And on that burning night

And on that burning night we stood,
While the sky blazed crimson above us,
And the grass was tipped in flame.

The world was on fire,
And so was I.
Dizzy from the heat of my passion,
I reached out with trembling fingers
While my emotions swelled like waves within me,
Crashing, rolling--

And I touched your brow
And felt the sweat and saw it shine,
Your eyes a violent sea,
As you realized
What I meant.

The clouds tinged with scarlet,
And the sun a fiery eye
Setting over the hill and turning it gold.
We're all so beautiful,
But not as beautiful
As you;

You, with lines of perfect musculature,
Etched beneath smooth skin
And a peerless gaze, penetrating mine...

I felt the brush of your hand against my fingers
And fell into the sky.

Vertigo, clouds of flame,
And still the touch of your hand
Against my fevered skin,
As I fell with an impact, like red glass shattering.

The withdrawal of your hand
Brought me back to reality,
But it didn't feel like reality anymore--
I was on fire.

One glance through wondering eyes--

Because even if you are drowning in joy,
You are still drowning.

-------------

Ok, I decided to try poetry again. But I didn't just write this randomly...I was inspired.
I hope it isn't as cliched as my last, erm, attempt...
Anyways, feel free to tear this to pieces. It's only a rough draft.

First off, this is what the poem would look like with more punctuation (punctuation people can help me out):

Ayra wrote:And on that burning night we stood,
While the sky blazed crimson above us,
And the grass was tipped in flame.

The world was on fire,
And so was I.
Dizzy from the heat of my passion,
I reached out with trembling fingers
While my emotions swelled like waves within me,
Crashing, rolling--

And I touched your brow
And felt the sweat and saw it shine,
Your eyes a violent sea,
As you realized
What I meant.

The clouds tinged with scarlet,
And the sun a fiery eye
Setting over the hill and turning it gold.
We're all so beautiful,
But not as beautiful
As you;

You, with lines of perfect musculature,
Etched beneath smooth skin
And a peerless gaze, penetrating mine...

I felt the brush of your hand against my fingers
And fell into the sky.

Vertigo, clouds of flame,
And still the touch of your hand
Against my fevered skin,
As I fell with an impact, like red glass shattering.

The withdrawal of your hand
Brought me back to reality,
But it didn't feel like reality anymore--
I was on fire.

One glance through wondering eyes--

Because even if you are drowning in joy,
You are still drowning.

I think that's it for punctuation. Now, for content.

I'm not digging the occasional stanzas starting with "And", because sometimes they fit, and sometimes they didn't. Most of the time, I felt they didn't, like right here:

...I reached out with trembling fingers
While my emotions swelled like waves within me,
Crashing, rolling--

And I touched your brow
And felt the sweat and saw it shine...

It felt like a very abrupt change of topic, and I was caught off-guard wondering how crashing and rolling emotions lead to touching a sweaty brow.

Vertigo, clouds of flame,
And still the touch of your hand
Against my fevered skin
As I fell with an impact, like red glass shattering

This section seemed awkward to me. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say with this. How does the touch of his hand compare to vertigo and clouds of flame? "Fell with an impact" is also strangely worded. I like "fell with a crash" better, because then that will lead nicely into the glass line.

About the glass line: I'd take that to it's own line, and probably change it to "Like shattering glass." I see what you're doing with the "red", but I don't really think that's needed here.

So, the stanza would now look like:

Vertigo, clouds of flame,
And still the touch of your hand
Against my fevered skin,
As I fell with a crash,
Like shattering glass

(still not sure about the wording in lines 1-3 in this stanza... maybe someone else will think of something better than I could).

That's about all I could see. I enjoyed it, otherwise.

Wow, thanks for the review!
I'll fix the punctuation and edit this a bit.

Hi again Ayra!
This is definitely one of your better pieces, I think -- you can definitely tell there's a lot of feeling involved, and I really love the image you present.

That said, I feel it drags on far longer than it should. The whole thing needs tightening up so that you don't (a) lose the power and thrust of the poem and (b) bore your reader. The link between passion and flame/burning is a very old one, and it's important to come at it fresh unless you want to sound cliched. I think this poem has the potential to use the cliche in an interesting way, but it needs to avoid being too long-winded or the connection begins to pall.

I would recommend cutting out the second and third stanzas altogether. I don't feel they add much, and they dip perilously close to cliche territory. The last four stanzas (counting the single line) need some work. The idea you're trying to express seems garbled. First you talk about reality, then fire, then - drowning? Try to fit these together more, not only in the verse but throughout the poem itself, because as it is the connection is pretty much lost on me XD

Overall an interesting poem. You're definitely improving

Keep writing!
Cheers,
~bubbles

Thanks!
I get your point on the garbled message and I'll work on that. Hopefully I'll get around to posting an edit...sometime. Lol.
Narf,
-Ayra

Okay.
Its nice but there is no rhyming in it and I think you should have a little bit. Don't you think?

Your eyes a violent sea,
As you realized
What I meant

Maybe you could say:
Your eyes a violent sea,
as they met mine
you realized
what I meant

Or something like that.

You, with lines of perfect musculature,
Etched beneath smooth skin
And a peerless gaze, penetrating mine...

Again your mentioning his eyes? Try to limit each body part description to one time. It sound better.

I felt the brush of your hand against my fingers
And fell into the sky.

Vertigo, clouds of flame,
And still the touch of your hand
Against my fevered skin,
As I fell with an impact, like red glass shattering.

The withdrawal of your hand
Brought me back to reality,
But it didn't feel like reality anymore--
I was on fire.

One glance through wondering eyes--

Because even if you are drowning in joy,
You are still drowning.

In these last paragraphs you mention his hands a little to many times.

I have put hands in bold to make it clearer for you.

I felt the brush of your hand against my fingers
And fell into the sky.

Vertigo, clouds of flame,
And still the touch of your hand
Against my fevered skin,
As I fell with an impact, like red glass shattering.

The withdrawal of your hand
Brought me back to reality,
But it didn't feel like reality anymore--
I was on fire.

One glance through wondering eyes--

Because even if you are drowning in joy,
You are still drowning.

Over all I didn't really like it. It sounded really odd and to colorful and lovey dovy...

-Cheers
Genevieve
xxx

Okay, er...thanks, I guess.
I didn't want to do a rhyming poem, and...oh well.

Not all of it has to rhyme just little bits.
If you want I don't have to review your work if it makes you so mad. I was just trying to help.

Hey, I'm not mad. I just didn't know what to say.

I liked it. There was real feeling in it, and your language was good.

Sorry, but I can't find any problems with it so this crit won't be very helpful. Just writing to say that it was great.

Thanks!

HELLO!!! omg Ayra i love this place it's me (not ganna say my name but hi)
it's so great omg i love it...even though i read it in class! lol
the only thing i dont understand is...actuly i understand ALL of it!

Thanks Meggets!

Well. I have read it over a few more times and I think its growing on me.
Nice work

Because even if you are drowning in joy,
You are still drowning.

This was the best part of the whole poem. If I was allowed, I would steal it and make my own poem with it, haha. Of course, I hate stealing, and love trying to be original...

I didn't like the poem because I felt it was too much for you and not enough for me, the reader. You did use very good imagery, but because I didn't care about the people in the poem, what was happening, all of that... I didn't care for the poem.

I really, really love the last stanza, though. I think you could do a lot with that.

Sorry I wasn't very helpful. If you have any comments or questions, feel free to PM me.