Unvanquishable Foe -- for Fangala's contest

I am woken from a light sleep as a small red creature of some sort whizzes across the room. I open one eye to observe the creature; it appears to be merely a pinprick of red… maybe a bug? It dances across the room, leaping with unearthly agility from chair to wall, wall to lamp, lamp to table.

I slowly rise to my feet and crouch down, watching the insect. I can feel my tail thumping the couch and the noise echoes in my ears in time with the striking of my heart. Watching the creature, I try to imagine the feeling of smashing it under an outreached paw. What would it taste like? Unable to contain my eager excitement any longer, I leap delicately off the couch and slink towards the glowing creature, huddling in a corner. This will be easy prey.

I stoop down next to the creature and sniff curiously. I do not smell anything to signify that the strange little animal exists at all, but yet I can see it plainly with my own eyes. How could that be? This bug is like no other I’ve encountered in my entire career.

With lightning speed, I reach out to capture the creature, but it is quicker. At the moment that it should be trapped under my victorious paw, it is on top of it, illuminating my white fur. Annoyed, I flick the thing off and give my beloved fur a few precautionary swipes with my sandpaper tongue before turning my attention back to the chase.

The insect is still cowering in the corner. I squat down and glare at it, then make another sudden move to catch it. But again, it is too quick and scurries noiselessly up the wall. I leap to catch it, but it dodges by climbing higher. I look at it, trying to calculate wheather or not I can jump high enough to reach it. I decide that if I jump from the arm of the chair next to me, I can reach the animal from the top. As I pounce, the creature climbs even higher up the wall. Eyes still fixed on the red dot, I twist in the air, reaching a desperate paw towards the wall, but have to spin around again in order to land on my feet.

I quake with irrepressible enthusiasm as I watch the animal dance in teasing circles on the ceiling. How can I get it from all the way up there? It is a lost cause, I think to myself, and begin to make my way back towards the couch to continue my nap. But as I am doing so, the creature suddenly appears a few inches in front of me. I freeze.

The creature makes a slow circle around me and I pivot to follow it. The circles speed up and I continue to follow the creature, making frantic grabs with my paws. All is a dizzy blur – the only thing in focus is the little red insect.

Suddenly, the creature disappears. I stop, a little tipsy with dizziness. Where has it gone? I look around – and see it on my tail! Why can’t I feel it? Warily, I twist my body around without moving my tail. I bend my head down towards the insect to nab it in my mouth – when it disappears again!

I growl internally and begin to prowl. The human who has been standing nearby drops something onto the coffee table and leaves the room. Curious, I jump up onto the table and inspect the thing the human deposited. It is a long, slender metal thing with a little lump on one side. I touch the lump and feel it move underneath me. My paw still on the lump, I look around the room.

There, on the wall is the little red creature! I pounce off the table, forgetting about the metal gadget. But when I reach the wall, the creature has disappeared once again! I stalk the room for a little while before a wave of sleepiness hits me. The couch looks so inviting. Why bother with an intangible little animal when there are naps to be had?

This is really great!!! I love the idea, it is fun and captures perfectly the playfulness of a dog. There are a few parts where I think it gets a little wordy, such as

At the moment that it should be trapped under my victorious paw, it is on top of my paw, illuminating my white fur. Annoyed, I flick the thing off my paw and give my beloved fur a few precautionary swipes with my sandpaper tongue before turning my attention back to the chase.

You use the word 'paw' quite a bit here. Instead of saying it so may times you can just use 'it', like this:

At the moment that is should be trapped under my victorious paw, it is on top of it, illuminating my white fur. Annoyed, I flick the thing off [spoiler]of my paw[/spoiler] and give my beloved fur a few precautionary swipes with my sandpaper tongue before turning my attention back to the chase.

There are a few other places like this but they are easy to fix.
My favorite line was this:

This bug is like no other I’ve encountered in my entire career.

Great job!
P.S. I like your Totoro avatar!

Sorry, I didn't know what a spoiler was, that was just meant to be crossed out!

Thank you so much for reviewing this!

It's actually supposed to be a cat, not a dog, but looking back I guess it can be uninterpreted either way.

Thanks again!

~Azila~
p.s. Totoros rock, don't they?

urggh.... i reviewed this already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It must not have taken my post... Sorry about that.. I'll redo it later.

