruised me inside,but its going to stop.when i walk by you my heart goes pop! it explodes with anger of all the things you do.why is it always you,when it comes to emotional murder,you know exactly what to do.

I see you're new (welcome!)--here are just some ground rules. Please review two pieces before you post your own. Please keep the ratio of critiques:new posts at 2:1. That's about it.

Beyond that, I'm not sure this even deserves a reply. To be brutally honest, this isn't even poetry. This is a rant. A poorly written, misspelled, wrong-in-nearly-every-technical-way rant. Keep it in your journal.

Next time, at least try for some of these things:
1. Correct punctuation, spelling, grammar, etc.
2. Appeal to reader. (Navel-gazing = a no-no.)
3. Originality.

Better luck next time!
-Colleen

Hi.

1) Welcome to YWS!
2) Poems like this would be better accepted at www.deviantart.com - this is more of a VERY literate writing site.
3) Below are mistakes I picked up
3.5) I've also set it out the way it should be set out, not as prose.
4) Have at it, and keep on keeping on! ^^

im hutring --------- "hurting" ---------- inside.
since you've left i ------ should be "i've" here -------- had no pride.
i've faked it for so long that im growing unstrong --------- unstrong is not a world. Use instead, "less strong" ---------.
your --------- "you're" -------- like a poison so black and cold.
the sickness so bold ,
the longer i have it the more it gets old.
its ------- "it" --------- hurts so bad im ------- "i'm"------- torn in two,
losing myself to have you,
having me and losing you.
im ------- "i'm" -------- confused,what should i do?
Forget it i hate you.
you've bruised me inside,but its going to stop.
when i walk by you my heart goes pop! <--------- that's a truly terrible line -------
it explodes with anger of all the things you do.
why is it always you,
when it comes to emotional murder,
you know exactly what to do.

-------------------------

All in all this is not terribly hopeless, I mean, I've seen worse (but not on this site).

As I suggested, DeviantArt thrives on angst while this site is more for th serious writer who wants to hone their skills.

Good luck here!

- jai -

This is a rant, a random uneeded and time-wasting sort of thing that needs loads of help if you want to make it readable.

I suggest rewriting it totally, then reposting it.

Okay. Yes. It is true what the other have said. But I really want to rewrite this just to see what it looks like and then correct it? I'm sure we can make poetry of it some how:


I'm hurting inside.
Since you left,
I've had no pride.

**Now, you need a lot more feeling than that. What makes this a rant is the fact that you're rambling on and, though all these feelings might be true, they don't portray a feeling that can be easily taken by your readers. Use some adjectives or some metaphors and relate your feelings to other things that others can understand. Make it more poetic and less of a paragraph that happens to rhyme sometimes.

I've faked it for so long,
(Put another line here)
I'm no longer strong. (works better?)

**These lines, if you hadn't noticed, are a lot shorter than your first and don't fit well. When you have a rhyme, you usually move on to something else that rhymes. Here, you didn't. You just rhymed sometimes. And it didn't flow.

You're like a poison so cold,
The sickness so bold.
The longer I have it
the more it gets old.

**... sicknesses don't get old, they just get worse. Also, it's hard to imagine a sickness as bold because...it just doesn't fit here. You have a lot of forced rhyme throughout this and honestly I think that it would do a LOT better if you just took the rhyme out, fixed the lines up, used correct punctuation, added detail, and so on. In other words. Use this as an outline and rewrite the whole thing. Now that you have all of your feelings down, make a poem out of it. This stanza isn't completely horrible, nothing some new words and a metophor couldn't fix. You get it?

It hurts so bad.
I'm torn in two.
Losing myself to have you.
Having me and losing you.
I'm confused,
What should I do?

