Should I stay or go?

PG-13 for Mature Thoughts

How do I end the pain?
How do I stop the shame?
Screwing myself time and again
Somehow, some way, it must end

A couple of pills, an easy way out
A cry of pain, a desperate shout
Putting the gun to my head
While I'm lying alone in my bed

Writing goodbye, my eyes go blurry
As I insist that they shouldn't worry
Do I really want to do this, is this how I go?
"Did you live a good life?" Can I reply "no"?

I can't give up yet, so much life to live
For my family and friends, my love to give
I can't end my life, not yet anyway
And so, I will try to live for one more day

Felt really depressed, and I wrote this. Please review!
Thanks!

You really felt like that?

I like this, nice flow. You've captivated the emotions and doubts well. I'm sorry that you feel depressed...sometimes writing is the best way to express those feelings and 'organize' that emotional turmoil that you go through in life, and it really does help. /end rant/

So, yes I do like this. I cannot find any obvious mistakes. I think the poem is the right length --not too long and preachy, not too short...I especially like the last stanza.

Well, overall good job!

A really good poem, and very genuine.
I can't think of anything particularly good or bad about this.
The lines and verses all worked together really well. The last line rounds the whole poem off nicely.
If anything I would say don't worry about rhyming. In a piece like this, making every line rhyme can sometimes restrict it.
Keep up the good work.
(An extra word. Keep writing. One of the main keys of being a writer is to live life, good and bad. That's where the inspiration comes from.)

The rhymes used here are the obvious ones you think of when trying to rhyme. There's nothing new there and as a result, it sticks out like a sore thumb, especially because writing to the rhyme messes up the rhythm (see lines seven and eight). See where writing without a rhyme takes you.

This began with the ideas of pain and shame, but what caused them? If the title of the poem deals with whether or not the subject wants to stay or not, the reader should be able to understand whether or not s/he is making a rash judgment. As such, part of the topic should be the subject's take on the pain/shame, not just a statement that they exist.

There aren't many layers, and the turnaround from suicidal to enjoying life seems too sudden and anticlimactic. I'd advise you to edit this down; look for what words you really need to advance the idea, and what words could go.

*sighs and takes out large EMO stamp*

Unfortunately, this is just one tiny piece in a large, bleeding, crying pile of similar crap. I say, toss it. If you really want to edit, follow Amelia's excellent advice. But really. This doesn't mean that the state of emotion you were in as you wrote this is any less genuine or meaningful, just that the way you expressed it was like death by cliche.

Better luck next time.
-Colleen

Poetry and lyrics about depression are everywhere these days. Seriously, there is so much of it around. So there isn't much point in writing those kind of poems unless you're going to do so in a more unique way.
The rhyme scheme was far too obvious for me. It doesn't feel like there is any emotional content to this poem.

Sorry.

Even if it could use some work, I think it's a good thing you wrote it. It helps sometimes to write, even if its just for yourself, no one has to read it.

oh no....emo. bear with me, im not a fan when it comes to emo writing, but there is some construstive critisism coming, along with ordinary critisism.

this is better off as an entry in your diary than a poetry piece.

theres no rhythem to speak of, except for simple rhyming.

i have to agree with Amelia and Cade, emo and anticlimatic, but if you are insistant on continueing this then work more of a story into it. such as the narrator's rationale and what caused all this, ect.

and change up the rhyme scheme to something more interesting, such as making a middle word rhyme w the end word, anything to make the flow work.

and i suggest giving this poem an IV drip of antidepressants, or at least anti-emos.

I didn't really think it was emo. And even if it wa,s I don't have a problem with emo poetry. It's what I tend to write, anyway.

I can't say I loved the poem for some reason. It ididn't seem to flow very well, but that might be because I've just been singing.

Anyway, good job.

Don't rhyme. You're dealing with too much substance to worry about making every single line rhyme, and it's killing your poem. So write what you're really thinking, and screw any attempt at rhyming.

Rhyming DOES NOT make instantaneous poetry.

thank you for all your suggestions, will consider. I have to reply to Amelia: it wasn't a turnaround from suicidal to happy, it was just a "I can't give up yet." Anywho, wasn't intending to make this into a story or anything, just something that I came up with. Thank you for comments, and halcyon was right, more a diary piece than anything else.
Thank you all!

Cade wrote:*sighs and takes out large EMO stamp*

Unfortunately, this is just one tiny piece in a large, bleeding, crying pile of similar crap. I say, toss it. If you really want to edit, follow Amelia's excellent advice. But really. This doesn't mean that the state of emotion you were in as you wrote this is any less genuine or meaningful, just that the way you expressed it was like death by cliche.

Better luck next time.
-Colleen

As they say on the internet, QUOTED FOR TRUTH.

this is a good poem, but it sounds a little emo-angsty for my taste. To make it a little better try re-phrasing some parts. Some parts we've all heard in one way or another. And I hope the things in your life start going better!!!

You felt this?
Hm.
The 'poor me' writing does your feelings no justice. Think about what you really feel. Do you feel alone? Do you feel misunderstood? Do you just want someone to hear you? Does it all seem pointless? Explain this to us. What do you want us to feel? What message are you trying to convey.

Along the lines of what Amelia said... there are different ways to rhyme. Parts of words [hart-impart] the whole word [lead- read] the last letter [simply-finally] or words that look the same, but sound different [heart-wort]

Think about what you want to say