My Untitled Piece of Work #1

She sat upon a mighty, noble steed. She looked as though she hadn't slept for years. Her name was Katia Gabriella Lineberger. Katia was the queen of Penbroke. She had long, auburn colored hair and deep, chocolate-brown eyes. She wore a beautiful, flowing gown and upon her head was the most graceful crown.

She halted upon entering the town and waited for her guards to gallop ahead. As each masculine guard and his steed trotted ahead, Katia simply cocked her head from side to side, arms crossed, clutching her clothing nervously.

She starts, "Dearest people of Penbroke, I am truly honored to be here with you on this beautiful evening, but tis not for a good reason, I assure you. The reason being this : There will be an evaluation this afternoon." Her voice sounded very smooth.

Everyone waited for the Queen to explain this. After a long moment of silence, she spoke.

"You will simply be evaluated on your ability to handle your life. A counselor shall be observing each person in every family, one counselor per family. Depending on your counselor's decision, if he or she believes that you can handle your every day life, good for you. You shall continue to live here, in Penbroke. If the counselor decides otherwise... You shall be shipped off to the nice little town of Gofger, where you shall spend the rest of your days, provided with nice and determined people interested in helping you with your everyday life. Any questions?"

No one spoke. But all stared in disbelief at the Queen, as though she had just told them that she was going to shoot them all one by one.

At last, a voice was heard from the middle of the crowd. "Yes, I have a question. Who the hell came up with this brilliant idea?" A sarcastic woman questioned.

"Yeah!" Voices from the crowd raged. "Tell us so we can have a little chat with the chap."

"People, I understand that this is unfair to the umpteenth degree, but just understand that this was in no way, shape, or form my doing," The Queen reasoned.

"Then who was it?" They argued.

"Again, this was yet another bright idea thought up by none other than a member of the conclave. I tried to fight it folks, I really did, but I was repudiated."

They demanded to know the name of the conclave member who had come up with the idea.