**Tooooo much rhyming here! I felt overwhelmed. And the beginning, "It hurts so bad. I'm torn in two. Losing myself to have you". Doesn't sound completely horrible either...it actually kind of sounds like song lyrics. That's where you can use dull words such as bad. In songs. Usually the music makes the words sound better...you know? I think you'd actually have less work put up for you if you corrected this and then put it in the lyrics section. As for "Having me and losing you. I'm confused, What should I do?" I don't know what you should do. Mostly because I don't understand your two options. It's really etchy how you describe these feelings like you just wrote down the first things on your mind. And there's nothing wrong with that... except for the fact that it's not poetry. I do see where your feelings are coming from though. And the last line, if you realized that I didn't include it "Forget it, I hate you." Just don't. You're feelings are far too subtle for a sudden, Forget-it-I-hate-your-guts!!! You can say I hate you without really saying it. That's the wonderful part of poetry. You can say something even worse than I hate you and be comparing it to a butterfly. Vision is the key. Anyone can say the words.


You've bruised me inside,
but it's going to stop.
When I walk by you
my heart goes pop!

**This was comical. Not a good voice for what you were trying to say. The lines don't even work together in anyway. First you're trying to decide whether or not you want the guy and now you're yelling at him? The last line. "My heart goes pop!" Actually made me laugh. And I'm sure that's not what you meant it to do because, well the rest of your lines explains it all.

It explodes with anger,
from all the things you do.
When it comes to emotional murder
You know exactly what to do.

**Don't rhyme do and do. Ever. I don't know why but when people rhyme a word with...the same word it doesn't even prove to be rhyme to me. It looks like you ran out of ideas. And as far as the heart thing. It was dead in the last stanza. You didn't focus too much on any other feeling or line you had on this poem so why continue to talk about what's happening to your heart. It's far too extended. "Emotional Murder". One of the most metaphoric things you have in this piece. Don't make this true. As I said, relate your words to other things so that others can feel what it is you want them to feel while and after reading this.

That is all! I reeeeaaaally hope this helps! I didn't mean to be cruel if that's what I was. And as for what me seeing worse than this poem. I have. And it was on this site. This poem is in no means hopeless. PM me if you have questions or need help with anything!

Keep it up!

~Rieda

Hello and welcome to YWS! Like Cade said, you'll want to do a couple of critiques before you post your own work.

Anyway, your poem!

I think, at this moment, you're focused too much on rhyming and, because of this, your message is getting squished because you're trapping yourself in convention. Don't do this! Let your emotion come out -- screw rhyming! Meaning is more important any day.

Good luck!

ribbonsXlikeXwhoaX95 wrote:im hutring inside.since you've left i had no pride. i've faked it for so long that im growing unstrong.your like a poison so black and cold.the sickness so bold , the longer i have it the more it gets old.its hurts so bad im torn in two, losing myself to have you, having me and losing you. im confused,what should i do?Forget it i hate you. you've bruised me inside,but its going to stop.when i walk by you my heart goes pop! it explodes with anger of all the things you do.why is it always you,when it comes to emotional murder,you know exactly what to do.

First of all, welcome to YWS. The poetry forums here are quite brutal. Most people approach poetry thinking "hey, I don't have to use any of the normal rules of writing." Then they come here and get slammed down.

Don't worry, it happens to everyone.

Let's start with the basics. This was written in chat speak. Chat speak is a very common language now and it has sacrificed a lot in order to accommodate the faster-than-light speed of texting.

Here on YWS, the official language is English. So writing in chat speak is a fairly big sin. Use proper English. Capitalize the first letter in every sentence, as well as the I in "I'm." Use apostrophes to indicate a contraction. You probably will recall the whole "Don't is a contraction for do not," from grade school. If not, you're probably in more trouble than you realize.

About the subject. This kind of poem is what people refer to as "Navel-gazing." Navel-gazing is when the poet is constantly writing poetry about themself (usually in an angsty and amateur manner). It is amongst the more annoying subject matter in all of poetry.

So, if you've gotten some harsh reviews, it's because you've pretty much committed every mistake one could make with poetry.

All the best,
Grif.