Because I am Your Rose

Every time you look at me
the temperature drops a thousand degrees.
Am I so bored I'm counting these?

Maybe you're too stiff and stern;
if you loosened up it wouldn't burn.
Maybe we've both got a lot to learn.

You ask why I spend all my time in town;
I simply respond by staring you down.
You can't trample me into the ground.

I'll let off all the fireworks I want;
I'm a teen, okay? Read the fine font:
I'm allowed to joke, rebel, and flaunt.

You only see my thorns and then
you prick them once, and once again.
You really need to practice Zen.

But you love me and I know
you care, although it doesn't show.
You're the garden where I grow
and someday you'll tell me so
just because I am your rose.

-----------------------------------------
Suggestions?

This was cool, it's a different idea to write about parents and I think it's a topic that you wrote about extremely well.

I'll let off all the fireworks I want;
I'm a teen, okay? Read the fine font:
I'm aloud to joke, rebel, and flaunt.

That part made me laugh because it has 'attitude' you'd expect from a teenager, it's great!


I didn't find much wrong with this it's a fun poem that made me smile a LOT

ScarletMonkey

I loved it!

Quote
I'll let off all the fireworks I want;
I'm a teen, okay? Read the fine font:
I'm aloud to joke, rebel, and flaunt.

I love this part it is so true!
Nice work!

-Keep Writin'
Genevieve
xxx

I like the idea here, and your tone is perfect, but I think it needs a little tweaking. The first two lines were great, but I think the rhyme of the third is a little forced. The "these" didn't sound quiet right to me.
The next stanza was really great on either side of the middle line. (Note, 'to' was a typos, should have been 'too') but again, I felt 'burn' was forced. What wouldn't burn? Maybe try a line with 'yearn'; or 'turn' or 'return' at the end. Think it would sound more natural.
The tone in the next stanza was great. Usually I'd point out the half rhyme of "down" and "ground"which breaks away from your full rhymes, but I think this sort of mirrored your rebellion here, which was good.
The next stanza was brilliant, really firey, though "aloud" should be "allowed."
I loved the next stanza too.
Your conclusion is good, but I felt a little let down by "just because I am your rose." Though this could be as much to do with my own resistance to sentimentality than anything else...
Overall, I really enjoyed this. It still needs a little polish, but it's very good, and well done on the rhyming scheme, that can't have been easy to do while maintaining your narrative.

Jasmine Hart covered it pretty well, but I'll add my own two cents anyways.

Your tone is perfect, and you've got the rhythm down. Unfortunately what stops this from being an excellent (if slightly frivolous) poem is the fact that a lot of your rhymes are forced. I wont go through and list them, because as I said JH has pretty much covered that. But I will suggest you go back through and take a good hard look at some of those lines that don't really fit in the context of the poem and rearrange them so that the rhyme makes sense.

One small nit-pick: in the first line of the second stanza, "to" should be "too".

I also felt the ending was a little bit of a let-down, but it was sweet, and it followed on well. I liked the fact that your approach to the dreaded "parent" topic was so fresh and interesting! Kudos on a nice piece

Cheers,
~bubbles

Great! The only thing I noticed was the 'to' and it's supposed to be 'too'. Other than that, this was great. I could totally see your point and everything, and *surprisingly* I couldn't find anything wrong with it. Erg! You never write anything bad!

*goes off to find something that he can critique of Fangala's*

BBB

Aww... that was really sweet. For some reason I never see poems about parents, and you pulled it off really nicely.

you prick them once and once again.

you prick them once, and one again.

I think that makes it flow better.

That was a nice poem.

Thanks, choco. I always thought that line was a little weird.

And BBB, you never write anything bad! I love all your writing; you're incredible.

Hehe, cute av! (sorry I love kittens!)

So anyways...

I just saw a few little errors to should be 'too' aloud should be 'allowed', though I'm pretty sure these have been mentioned.

I really like the theme of the poem and the way you pulled it off was genius, nice work! Tone of course, is great. I can actually see the snotty rebellious teen reading this.

I feel that the first three stanzas would be better off without the last line. I don't know...the rhyming scheme seemed forced and the third line keeps getting worse and worse. Though you pulled it off here:

I'll let off all the fireworks I want;
I'm a teen, okay? Read the fine font:
I'm aloud to joke, rebel, and flaunt.

The 'once' and 'once' again thing in the next stanza throws me off. Perhaps it is just me...but it doesn't sound right. Maybe...

You prick them time and time again.

That makes more sense and sounds better to me.

Hm, I guess I'm one of the few who actually /liked/ the ending xD The 'I'm your rose' line was brilliant, it goes back to the thorn metaphor and kind of emphasizes the idea of 'youth' and 'teens' so yeah, I liked it. Nice job

I think that everyone else already talked about what I could find, so I'll just throw my two cents in...

GOOD JOB!

This si pretty good! It just needs a little revision here and there, but other than that, this was really good! Keep it up!

Ok, good effort. I love odd rhyme schemes. There were a few problems with this, however; the most prominent was that in many places you sacrificed meaning for a rhyme that was forced anyway.

Every time you look at me
the temperature drops a thousand degrees.
Am I so bored I'm counting these? (What?)

Maybe you're too stiff and stern;
if you loosened up it wouldn't burn.(I thought the temperature dropped a thousand degrees)
Maybe we've both got a lot to learn.

You ask why I spend all my time in town;
I simply respond by staring you down.(Perhaps "I don't respond, just stare you down")
You can't trample me into the ground.(Not technically a rhyme, but it doesn't really matter)

I'll let off all the fireworks I want;
I'm a teen, okay? Read the fine font:
I'm allowed to joke, rebel, and flaunt. (This entire stanza was forced and unnecessary, as other people have said. Get rid of it. )

You only see my thorns and then
you prick them once, and once again.(You get pricked BY thorns)
You really need to practice Zen. (forced rhyme)

But you love me and I know
you care, although it doesn't show.
You're the garden where I grow
and someday you'll tell me so
just because I am your rose.
(This might be something that you know
already, but I'll not forgo
The opportunity to show
you that "rose" doesn't rhyme here.)

My advice is to stick to one metaphor throughout the entire piece. You do the rose thing at the end, so change the beginning so that your poetry has continuity. I would also suggest getting rid of the lines I marked. Two lines in each stanza work and the other one is superfluous.