Hello Mr. Tiger

Before you think I'm a psycho halfway through reading this, it does have a moral at the end. And besides that, I wanted to scare somebody, myself included

[EDITED]
Well I figured out thru you guys that this poem could be broader (and better) if I cut off the last stanza. So I did. This poem could be more than just drugs, probably psychological illness in general.

-----
Said his admirer:
Hello Mr. Tiger, I heard a lot about you!
They say you shot to the moon
in a blink of an eye
and shot two Martians
caught in your drive-by
with some punks you met at a sea-
Sea of Tranquility or something-
don't mind me now, I'm always forgetting.
Anyways, 'bout those punks
you shot 'em down too?
I hope you did, I hate Moon-men
they're so pale like Dracula
I think they bite you-
they drink your blood.
Blood is good, Mr. Tiger.
Mr. Tiger?
Mr. Tiger?

Well anyway, there was one time
I was playing with my G.I. Joes-
my favorite was Snake,
but don't tell Turtle that-
Then my sister came in my room,
she was in her pretty white shirt,
asking where dad is.
"I dunno, I dunno," I said.
Then she started screaming
still asking where.
I dunno, I dunno.
I never did.
She was worse than my whiny teddy-
I stabbed his head off, see?-
she was foaming at her big mouth
and her eyes were burning
and she started growing horns
and her teeth started growing
and I started running,
running to the kitchen,
grabbing the knife.
Stab. Stabby stab stab.
She fell quiet,
and she fell to the floor
in her pretty red shirt.

Mr. Tiger, you're still not talking.
Are you listening, Mr. Tiger?
LISTEN. ITS ME. STOP IGNORING ME.
STOP IGNORING ME.
YOU PLAY THAT WAY, HUH MR. TIGER?
Stab. Stabby stab stab.
I've killed you twice now, Mr. Tiger.
I hope you're happy.
I'm not.
Stab. Stabby stab stab.
Now I got a red shirt too...

I'm not entirely sure what to say about this...
It's really good, and very effective. Yes, also scary.
I don't fully understand the last part in italics though, i'm not sure what links to what and why. Apart from that, this is very unique. Kudos.

Well uh...He was hallucinating. Like while high. Nothing really happened. I guess I'm too vague, and haven't the slightest clue on how to move on after the kid committed suicide. I guess a third-person narrator was just a cheap way out, and even that isn't effective.

You definitely gave the scary effect there hehe. You also made me laugh, a lot, and that is often quite hard to do. I got the impression the boy was either in an insane asylum, that he belonged there, or that he had a bit too much ibuprofen if you know what I mean

Good job on this piece

Nice work

I kinda get it but I think you should turn it into a song it would be good!

Keep going. Although I don't like drugs this was a good poem about it

<I make no sense
Genevieve
xxx

To be fair this isn't really an accurate representation of the effect of drugs on someone

However

It is an excellent example of how psychological illnesses such as schizophrenia and variations of cognitive distortion can really affect people

It would be an excellent idea to write another poem to really highlight the tragedy of this whole scenario.

ie: The sister could be looking after her 'ill' brother when he goes mental and kills her

Obviously you'd make it more poetic that the above sentence
You've written a poem to highlight just HOW twisted the scenario is
Now you can write one to highlight the tragedy

It'd be good, trust me

Heck I thought drugs were schizophrenic...Cause one time I saw an anti-meth commercial and this girl was delusional (and strangely, meth makes her obsessive-compulsive and makes her wanna clean everything...). But yeah, I guess he could just be insane w/o drugs.

This really gave me chills, haha.

I think the quality of your tone and poetry was at its peak in the opening stanza - as the poem went along, it began to feel more jagged and less polished. But perhaps this was intentional and even added to the piece as a whole, highlighting the protagonist's descent into an even deeper state of insanity or 'high'. I would take what ScarletMonkey said into account (schizophrenia for the win), but either way, I think you have the roots of something truly great here.

I'd go for the tragic rewrite, or even the tragic "Part II: Variation", now that you've written the twisted version. If nothing else, it would be an enlightening poetry exercise, yes? I'd most certainly come back to read it, if nothing else. ^_^

Also - and this is a random thought that just came to me on the reread - it might serve you well to insert some sort of rhyme into the last, italicized stanza. It might reinforce the ending, and the realization of what this boy's actually done: in other words, the ramblings of a delusional/high mind turned to poetry, along with all the horror and simplicity.

Great work, Rjjr.

What drug was he on? PCP? O.o

Prokaryote

I agree - this was quite a powerful poem, and well-executed. Part of me always rebels when I see "message" poetry, but I do think you've captured the whole tone quite well without being preachy at all. One thing I would like to see - could you perhaps move the explanatory note to the bottom of the post? I think readers should be given the chance to understand the poem on its own merits before you tell them what it's about, because it really does explain itself quite effectively.

Also, I'm not sure the whole "stabby stab stab" thing works for me. It seems a bit...I don't know. Unprofessional. I suppose it works, with the rhythm and the narrator, but you might want to play with it a bit and see if you can't substitute something else that is less jarring.

Other than that, an interesting piece.

Cheers,
~bubbles

WOW!!! This is an amazing piece....but you are not quite sure what the end means until you stay there thinking about it. I love pieces like this...WOW!!! You scared my sister when I read it out loud to her.

firearris