I see you're a new member who missed the rules, so I'll catch you up real quick. Please don't post more than one piece a day...this usually scares people away from critiquing your work, and gives the impression that you didn't spend very much time on it. You should critique at least two works before posting your own, and you should keep the ratio of critiques to posts at about 2:1. Also, it's really juvenile to put a poll on your poetry. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
As for the poem...keep it in your journal. This is rambling and flat and death by cliche. I'm serious. Please get rid of it. The harshness is necessary; if you take writing seriously, GO READ some good poetry before you attempt writing it again. Also--the glaring technical errors give the impression that you care very little about the work. If you're going to write junk like this, at least spell and punctuate and capitalize things when you ought to. At least try to give the impression that you care about your own work.
Better luck in the future, and welcome to YWS! (Ah, I do realize I'm making a horrible first impression by ripping your poem into little tiny pieces, but don't take it personally!)
-Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."
Focus more on her rather than your feelings of her, because let's face it: it's a lot more romantic if you're writing about her eyes and such rather than, "OHMYGOSH, SHE NOTICED ME!"
So make it more about her eyes than about you.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
Welcome to YWS, well first of all I agree with each and every person that has critiqued this .... Poem. Like some have said don't post more than one a day. This poem didn't exactly [i]move[/i] me at all.... very dull. I know a little about poetry but mine might be a bit.... Emo for your taste. But in this poem I noticed you didn't exactly say why you liked her... The reader most likely thinks.... Okay he like her.... But..... Why?
Don't take these personally we all just want to help
as always
-Max
We're meant to be one
I know we are...
If I am the Sky
Then you are my star... ™
No one said they didn't like it, you can't take it too personal if they did. You just need to spill out your heart on this piece of work and expand more. Best of luck!
We're meant to be one
I know we are...
If I am the Sky
Then you are my star... ™
littlezeus92 wrote:so no one liked this? will if my true feelings dont work, i dont know what will
Awww... that's not it at all! We're not critiquing your feelings... only your ways of expressing them.
People are interested in themselves, largely. If you and I were talking face-to-face, I would let you talk about yourself, or I would talk about you because to you, you are your most interesting subject. That way, you would feel comfortable and I would be happy because I would be getting to know somebody else.
If you want to be romantic, you have to be talking about the other person in pretty language. Right now, you are talking about your perception of your lover. That's fine. But, to make it truly romantic, you have to take a step back and see how God would see her, if that makes any sense. And, because God is full of infinite love, then your lover would become the most beautiful person of all.
So step back and take a deep breath. Right now, you are concentrating on what she's done to you. Concentrate on who she is, and it will be much better.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.
"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach
This wasn't the greatest poem but it wasn't awful
All I'm asking is for you to make it romantic if you want it to be romantic and correct your punctuation before you post it.
-BroadwayGirl