Sorry!!! I thought that this was about a dog! Knowing now that it was a cat I picture the whole story differently, but its still just as good! I probably thought it was a dog because I have done the same thing as in your story with one.

P.S. Yes, totoros do rock! Have you seen the movie?

That's ok! I'm glad it can be read more than one way.

And yes, I'm a Miyazaki fan... not all anime, just Miyazaki.

Thanks for the review my friend!
~Azila~

Hi, Azila! I love this, but I won't say any more, because I'm running the contest.

Yay, I love Miyazaki! Have you seen Whisper of the Heart? That's my favorite. You know, a few days ago I saw a giant Totoro stuffed animal for $365.

Thanks, Fangala!

Yeah, I've seen Whisper Of The Heart. I think I've seen all of Miyazaki's stuff actually... Wow! that's expensive for a stuffed animal!


~Azila~

Ok, Here is my review....

Some awkward description..... And here are a few line edits:

encountered in my entire career.

Career? hehe... Elaborate...

At the moment that it should be trapped under my victorious paw, it is on top of my it, illuminating my white fur

Now there's no repetition, but it is weird..... My it?

As I pounce, the creature climbs even higher up the wall. Eyes still fixed on the creature, I twist in the air, reaching a desperate paw towards the wall, but have to spin around again in order to land on my feet.

Sounds a bit repetitive. Through the whole thing you tend to use the same word more than twice in a paragraph, which makes it a bit awkward.

The human who has been standing nearby drops something onto the coffee table and leaves the room. Curious, I jump up onto the table and inspect the thing the human deposited. It is a long, slender metal thing with a little lump on one side. I touch the lump and feel it move underneath me. My paw still on the lump, I look around the room.

Is this thing important to the story? if not, get rid of it, cus its confusing and rather distracting....

There, on the wall is the little red creature! I pounce off the table, forgetting about the metal gadget. But when I reach the wall, the creature has disappeared once again! I stalk the room for a little while before a wave of sleepiness hits me. Why bother with an intangible little animal when there are naps to be had?

This is a very quick transition from "irrepressible enthusiasm" to "sleepiness". ;D Maybe make it a bit more gradual?

Other than that, this was pretty sound. Good work! Good luck with the contest too....

Thanks so much canis!

The part with the metal gadget it important, actually (the gadget being a laser pointer) and the sudden mood change in the end is supposed to reflect how cats can be playful one moment, then sleepy the next. Everything else was really helpful, though... thanks again!

~Azila~

oh.... Maybe make that clearer? I was under the impression that it really WAS a insect... Now I see it was a laser pointer. Also, about the suddeness, it still seemed really abrupt, maybe make it as though it suddenly sees it's follishness, or it's bed was calling to it.

Azila --

I'm sure you'll do well in the contest; this is extremely good. I love the borderline humour and how you wrote it from a cat's perspective.

Azila wrote:I am woken from a light sleep as a small red creature of some sort whizzes across the room. I open one eye to observe the creature; it appears to be merely a pinprick of red… maybe a bug?

I couldn't help noticing that there's an extra space between the I at the beginning of the second sentence and the period at the end of the first. This is probably the most nit-picky nit-pick in the history of forever, but I thought I should let you know.

It dances across the room, leaping with unearthly agility from chair to wall, wall to lamp, lamp to table.

I love how you said 'chair to wall, wall to lamp, lamp to table'. Its a great technique to show [not tell] the reader some of the room's basic furnishings.

But again, it is too quick and scurries noiselessly up the wall. I leap to catch it, but it dodges by climbing higher up the wall.

I don't like how both sentences end in 'wall'.

I look at it, trying to calculate weather or not I can jump high enough to reach it.

'Weather' should be 'Whether'.

I growl internally and begin to prowl.

The rhyming of 'growl' and 'prowl' kind of bothers me...heh. You could lessen the bothersome effect by adding 'towards it' after 'prowl', I think. But don't feel inclined to do that - it's just personal preference.


That was wonderful!
It's humorous and eloquent, and I love it. The cat's personality was expertly portrayed and the red dot was hilarious. I only guessed that it was a laser-pointer when you said the cat couldn't feel it on him/her - before, at the beginning, I thought it was a red squirrel!

Any ways, this is wonderful. Good luck in Fangala's contest!

Cheers,
Camille

Thanks so much, Camille! Your reviews are amazingly helpful.

I will definitely integrate your comments into the piece.

~Azila~