My Untitled Piece of Work #1

I shall be interested to see on what criteria people are judged worthy of living.

Thanks P. I shall be modifying this (yet again) shortly. Lol. Thanks for the encouragement (?) Lancrist.

MONKI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is better, but there are still a few things
**
She sat upon a mighty, noble steed. She looked as though she hadn't slept for years. Her name was Katia Gabriella Lineberger. Katia was the queen of Penbroke. She had long, auburn colored hair and deep, chocolate-brown eyes. She wore a beautiful, flowing gown and upon her head was the most graceful crown.

Again, her description is irrelevant to your story. All we need to know at the moment is her first name. You can reveal her full name later

She halted upon entering the town and waited for her guards to gallop ahead. As each masculine guard and his steed trotted ahead, Katia simply cocked her head from side to side, arms crossed, clutching her clothing nervously.

We need more thought bubbles here!!! What kind of ruler is she?

She starts, "Dearest people of Penbroke, I am truly honored to be here with you on this beautiful evening, but tis not for a good reason, I assure you. The reason being this: There will be an evaluation this afternoon." Her voice sounded very smooth.

Remember, she is a Queen addressing her subjects. Giver her a bit of dignity here.

Everyone waited for the Queen to explain this. After a long moment of silence, she spoke.

"You will simply be evaluated on your ability to handle your life. A counselor shall be observing each person in every family, one counselor per family. Depending on your counselor's decision, if he or she believes that you can handle your every day life, good for you. You shall continue to live here, in Penbroke. If the counselor decides otherwise... You shall be shipped off to the nice little town of Gofger, where you shall spend the rest of your days, provided with nice and determined people interested in helping you with your everyday life. Any questions?"

Here, we know what's going on, but it's not fully explained. We need to know why these people are being sent away

At last, a voice was heard from the middle of the crowd. "Yes, I have a question. Who the hell came up with this brilliant idea?" A sarcastic woman questioned.

"Yeah!" Voices from the crowd raged. "Tell us so we can have a little chat with the chap."

Would the Queen really let her subjects speak this way to her? ESPECIALLY when she did everything in her power to help them?

"People, I understand that this is unfair to the umpteenth degree, but just understand that this was in no way, shape, or form my doing," The Queen reasoned.

NO.
Putting the blame on someone else is a BAD idea, ESPECIALLY since she is the Queen. This will cause the people not to trust her. I mean, look at the politicians in our country; do we really appreciate it when they try to pass the blame?

"Again, this was yet another bright idea thought up by none other than a member of the conclave. I tried to fight it folks, I really did, but I was repudiated."

She still has a say in the conclave. There are other members of a conclave too. Why would they agree to do this?

They demanded to know the name of the conclave member who had come up with the idea.

The Queen answered, "I will not give anyone his name for fear that he will be incriminated by the likes of all of you."

WHOA!!!!!!!
What happened to the nice Queen? Here she is being really mean to her subjects. It's getting a bit confusing...

Overall, I think it was better, but there are still some bumps in the road

I suggest you start with the council at the conclave, the fight she put up, etc. because we really have nothing to go on here. We need more characterization, some internal conflict/dialogue. What does SHE think of this? Please, add some thought bubbles.

I suggest you look at the monarchs throughout history? What did they do and say? Why did they say it? Why were they elected? Usually, the very VERY first monarchs accomplished some great thing i.e. unified the people, were great in battle, gave people freedom, etc.
Look at our own politicians. They have to say things that are 'politically correct' so they don't offend people.
I STRONGLY suggest you look at Elizabeth I. Since we know so much about her, and all the things she accomplished, she would be a good model.
Keep writing Monki :D:D:D:D You have great potential.

Uh, the arguing people were suposed to be the angel/devil thing. (I don't know why those popped up)
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Good suggestions. In fact, I was thinking of starting sort of over and making the beginning where she is fighting and arguing her point with the conclave, but the reason she is arguing won't be about the people being able to stay. I think there should be a more realistic problem. Realism=Good, right?

Realism is more effective when you want to relate to the reader.
If your story has a sufficient theme or moral to it, then yes, it should connect to the audience.
But if you're writing just for the sake of telling a story, then realism isn't really necessary.

Hey, thanks again P.! Monki has lots of <3 for you! I've been telling everyone this : I'm really sorry that I haven't gotten to critiquing any of your works yet. But I've just been really busy with *cough, cough* being sick, school, writing, etc.. I promise that if I don't get to it sometime this week that I will get to it this weekend.

P. > Thanks for the tip. *Writes down on notepad full of tips given by peeps of YWS (really, I did write it down-just 'cause it sounds cool and professional)* Anywho...

Hehe ^^ Aw, P has lots of for Monki too<3
I don't need a critique lol, if you want to read my work you can I'm not asking for anything, I just really like your work xD

P. > Yay! Monki gets back! (P.S. You can't truthfully tell me that you like my work. It sucks right now. I think it's just because I am just beginning my 'writing career' if you will. I think with practice that maybe I can earn a few fans here and there. I bet you have like 10,000,000,000,000! You can add me to that list, too! Because I know that I'll love any of your works. You give such good writing tips that I know your work has to be good!)

Luffles,
~The One, The Only-THE MONKI!

Haha! No way, you flatter me lol.
I just have a larger than normal vocabulary... And am a grammar freak. Which fails hardcore, haha. ^^;
Seriously though, I loooove your work ^^ You have a talent, don't be afraid to use it as your weapon; the pen is mightier than the sword, no?

Ha ha! No, seriously though. Pursue your dream. I think you're meant to use the pen as your weapon-definitely not a sword though, because I don't think you+a sword would be a very good sight. Lol. And yes, I agree. The pen is definitely mightier than the sword. -sighs- So, I'm bored. How 'bout you? I don't think we've clarified this, so where do you live? I live in Florida (USA, if you didn't know).

Indeed ^^ I'm not terribly coordinated, and would probably cause many catastrophes if I ever got hold of a sword. Pen it is then, lol.

*Is bored too*
I live in Alberta, (Canada) If you didnt know either

Cool! Canada! *ish uncoordinated too* Well, I must go. (Grrr... bed time for me. I'm really tired! I would stay up later and drink coffee, but I need sleep to write betterer. *pokes the word 'betterer'* That was meant to be better! Sorry. SEE!) Anyways, night and talk to you tomorrow!

Love,
~Monki