The Queen answered, "I will not give anyone his name for fear that he will be incriminated by the likes of all of you."


~~~


Okee dokee. As you can see (those of you who previously read this), I changed this quite a bit. Now read it and tell me what you think!

We have no details here. Where are these people? Is the sky lavender? Is the horse spotted? (These are just examples )


She sat upon a mighty, noble steed. She looked as though she hadn't slept for years. Her name was Katia Lineberger.

Listen to this when you read this. They don't flow together at all. Figure out what you want to say.

She had long, strawberry-blonde hair and deep, chocolate brown eyes. She wore a beautiful, flowing gown and upon her head was a glowing, graceful crown. Katia seemed tense; She was very, very tense.

We don't need this description all at once. Break it up. Have someone comment on her dark eyes, or don't mention it at this time, unless it's relevant to your story

Dearest people of Penbroke, I am truly honored to be here with you on this beautiful evening, but it's not for a good reason, I assure you. The reason being this : 'There will be an evaluation this afternoon.'" Her voice sounded smooth, and not the least bit raspy. It was as smooth as silk-sounding.

You just jumped into this. We have no thoughts or dialogue from your character. This makes her seem very dramatic, and immature for her role.

"Queen Katia, please do not tell us that we will be evaluated on how well we care for our children! I cannot let them take my children! They are all I have that is worth anything at all." A woman yelled from the back of the crowd. "No, no, no!" The Queen shouts back gently. "It has not a thing to do with the children. It is... er, something else." She lowers her voice. "Well, get on with it then!" Yells a grumpy old man in the middle of the crowd

How is this relevant? Cut to the chase

Overally, you need to draw out your story. Give us some suspense, a thrill of the chase. So far, we no nothing about Katia, exept her hair and eyes are a certain color, an that she is tense and weary. Details!!! Personalize this for us. Make her real to us. Tell us why she is so weary and tense and about this "evaluation."
More importantly...
Keep writing :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
You have a good start

You repeat things to much...

There are a few things you need to clear up.
Other than that good work!

Thank you so much SeraphTree. And thank you too Gwenivire. And thanks for not being harsh with me. This is my first time ever posting my work online. I just have a fear that my work will be stolen (no matter how bad it is-lol) and I'll have no proof that it's mine.

Well, if someone steals your work, it will be obvious. And since it will be obvious, people won't read their work, or they'll say "uh, this is too much like Monki's story. Even though you really like it..." and to that extent. And further along, if someone trys to steal you ideas... well, you can point out your posts here on YWS, and what would they have? Probably nothing. So, don't worry about that too much :D:D:D

Thanks! Lol. You make me very comfortable here. Anyway, I invited my ex-boyfriend (we're still good friends) to join this site. That's alright to do, right?

Yeah, you can invite him. :D:D:D:D I don't see why there would be a problem. :D:D:D:D

Alright. Thanks. So.... any works that you need editing/constructive criticisms?

YES!!!!!!!!!!
PLEASE read Songwood Part II. *not saying that the crits I received are bad*
More is better!!!! Also Jerrsea'ya in Action Fic. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D *bows, adores Monki* You know, I have a character named Monky....

Cool! There's a character that (almost) has the same name as me! Sweet! Lol. I am so lovable (and blushable)! -blushes- Anyways, I'll work on editing/critiquing as many of your excerpts as possible tonight. So... friend right?

I don't know how to invite though. I think you go to the profile or something
Anyway, YES I will be your friend!! :D:D:D:D:D

Cool!

Hiiii Firstly let me say, I love this piece, so far.
Had to leave me hangin'.


I only have really, two issues, which pretty much seraph summed up, but I'll reiterate.

1.

As each buff guard and his horse galloped ahead, Katia grew wearier and wearier.
"Dearest people of Penbroke, I am truly honored to be here with you on this beautiful evening, but it's not for a good reason, I assure you. The reason being this : 'There will be an evaluation this afternoon.'"

I thought she was speaking to herself, as to plot out in her head what she would say. You don't really give any detail into where she is at the time she says that, asides from the bit where she's entering the town.

2.

She had long, strawberry-blonde hair and deep, chocolate brown eyes. She wore a beautiful, flowing gown and upon her head was a glowing, graceful crown. Katia seemed tense; She was very, very tense.

Too much description all in one sha-bang. You're hit with a huge non-subtle description of her which makes me sad, because I imagine Katia to be a bit mysterious. Again, you get into her description and then you hit us with the fact that she's tense. You could probably integrate that with the description of how she holds her head, how her dark brown eyes move around the scenery. Kill two birds with one literary stone, hehe.

Other than that. I love it. I have no issues with the suspense, I think there's quite enough. But I do want to read more ^^

Much love,
P.

Wow! Thanks Porcelain! I don't think anyone's ever said that they 'love' my work before! I guess that's because I've just began becoming serious about writing... Okay, I'll edit that and modify it here so you can tell me what you think about the changes and you can read some more of it.

Monki ^^
So glad to see you added more!!

She sat upon a mighty, noble steed. She looked as though she hadn't slept for years. Her name was Katia Gabriella Lineberger. Katia was the queen of Penbroke. She had long, auburn colored hair and deep, chocolate-brown eyes. She wore a beautiful, flowing gown and upon her head was the most graceful crown.

This paragraph kills it T_T
Too many "She" started sentences, which makes it sound repetitive, I think I liked the other opener better. It should seduce the reader into reading more, not repulse them cos it sounds cheap.

She halted upon entering the town and waited for her guards to gallop ahead. As each masculine guard and his steed trotted ahead, Katia simply cocked her head from side to side, arms crossed, clutching her clothing nervously.

!!! I love this paragraph. It flows great, and creates just enough suspense to make me want to read more. *cough cough*

She starts, "Dearest people of Penbroke...

SO much better. Clear reference to her speaking this time

Other than that I really have no beefs lol. Love the word "repudiated" though ^^ big vocabularies ftw

Much <3.
P.