sometimes

Sometimes


sometimes I sit or stand still
and I think of a different
place, a different time.
I can see a place where
I will be free to spread my
silken wings and fly.
sometimes I imagine a
magical place where
mystical creatures are and I wish
I were there.
Sometimes I sit or stand still
and think…..
sometimes…..

Firstly, this would look way better if you used proper punctuation.

Secondly, the imagery was pleasing.

Thirdly, unfortunately, this was cliched. There are countless poems on this subject.

But anyways, I feel very brain-dead right now...*falls asleep*
*awakes drowsily*
Yeah...
Keep writing, *snores*
*is tired*
A-*yawns*Ayra...*falls asleep completely*

No offense or anything, but this didn't really fly for me.

What is its purpose? What are you trying to say? What insight or novel perspective are you conveying to the world at large?

So far as I can see, the answers to all of the above are: none and nothing.

This is fine if you're writing it to please yourself. I will confess, I have several poems which are quite similar tucked away on my harddrive. The problem is, there is nothing here for the reader. There isn't even a particular topic, except for what you "sometimes" imagine. Why is that of interest to me?

What I'm trying to say is, as a piece of poetry, there's no meat to it. You've jumbled together a load of ideas whose connection to one another is based on the implausible premise of "sometimes". There is no context given, and no idea is dwelt on for more than a single stanza. What is one supposed to make of it? All we get out of it is a few disconnected ideas about what you think of in your spare time.

In short, this is not really a poem worth sharing. It is a collection of daydreams and wishes written into a rather uninspiring and repetitive verse form.

My advice: start over. Pick one idea and develop it into something meaningful. For instance, you could take the verse about looking into the future and develop into something like Sylvia Plath's "Mirror", only in reverse. Or you could take the stanza about "the magical place/where the fairies are" and describe it in more detail. You're trying to do too much at once, and as a result you're skimming superficially over a number of interesting ideas. Why not linger? I bet the poem would improve a great deal if you do.

Regards,
~bubbles

I would cahnge a few things here:

sometimes I sit or stand still
[s]and I think of a different
place a different time[/s]
and I thinkof
a different place
a different time

sometimes I see a place [s]where
I can be free to spread my
silken wings and fly [/s]
where I can be free
to spread my
silken wings and fly

sometimes I wonder
do these things I see [s]really
exist? [/s]
really exist?

Sometimes I see, very rarely,
my future surrounded[s] by
a loving husband and kids [/s]
by a loving husband and kids

sometimes I imagine a
magical place where the
fairies are [s]and I wish
I were there. [/s]
I wish I were there

Sometimes I sit or stand still
and think...

sometimes...

That's just about it! I love it anyway! It's very cool.