Sweet Sixteen No More

A tale as old as time, I am sure,
But my bewilderment is brand new.

Defensiveness fails
And my careful boundaries are breached with ease.
All it takes:
A smile meant for me alone
A passing comment about my pretty eyes
A hand to brush my own.

I have carefully programmed myself
To turn off emotion when the flames rise too high
To scoff at uncontrollable passion
To shake my head at young love.
But disregard the innate intelligence, the exclusive education
And I am an idiot.

You didn’t have to climb the walls
Didn’t need to break through the barricade
Had no reason to slay the dragon,
Because I threw you a welcoming party
And handed you the key to my heart with a sickeningly happy smile.

I suppose someday I’ll learn,
But I understand a few things already:
Santa Claus isn’t real
Reindeer don’t fly
And I can wish for somewhere over the rainbow with all my heart
But truth is subjective and the reality is harsh:
I’m sweet sixteen no more.

Mhmmmm....

This is a confusing, cliched simmer of sayings and comparisons and anecdotes in a poem that do not make sense at all. I don't think this poem's got it.

Here are some lines, words, and transitions that I feel are completely unnecessary, cliche, or inapporpriate for one reason or another:

A tale as old as time, I am sure,
But my bewilderment is brand new.
{The first two lines do not flow together well. I think maybe you tried it to be like that, but it really doesn't work out. It's puzzling and doesn't build anything.}

"carefully programmed myself"
programmed isn't a good word here.

"Had no reason to slay the dragon"
This metaphore really doesn't enter into the mood of the poem.

"Because I threw you a welcoming party "
Does this have any hidden meaning or is it just...well, literal?

'Santa Claus isn’t real
Reindeer don’t fly "
Not only this doesn't fit the modd, but it's also cliche.

The main problem is its structure. I could move any word and put it anywhere and it will still be readable. You mix up different ideas and versions with messy metaphores and similies, while trying to convey your feelings explicitly--doesn't work.

You are a REALLY good poet, but this wasn't your stuff. Either dump it or change it.

Sorry for the harshness!
PM me if you have any questions!

It's kind of a discontinued grocery list sort of poem, except instead of potatoes and marshmallows, you're ordering angst.

Snoink wrote:It's kind of a discontinued grocery list sort of poem, except instead of potatoes and marshmallows, you're ordering angst.

I don't know if I could possibly say it better than Snoink right there.

The premise of "growing up" is old, and I don't think you've showed it in a new light. It follows the old pattern: girl falls in love, girl gets heart broken, girl reflects on the whole thing with a bitter outlook on life.

The first thing to do is to toss out all the cliches; breaking through a barrier, "a smile meant for me alone," key to one's heart, Santa Claus not being real and the disappointment that follows such a discovery. We've heard it all before.

And what can you say that's new about growing up? You might discuss more of the speaker's personal feelings toward the guy who broke her heart. Maybe he was too mature, and this scared her. Maybe romance wasn't what she expected it to be, like Santa Claus. What season is this set in? Is there an outside event that triggers the whole thing? What do the people look like? Really explore this one.

-Colleen